Our Journey...

Three Embryos Should Never Be Implanted in IVF

2012-01-13T10:37:00.000-06:00

Three Embryos Are Too Many for IVF: Study

WEDNESDAY, Jan. 11 (HealthDay News) -- The ideal number of embryos to implant during in-vitro fertilization (IVF) therapy can be one or two, but should never be more than three, according to a new study that examined this controversial issue.
British researchers analyzed data from about 124,000 IVF cycles that resulted in 33,500 live births. The live birth rate was higher among women of all ages who had two embryos implanted than among those who received one embryo.
But among women younger than 40, transferring three embryos was associated with a lower birth rate than transferring two embryos. The success rate for women older than 40 who received three embryos was the same as for those who received two embryos.
Compared with transferring one embryo, transferring two or three embryos was associated with a higher risk of all adverse perinatal outcomes. The risk for severe preterm birth was particularly high among women who received three embryos, according to the study.
Overall, the live birth rate was lower in older women than in younger women, no matter how many embryos were transferred.
The study appeared online Jan. 11 in The Lancet.
"In older and younger women, the transfer of two embryos was associated with greatest live birth rates...," Debbie Lawlor, of the University of Bristol, and colleagues said in a journal news release. "A clear implication of our study is that transfer of three embryos should no longer be supported in women of any age."
"In both age groups, transfer of three embryos did not increase the livebirth rate over that seen after transfer of two embryos, but was associated with an increased risk of adverse perinatal outcomes."
In younger woman with only two or a small number of embryos successfully fertilized, transferring two embryos, rather than just one, as is legislated in some countries currently, may be justified, the researchers noted.
"In view of these findings and previous findings, we conclude that no more than two embryos should be transferred into women of any age, but greater freedom should be given to clinicians and patients to decide whether to transfer one or two embryos, according to prognostic indicators, such as maternal age," they added.
Couples need to be aware that delaying childbirth may make it difficult for women to conceive and harder for in-vitro fertilization to be successful, the researchers added. For doctors seeing a new couple struggling with infertility, starting IVF quickly is key when the woman is in her late 30s compared to her late 20s, the researchers suggested.

I thought this article was very interesting. For our three transfers we did 1 embryo the first time, 3 the second time & 2 the third time...which resulted in the birth of our wonderful baby girl!!! I am curious what my doctors views on this will be?

On the Night You Were Born

2011-11-17T07:51:00.000-06:00

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

The sound of your name is a magical one.

Let's say it out loud before we go on.

It sailed through the farmland

high on the breeze...

Over the ocean...

And through the trees...

Until everyone heard it

and everyone knew

of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

such a nose,

such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

In fact, I think I'll count to three

so you can wiggle your toes for me.

When the polar bears heard,

they danced until dawn.

From faraway places,

the geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until

morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely...it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever known a you, my friend,

and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous

night you were born.

Nancy Tillman

She's One!!!

2011-10-27T07:58:00.001-05:00

We made it…the first year is over! Wow it flew by so fast! It was just twelve months ago when I met Maielle James, we were strangers and now we are inseparable! In the past year we have had many laughs, some tears, many lost hours of sleep and tons of sweet, sweet kisses and cuddle times (some at 3 am)! Our life without Maielle seems like a distant memory and yet it was only twelve months ago! A smile comes over me when I think of all the things we have gone through in the past year and I am also sad to think her first year is already over! I can’t wait to see what is to come!

Her birthday had an owl theme and I think everything turned out really cute! My sister and I made her birthday cakes and they were precious!

The Invitation

Owl Cupcakes

Smash Cake for Maielle

The second Owl Cake for everyone else to eat

The Birthday Girl...outfit made by my mom!

Her head piece inspired the entire outfit

She was hesitant at first with the cake but as soon as she tasted the icing she dove right in!

Maielle had a great party and I enjoyed watching her enjoy her party! She was a perfect little birthday girl!

Olives on the plane!

2011-10-14T14:52:00.000-05:00

Our trip to Utah went great! I could not have asked for a better trip! Except for Maielle waking up with a fever of 101 the day of the wedding!

I bought a bag for Maielle's car seat and for her stroller and gate checked both of them. They did not get messed up and I had no problems gate checking them. The trip over there I was so worried about how Maielle would do on the plane. She did great! We had two flights going to Utah and two flights coming home! The first flight was only 20 minutes, but I would say this was worse than the 3 hour flight. We were on a very small plane that was hot! The second flight Maielle slept for half of the flight and then she played for the rest of the flight! She was excellent! Everyone commented on how well she traveled! I am blessed with a good little traveler! The wedding was beautiful! Maielle was great even though I could tell she did not feel well. We were not able to really sight see much. On Friday we drove into the mountains to go to the Rehearsal dinner. It was a pretty drive, but I did not feel well that night so I was not able to enjoy it that much. Even though Maielle & I were sick, overall it was a good, SHORT trip!

We had an experience on the way home that we will never forget! My mom changed Maielle diaper in the car right before heading to the airport and I remembered saying that it looked a little loose but we left it because we were in a hurry! We got to the airport, checked in and were sent to the front of the security line because we were late and had a baby with us! So we got on the plane…Maielle fell asleep…we ordered an appetizer to eat (olives, hummus, crackers, and almonds)…Maielle woke up and went to sit on my moms lap. While sitting on my moms lap, I saw the poop face! I just thought that this is going to be an experience changing a diaper in the airplane restroom. We continued eating and my mom felt something drop in her lap….sooooo she reached down to get what she thought was an olive. She picked the “olive” up and handed it to me…I looked down and saw that she was trying to hand me a piece of poop! I was laughing so hard, tears were going down my face! I took the “olive”, grabbed extra clothes for Maielle and rushed to the bathroom with her. My mom’s shirt & Maielle were covered in poop. Luckily my mom had a jacket so she just took her shirt off and zipped her jacket up. It was an experience trying to change Maielle’s clothes & diaper in the airplane restroom. Needless to say…we did not finish the rest of our appetizer!

Seasons

2011-09-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

We all go through different seasons of life. Right now I feel I am in a transition season. I am trying to figure out how to be the super wife & super mom all at the same time. Throw working full time in the mix and there is no time to breath sometimes...let alone have a regular quiet time! So, yes I am trying to do it all...cloth diaper, make my own baby food, teach Maielle the skills she needs to learn, keep the new house clean, cook dinner most nights, make sure Maielle gets to spend time with family, give my husband the time I should & want....the list could keep on going! So as you see there is no time to just sit on the sofa and relax! How do I do it all? I feel I am running around like a crazy person from 7am to 11 pm! I need to make time for myself...I need to get back to having a regular quiet time! I feel drained and want to feel revived!

On another subject Maielle and I will be taking a trip next weekend without Marcus. Marcus has to stay behind and work (honestly he hates to fly so he will think of any reason to get out of flying if he can). I will be flying for the first time with Maielle. I would be lying if I said that I am not nervous about this trip! What if she hates flying? What if my stroller gets messed up while checking it at the gate? Those of you that have flown with a baby...did you bring your car seat and stroller combo? I ordered a bag to put both the car seat & stroller in when I gate check them. I am going to try to BF Maielle during take off and while landing or at least have her paci in her mouth. We will be taking 4 flights total! I will take any suggestions of things I need to make sure I bring or things I need to remember to pack!!! Please help!

Infertile?

2011-08-29T14:59:00.002-05:00

Maielle is here for me to hold in my arms!

Yes my miracle is here. I can touch her, cuddle her, and feel her sweet breath on my cheek. In some ways the nightmare of infertility is over. I woke up and all that was, was just a bad dream. And a lot of others view it that way. Granted I am no longer part of the struggle. But, I WILL go through that struggle again. There are future baby plans.

Have I left infertility behind, though, since I have my miracle little girl?

Will I always be known as infertile, will this always be apart of me?

Yes, I am and will be forever changed. At the same time, however, the friends that left me in the dust while infertile now welcome me into their circle of parenthood advice. I now have my golden ticket into their club.

So have I left infertility behind? Yes and no.

So yes, I have left infertility behind…I can look at my little miracle every day in amazement, I am on the other side of the dream, enjoying every second.

But no, I am still there…when my doctor asks what form of birth control we are using…I just laugh and say none! We had to have many surgeries, many procedures, IVF and it wasn't until our third attempt that we got pregnant.

It’s the experience that has changed us. It is our experience that remains with us. And I know that I am different, set apart for having a success story, I also know that I will never be the same!

I’m not sure if it’s me who can’t leave infertility behind, or infertility that cannot leave me? Infertility will forever be intertwined with this family of ours.

It keeps me grateful.
It keeps me trusting.
It keeps me praising.
It keeps me…me!

NINE, 2700sqft, Guilty!

2011-08-02T14:40:00.000-05:00

We now have a NINE month little girl! She started officially crawling right before nine months. I say she officially started then because a month before she was getting around just not on her hands and knees and moving forward. I have started planning her first birthday and I am very excited to have it in our new house! Maielle has still not been sleeping at night and she seemed to be getting worse. She would wake up and stay awake for 2 hours with us trying everything to get her back to sleep. So last night we decided to let her cry it out! I felt horrible listening to her scream and wanted to run in there and scoop her up and cuddle with her, but I was going to stick it out and see if this would work. She screamed for exactly 30 minutes and then just all of a sudden there was silence! Is she ok? Did she fall asleep? Marcus seemed to be even more worried than I was, so he snuck in there to check on her and she was passed out asleep!!! AND SHE SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG!!!! So maybe there is something to the Cry It Out Method?!?!??! She also was still her sweet little self this morning when I went in there and she was not mad at me for abandoning her!

We have a contract on a house and hope to close this month! Our house still hasn't sold so if you know anyone please send them our way! We hope to not have to carry two house notes for too long! I am very excited to move into our new house. It is 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths and is 2,700 square feet...so we are moving to a house that is more than twice the size of the house we are currently in! That also means we need more furniture. Marcus & I have had fun so far shopping for new stuff!!!

The guy that robbed me while at work...plead GUILY yesterday! So that meant no testifying and no trial! The sentencing will be in September, so that is when we will find out how long he will go to jail for!

We just got back from a vacation with Marcus' family in Canyon Lake and it was a very relaxing vacation. It was hard to come back to work after being off for a whole week. We were worried how Maielle would do in the car for 5 hours but she did great! She slept alot!!! And only got fussy once and it was because she was hungry. I fed her and she fell back asleep! So more trips please, because we have a good traveler! Next month Maielle & I will be flying to Utah...without Marcus...I hope she does well while flying! We will see!

Parenthood!

2011-06-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

Our first 8 months of parenthood have been great, learning every day and just when we think we have something figured out, she changes things up on us! She sleeps, she doesn't sleep, she wakes up just once a night, so we are still going up and down with her sleeping! We all think she is teething now...we can see two little white lines on her bottom gums for about two weeks now but nothing has broken through yet?!?!?!? So who knows, maybe she will be like her daddy and get teeth very late!

I am having trouble with CD at night. The CD's I have are Bum Genius & Gro Via. I have tried both and they both are leaking at night. I put two soakers in the Bum Genius and she leaked through so I put three soakers in and she still leaked through! She sleeps on her stomach (I know she should sleep on her back but if I put her on her back she flips to her stomach) and she wakes up in the middle of the night with her stomach all wet! I also tried the Gro Via single insert and also double inserts and she leaks through! So those of you that CD....please let me know what CD you use at night and your tricks because I am still trying to figure things out!

Marcus & I left Maielle for the first time! We went to Galveston for an overnight trip for our anniversary and we had a great time!!!! We relaxed on the beach, had a great dinner, and walked around and shopped! Overall a very nice get away! I am ready for a real vacation though! We are going on vacation with Marcus's family in a few weeks and I am very excited!

So there you have it...a short catch up on what has been going on around here! Loving parenthood and needing a good vacation away from work!

My 1st Easter...in pictures!

2011-05-06T11:12:00.000-05:00

Good Friday we had a crawfish boil and I didn't have my camera so I don't have any pictures from that.

But here are a few from Easter Sunday!

Dressed for Easter Sunday!

We had breakfast Sunday morning with Maielle's great grandmother! Then headed to church!

Maielle got a pair of sunglasses from both of her grandparents!

She will have to grow into these...until then she will go for the Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen look with her over sized sunglasses and over sized bows!

Maielle also got a bathing suit and swim cap from my parents...they just got a pool!

Maielle had to get a chocolate bunny in her Easter basket...this is a stuffed bunny that smells like chocolate!

We had a great 1st Easter with Maielle and look forward to many more holidays with her!

We have an answer!

2011-04-30T09:31:00.002-05:00

I finally got an answer as to what has been going on with my arm!!! I think everyone was questioning my dermatologist, but I knew all along my arm just was not right. Soooo I kept going back to her and after she cut my arm open and took the entire thing out....we finally have an answer!!!! Here is a description as to what it was...

Pyogenic Granuloma is a disease described as little ugly bump like of skin tissues. It seems that raw meat pieces coming out of skin. It is a benign type vascular lesion of the skin whose cause is not known. The surface Pyogenic Granulomas has a raspberry like or we can say raw meat like look. They disease can cause severe problems of discomfort and profuse bleeding. It can happen to adults as well as children. More females are affected than males. During the first three to four months of pregnancy it happen to pregnant mothers. The growth of skin is highly inflamed and red. Sometime some lacerations are found on the meaty skin bump. Our face and feet are generally affected by these bumps. Even just slight even movement or contact causes bleeding in it. We are not able to find exact cause that causes it. But it has seen that skin disease is caused by some skin disorder or injury .It grows very fast and rapidly after some days of injury and grows to half an inch size.

I am just glad that it is on my arm and not my face!!! So now treatment continues and I am comfortable with everything we are doing to treat it. I will be on meds for the next 6 weeks and I have double checked with my dermatologist and also Maielle's doctor that it is okay for me to take the meds and breastfeed! Everyone is comfortable so we continue on with treatment and a cure!!!!

Sneak Peak!

2011-04-29T14:10:00.001-05:00

Here is a sneak peak of Maielle's 6 month pictures! I can't wait to see them all!!!

Issues

2011-04-21T10:02:00.000-05:00

So my life is filled with issues these days!

So Maielle was sleeping through the night and it seems like every time I brag on her she decides that she is going to go back to waking up every three hours! This has been a bad week on soooo many levels. I don't know what to do? When she does wake up she will not go back to sleep unless I BF her. I know that I should not do this but this is the problem that we have. If Marcus tries to put her back to sleep, she screams because she knows she is not going to get fed! We have thrown back and forth the cry it out method, but I know that this will cause even less sleep than what I am getting. She has soothed her self back to sleep several times, so I know she knows how to. And how do I know that she is not waking because she doesn't feel good or something else is wrong...and making her cry it out just seems cruel to me???? Can you tell that I have over thought this sleep problem we have?!?!? She could be teething because she shows all the signs of teething but nothing has popped through yet and by now something should have come through! So here we are...new parents...figuring things out as they come...trying to do the best for our little girl! Any advice is welcomed because I know there are a lot of you out there that have been there, done that!!!!

On top of our sleep issues is this problem with my arm!!!! If you follow me on Twitter then you know everything that I have been going through with this! I had to go back to the dermatologist on Monday to finally get it cut out! We have been trying to treat this for a year now and it was not getting any better so she had to finally cut the entire area out! If I had known how bad this was going to be, I would have put it off until I would have more help (my mom just had surgery so she is not able to help me out). I am not suppose to use my right arm, which is very difficult working and just every day living! Throw in a 6mth old to the mix and that makes it even more difficult! Maielle has been spending a lot of time with her Great Grandmother, Mimi! Then on Tuesday evening my arm started swelling, itching and was very hot! So I was back at the doctor Wednesday morning diagnosed with a skin infection! So I am now trying to heal a 2" cut in my arm and a skin infection! It is much better after just one day of antibiotics.

I started Maielle on solids a couple weeks ago, because she was showing all signs of being ready. So at 5 1/2 months she started eating some solids! I started with pears, since she had such a problem with rice cereal. So our other issue is that she is still not going to the bathroom like she should. I started with pears because they should be good for constipation. So far she has tried pears, bananas, & avocado. She loves them all, but it was funny at the beginning getting her use to solids. Here are a few pictures from her first taste of solids!

Other issues to come later on...
Having a regular quiet time with a baby and sleep deprivation
Facing the guy in court that held my dad and I up at gunpoint

Selling our house and moving

Update on our 5 mth old!

2011-03-17T15:43:00.001-05:00

There are so many things going on...where do I start?

We are moving...at some point hopefully before Maielle's 1st birthday (that is my goal, to be able to have her 1st birthday in our new house)!!! We have been looking at houses in our area for a few months now and we have narrowed it down to a few options. One of those options is building a house. I never thought we would be in the place to be able to afford to build but after crunching the numbers that is an option! This is so hard to decide! We have been touching up the paint inside our house and Marcus has been doing some work to the outside to get it ready to sale! So if anyone knows of anyone looking for a great starter home...ours is for sale! It is two bedrooms and one bath, with an extra room in the back that use to be the third bedroom. It is around 1300 square feet! I am hoping that we can sale it fast!!!!

I had to take Maielle to the doctor two days before her scheduled well visit because she woke up coughing real bad and congested! Then two days later we were back at the doctor for her 4 month checkup! So we had a week of going to the doctor, because I caught her cold and had to go to the doctor! We are all well now and enjoying our almost 5 month old little girl! The doctor told me not to start her on solids until 6 months, so I am happy about that! She is doing great on just breast milk, growing perfectly! She is also sleeping great! At almost exactly 4 months she started sleeping through the night, waking once to eat and going straight back to sleep. Since then she has slept through the night without waking at all to eat! So I don't think she needs solids to sleep! We are all doing great and loving spending each day with her.

I keep finding myself thinking of our other embryos waiting for us. I don't know when we will do another FET, but I do know it will be awhile from now! Until that day, I will wait and think about them often! I love Maielle so much and I want her to have a sibling!

I will leave you with a picture of Maielle hanging out at her Gamma's & Papa house!
She is growing so much and time is going by way too fast! I can't believe we already have a 5 month old (next week)!

Almost 4 mths!

2011-02-17T15:02:00.001-06:00

Our almost 4 month old little girl!

She has changed so much over these past few months! Maielle is now talking so much...she has discovered how to yell! She has had a couple of colds over the past few months and I have discovered how much fun it is to have a sick baby! It is hard when there is nothing you can really do to comfort her. She will give me a few nights of sleeping through the night then she will go back to waking up every 3 hours. So we are still working on sleeping through the night!!! I guess she is about to start with some solids, since my doctor starts babies on solids at 4 months. I gave her a little rice cereal a few weeks ago and after that she did not poop for 3 1/2 days and she did not sleep any better! I am thinking about maybe trying barley or oats instead of rice...I will of course ask her doctor to see what he thinks. Anyone else have these problems after starting solids?

Maielle is so aware of things around her. She has discovered Zoe and grabs at her face when Zoe runs up to her. They are so cute...Zoe is always having to find Maielle and would sleep in her room if we would let her. Maielle is now laughing which is the best sound ever!!! She also rolled over a few weeks before 3 months but since then she hasn't done it any more?!?!?

I have now been back to work about a month and half and today is the first day that I feel caught up! It is a little hard working with Maielle, but I would not change it! I am so happy that I am able to bring my baby with me to work. When she falls asleep I go crazy getting as much work done as I can! Well I here her calling for me...I will try and blog a little more...but don't count on an every day post!

Back to Work!

2011-01-07T15:07:00.000-06:00

This week was my first week back at work! I am very lucky to be able to bring Maielle to work with me!!! It has been really hard to get out of bed every morning and get both of us dressed and to work on time. I think we have done pretty well though. Some days Maielle doesn't get dressed until we get to work because she is still sleeping and I don't want to wake her to get her dressed. I am getting some work done...just a little slower with a baby here.
Maielle is doing great! At her last appointment she weighed 11lbs 2oz and had grown 3" already! She is growing too fast! I love this stage with her! She is cooing, smiling and love to cuddle! She sleeps pretty well. She has been waking only once in the middle of the night to eat, but every now and then she will throw in a night to where she wants to eat every 3 hours. She is still sleeping in her cradle beside my bed, but this weekend we are going to try and move her to her crib!
Breastfeeding is still going great and I have started cloth diapering!!! I just ordered some more diapers because I didn't have enough. So I am very excited to get those in and cloth diaper most of the time! I am glad that I decided to CD because I have found that Maielle is allergic to most disposables! I have also had to alter my diet. Maielle has a milk protein allergy so I am not able to eat or drink anything with milk in it. It is very hard to remember to not eat things with milk.
The holidays were nice and she got lots of stuff!!! We are going this afternoon to look at a bigger house, because we are growing out of our house!!!
Well that is about everything that is going on in our world. As you can tell, blogging has taken a back seat to motherhood!

Baby Girl, Maielle!

2010-11-28T16:07:00.001-06:00

Let me introduce you to our new beautiful addition!

Maielle James

8lbs 3oz

20 1/2 inches long

Our first family photo...after I tell my birth story you will understand why I look so tired.

It all started at 4am on Saturday, October 23rd. I woke up bleeding and got scared. We ended up going to the hospital, they hooked me up to monitors and I was having contractions. I wasn't dilated much and was hoping that they would send me home to labor at home. After about 2 hours of monitoring, they sent me home and said that I would most likely have a baby within 24 hours. We came home to where I labored most of the day. Looking back I wish I would have stayed home for longer, but not knowing what to expect we headed back to the hospital Saturday afternoon after my contraction got stronger and closer together. When we arrived at the hospital they sent me to triage to check me out. I was only dilated to 3cm and was a little disappointed because I was hoping that I was further along. My contractions were coming regular, around 3 - 4 minutes apart. They admitted me and I got set up in a Labor & Delivery room for a long night ahead! Little did we know how long it was actually going to be. I think I labored for around 24 hours without an epidural and then I just needed sleep and decided to get one. After the epidural I was able to get some sleep and rest up until the next morning. After 30 hours of labor it was finally time to push and meet our baby girl. They turned the epidural off and after about 4 pushes our baby girl made her arrival on Sunday at 11:09am.

Maielle endured the long labor and did great the entire time! When she came out she didn't not cry much, seemed healthy and breastfed right away! She then had to go to the nursery for 4 hours for them to check her out and she was still doing great! They brought her back to us and my nurse was in the room checking me out. She asked if she could see our baby girl because she was making a grunting sound. She then called the nursery to come back and check her out because something didn't seem right. So we got to see her for about 5 minutes before they came to take her back to the nursery to get checked out. After some time had past we were told that she was getting moved to the NICU because she needed to be on oxygen because she had fluid on her lungs. It was so hard to see her with bruises from being stuck, iv in her hand that ended up in her head and a tube down her throat. All the things that you go in not wanting to happen because you are going to breastfeed...your baby given a bottle and a pacifier...all go out the door when all you want is your baby to get healthy. I worked hard while she was in the NICU. I would go and see her every 3 hours and feed her and then come back to the room to pump so that I would have to best chance at breastfeeding. It all worked out perfectly and we are successfully breastfeeding with no formula!

They said by her x-rays she should be doing worse than she actually was, but she is a fighter and was on a low level of oxygen. They started antibiotics right away and we were told that the minimum number of days that she has to be on antibiotics is 3 days and I was going to be discharged in 2 days. So that meant that I was going to have to go home without my baby girl! We ended up working it out so that we could stay another night and go home with our baby girl! So we went from constantly watching her monitors to check her oxygen levels and heart rate to bringing her home with nothing attached to her!

This picture is from Maielle's first day home!

Since being home, she is now up to 9lbs and is in the 75% in height and weight! She sleeps well and wakes to eat and goes right back to sleep. Every now and then she will throw in a fussy night but most nights she is good! I am surprised that I am not very tired and it is easy to get out of bed when you have a little person wake you up cooing to eat!

We are very happy at home and now have a month old baby! She keeps me pretty busy, because she loves to be held and sleep on my chest. Here are a few pictures from her one month photo shoot!

Shower #2

2010-10-20T15:18:00.002-05:00

Almost a month ago, I had my second shower! It was beautiful and once again Baby Girl received so many great gifts!

Here is a picture of the grandmothers and great grandmothers! Baby Girl is loved by so many and we all can't wait to meet her!

This is a picture of all the wonderful ladies that gave me the shower!

Isn't the cake gorgeous? It tasted even better than it looked...best cake ever!!!

As you can see by all of the gifts...I opened gifts until the very end!

I have since found a place for everything in our very small house. Everything is organized and all the clothes are washed. Now we are just waiting for Baby Girls to make her arrival! I am praying that she will come before Monday, so that I do not have to be induced!

Thank you to everyone that worked so hard for this shower (my sister especially)...it was absolutely amazing!

End Date

2010-10-19T18:06:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the doctor and I am dilated to almost 2 cm. Baby girls head is now engaged and everything is progressing! I have stayed home from work the past 2 days because my feet are swelling very bad and they seemed to be getting worse. Today at my appointment my doctor didn't seem as worried about my feet as I thought he was going to be, so I am going back to work half a day until Baby girl makes her arrival. I am praying that baby girl will decide to come within the next few days because if nothing happens by Monday, then most likely I will be induced on Monday. I really don't want to be induced because my birth plan is going to try and go all natural. I am keeping all options open though and will try and keep an open mind! Any suggestions on if I do have to have an induction and opinions on pain meds???? Baby girl has 5 days to get moving and I am going to try all the old wives tales to get her out before Monday! If you want to keep up with us and baby girl, I will be tweeting any changes and updating along the way!

Baby Girl

2010-09-23T11:57:00.000-05:00

You are the little miracle that I have dreamed of for so many years. The day that I found out about you, my heart could have exploded from loving you! I have waited to hold you in my arms for far too long! I know when that time does come that I will be overcome with emotions. For we are finally there, a family of three! Know that I have dreamed about you, your name, your face, your hair, and your eyes, for far too long. I was truly blessed because I got to see you when you were only just a little blob with a heartbeat. Then I was able to watch you grow and form into the wiggling and very active baby inside me now!

In the beginning you made me very sick. I was nauseated everyday and all day long, but I enjoyed each and every second of it. For this is what I had prayed for, for many years! Yes, I prayed for morning sickness! I wanted to experience it all, everything that went along with pregnancy! I could not eat meat or Mexican food (which before you came along Mexican food was my favorite). It was a good thing that I was pregnant during the summertime because I had plenty of fruits and vegetables to choose from.

By the time the second trimester came around the nausea went away and I slowly started to get my energy back! I also started to feel you move around inside of me at 17 weeks! That was the strangest and best feeling that I have ever felt! I would get the biggest smile on my face every time I felt you build up enough energy to give me a good kick! You are a very active baby inside of me and this makes me wonder if you will be the same when you are born??? I have enjoyed watching my belly grow as you have gotten bigger each and every day. Your dad and I also enjoy picking out your body parts that you are moving around my belly.

You are beyond miracles; you are truly a blessing from God that we prayed for, along with many of our friends and family! You have taught me so much already and I know that I will continue to learn lessons through being your mother.

Your dad and I didn’t care if you were a boy or girl, but when we found out you were a girl, our girl, we were both very excited to start planning for you. Your dad picked your name in the very beginning even before we knew we were having a girl and we can’t wait to share it with everyone! We have kept your name a secret this entire pregnancy, which was very hard at times. There are many people that are going crazy because we will not tell your name, but we wanted that to be something between your dad and me. I have had so much fun decorating your nursery and picking out outfits for you. You already have so many pairs of shoes!

Your furry sister, Zoe, is also waiting for your arrival. She doesn’t quite know how her life is about to change drastically! She already loves your room, I think she has taken it over as her room for now, but she will learn to share it with you. She is so cute when she runs up to me and just starts poking at my belly with her nose, sniffing and licking you.

I am thankful everyday of this pregnancy that I have had the chance to experience life growing inside of me. I pray that I am a good mother, and never forget how truly blessed I am to be given the opportunity to be your parent. I pray that you come to love the Lord as I have and that you learn to trust in Him and find the peace that I have found in Him.

Just know baby girl that I love you more than I could write or say, more than you could even imagine and this love only grows more and more each day that I carry you. Know that I have enjoyed being pregnant with you each and every day and I am looking forward with anticipation to this next journey with you!

Baby Shower #1

2010-09-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

A month ago some awesome ladies gave me a shower at our church! I opened gifts for the full two hours of the shower. So needless to say, I received a lot of great gifts for this special baby girl! Below is a picture of the ladies that gave me the shower! I am so thankful to these ladies that gave me such a great and thoughtful shower! It was amazing!

Baby girl got a jewelry box from Tiffany's from her Aunt Tiffany!!! When she starts getting mobile we will have to put this in a special place :)

Marcus came at the end of the shower to load up the gifts and I was still opening gifts, so he got to help me out and open a few gifts!

Someone painted this little chair to match my bedding! It turned out so cute and looks really cute in her room!

Wardrobe stocked full of clothes and shoes already!

This Sunday I have another shower that my sister, family and friends are giving me. I can't wait because I know they have spent so much time on this shower to make it special for us! Baby girl is so blessed with so many people that love her already, even before she is here! I am just overwhelmed with appreciation for everything that everyone is doing for us!

We still have not decided on her full name. We joked last night that I am going to be in labor and she still will not have a middle name. There are two names that we both like for different reasons! We might just have to see her when she gets here and see what name she looks like the most?!?!?! We also do not have the nursery finished, my hospital bag packed or the car seat installed! Can you tell that there are some pretty major things that we need to get done within the next week! But we did get a little getaway this past weekend. This was the last weekend that I could travel, so we took advantage of it and had a great relaxing weekend away!

Sick

2010-09-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

I know it is has been awhile since I have updated on here, but our lives have been very busy. Since my last update we have had our first shower, we have taken maternity pictures, the nursery is getting closer and closer to being ready and much much more! I am so wanting to nest and wash and organize everything, but I have had a cold for over a week now and don't feel like doing anything. I have tried all the home remedies to overcome this cold but nothing is working. I was up all night last night with an extreme cough! My doctor has given me different things to try before going to a prescription, but we are at the point to where we have to turn to something else because nothing is working. I don't really like taking medicine but I am at the point to where I just want to be over this cold and be able to carry on with preparing for this little girl! Also at my last doctors appointment I found out that my iron is too low, so I am now having to take iron. I was worried that this would mess up my body as some of you know iron does, but so far so good...no problems with taking the iron! As soon as I get more time I need to post pictures from my first shower, pictures of the nursery and hopefully I will be able to share some of our maternity pictures with you all!

Overwhelmed

2010-08-03T07:54:00.000-05:00

We are so overwhelmed with baby registries!!! We went this past weekend to a couple of stores to register at and the first store was fun. It was a little baby boutique and mainly just one of a kind items and not many decisions had to be made. Then we went to the BIG baby store and were overwhelmed!!! I guess I should have been more organized, but my life seems so crazy right now. I need help making some decisions!!! There are so many choices to make….bottles, breast pumps, supplies for breast pumps, supplies for bottles, swings, bouncers, sheets (how many do I need), bath supplies, clothing (prob don’t need help on this), grooming stuff, and the list could go on forever!!!

What are your favorite brands?

Which breast pump do you recommend?

What are some key registry items?

How many bottles, sheets, and anything else that I am not thinking of, do I need?

Marcus and I were so overwhelmed when we left the store and it didn’t help that the store didn’t have a lot of things that I really liked! Mothers out there….please help me out!!!!

Is love all you need?

2010-07-23T08:35:00.000-05:00

All you need is love, love, love is all you need! It’s cliché, but is it true? In the IVF world is love all you need? I would say on some levels this is what gets you through cycle after cycle. But isn’t love all you need in the fertile world to make a baby? In the infertile world you need medical procedures, tons of shots, surgeries, sterile operating rooms and many doctors to even give you a chance of getting pregnant! With all of this going on it is so easy to leave the loving part out of the equation and just go through procedure after procedure. I think this is what tears most infertile couples apart. But you have to remember what the motivating factor behind all of this is! It was your love for one another that has brought you to this point. I know that IVF brought Marcus and I closer together and our love has grown stronger through the craziness of IVF. There is nothing that tests a relationship more than surviving an insanely difficult experience together. I would say that our infertility story is a love story!

It is so easy to focus on my own struggles and heartbreak from these experiences but I have to remember that this is both me and my husband’s journey of heartbreak to joy! He was right by my side through it all. Holding me when I was broken from a failed cycle, giving me shot after shot, holding my hand through cycle after cycle and sitting right beside me through all of the procedures. I could not have made it through the past almost four years without him by my side. Our love is stronger and all we did need was love...love for God and love for each other! This is what has brought us on the other side with a stronger love than we could have ever imagined!

It happened in a blink

2010-07-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, June 30th I experienced something that I wish no one would ever have to experience. I was at work eating lunch with my dad (I work at a family business), and a guy walked in and pulled a shot gun on us and rob us. In the blink of an eye my life was changed. The thoughts going through my head were my baby, protecting my baby and please don’t let my dad get shot. It never crossed my mind that I would get hurt. My heart was racing, but God was there with us. I knew in my heart that if we just gave him what he wanted that he would leave and not hurt us. Since then they have caught the guy and that is very comforting to us all. In some strange way I feel God had prepared me for this. He knew this was going to happen. I don’t know why he did not stop it from happening; all I can do is thank him for protecting us! There is a lot of healing going on and each day I think we all get a little better. There will be positive things that come from this horrible June day….I know!!! I am now always conscience of my surroundings and my guard is up. It is amazing the things you can go through with God by your side! He is amazing and I thank Him every day for protecting us!

The baby and I are doing well. At my last doctors appointment my blood pressure was higher than normal and I had not gained any weight in a month but after everything I had just gone through my doctor was okay with that. At my next appointment I have to do my Glucose test, I am worried about that since I have been Hypoglycemic my entire life.

I feel like I am running out of time to get everything finished. This pregnancy is going by way too fast!!! We do have a crib and dresser and are still looking for an antique wardrobe. We still need to paint the crib and distress it (to be done by my dad & sister), but I know that will get done. I am so excited fixing up her nursery and getting all these baby items in our house seem surreal to me! I hung some of the clothes that we have received as gifts in her closet and Marcus opened the door and was shocked to see those little clothes in the closet! To say the least we are enjoying this pregnancy experience immensely!

Baby Girl!

2010-07-11T19:09:00.001-05:00

I went and had a 3D/4D ultrasound and it was a great experience! Baby girl was not very cooperative but we were able to get a few good pictures of her! She has been in the same position for the past two ultrasounds which surprises me because she is very active in there. She was all cuddled up and in some pictures she is hugging her umbilical cord. She is already measuring 2lbs and has a long torso! Looks like she might be taking after her mother. I was a big and long baby. We had a great time sharing this experience with our parents and my sister!

Trust your doctor?

2010-06-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

I went this past week for my 6 month check up at my dermatologist. The last time I went, she removed a spot that came back with pre-cancerous cells in it. This is usually the norm for me. I think this might have made her a little more cautious than normal. So I had these other red spots that weren't going away. I have probably had them for a couple of months at least. I showed them to her expecting her to give me something to rub on them....instead she was suspicious of them. Since they had been there so long and were not getting any better, she wanted to remove them to find out what they are. I was reluctant because I thought something had just bitten me and I was healing differently with pregnancy. I even told her this but she kept looking at them and said that she would like to remove at least one of them to find out what it is. So I trusted my doctor and let her remove one of the spots.

After a lot of blooding, I now have three stitches in my arm! My arm is also bruised, irritated and itching! I should have questioned her more on her reasoning behind removing the spot, but I trusted my doctor! I did not show her these spots for her to remove them; I showed them to her to see if she had some medication to put on them. But I now have stitches in a very bad spot on my arm that are driving me crazy! To make things worse, my doctor called me yesterday to tell me the pathologist results. Guess what it was............................

a severe reaction to a bug bite!!!! REALLY I have stitches from a bug bite?????? I am not happy!!!

Growing belly of mine!

2010-06-18T10:23:00.000-05:00

Some say I should hide you, fully covered! But I am proud of you! Should I wear a bikini to show you off or should I keep you hidden to myself? I am all for showing you off!

I catch a glimpse of you as I walk past a mirror and I am shocked. Is that me? Somehow in my mind, it seems as though you should still be flat and not hold another life inside of you. But there you are, getting bigger each day that passes and I just can’t get enough of you.

I hold you in my hands and look at you in awe. You mark the growth of our first child, a baby girl. I gladly take all the fat jokes and smile proudly when someone calls me prego.

Each morning and night I massage you with creams to help you stretch, and keep stretching! You are so beautiful, my growing and round belly!

I finally get to adorn you in maternity clothes…some that have been in my closet for YEARS! I feel something move inside of you and I smile at the miracle that you are carrying, silently thanking God!

I know that this is just a brief moment in time and I am cherishing each and every second of this growing belly of mine!

Sneak Peek!

2010-06-16T08:16:00.000-05:00

Lately I feel like my life is crazy and I don't have any time to relax! I am ready for the exterior of our house to be finished...getting closer every day! I have narrowed down some of my big selections, but I still have not made a decision on a bed! Here is a sneak peek of the first purchase made for the little girls room! I am doing a vintage theme with mix matched furniture! Can't wait to see how it all comes together!

I still need to find an antique armoire/wardrobe that is not expensive, a bed, a rocker and all the other necessities for a nursery! I could not find any bedding that I liked, but I did find some fabric. So my mom is making my bedding and I can't wait to see the finished product! What are your thoughts on bumper pads? I have read the positive and negatives to using them.

I get a little overwhelmed when I have to make all these decisions at once and feel like I am being pressured to make them fast. I am trying to just remind myself that I have time and there is no need to rush...it will get it finished. I am not gripping though...I am loving doing this and creating a nursery for our baby girl!

Oh, by the way, any girl name suggestions? We have one name that we like but it would be nice to have some other options! We like unusual names!!!

It's A Baby.....

2010-06-07T19:41:00.000-05:00

To both of us it didn't matter what we were having, but we are excited to welcome a baby girl into our family! We both were sure that it was a boy and for some reason I was shocked to find out that is was a girl! Like I said it did not matter if it was a boy or girl and now the planning begins! I am overwhelmed right now with all the decisions that I have to make now. I have to design a nursery, find furniture, find bedding, pick out what I am going to register for and so much more!!!! I have been looking at bedding but can't seem to find anything I like. Then there are the decisions on what car seat and stroller do I want? I need help!!!! This past weekend my mom helped me clean out and rearrange some furniture in our house, but we have so much more to do!!! Marcus has been very busy the past few months working on the exterior of the house and I know he will be happy to be finished with that, but it seems like the list of things to do keep growing!

I need some expert opinions:

1. Where is a good place to look for bedding? I have looked online and everything for a girl nursery is too girly for me! I am leaning towards turquoise!

2. I think we are going to Houston to look at some stuff...where are some places that we should go look?

3. What car seat and stroller do you like or what do you have and not like?

4. If I buy a regular dresser that is not baby furniture, will the contoured changing pad work on top of it?

Can you tell that I have too many thoughts going through my head to sort all of this out! I am overwhelmed and need help! I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all of this stuff! You would think that I had plenty of time to look and think about this but when you are going through infertility it is hard to plan for something that you thought you might never get! So if you have experience please share your knowledge with me! I want the best for this little girl!

Whats been going on!

2010-06-02T07:56:00.000-05:00

It seems like our life is always busy and no time to blog, so here are a few updates on what is going on these days:

Marcus is still working on the exterior of the house. We are all ready for this to be finished and I know he is really ready!!! Hopefully it will get painted this weekend...that is the plan at least!
This weekend is our 6 year anniversary!!! We are planning on going to eat at a nice restaurant to celebrate!

We went on a last minute vacation to Gulf Shores for the long weekend. It was a very nice, relaxing get-a-way!!! I just wish we could have stayed longer. The beach was beautiful with no tar or tar balls!

Over the weekend Marcus was able to feel the baby kick for the first time!!! This baby can kick! I love watching the baby move all around in my stomach! I didn't think I would be able to experience these things so early in the pregnancy, since a lot of people told me that I probably would not feel the baby move until 20 weeks.

Today we get to see our baby again!!! I am very excited and hopefully we will find out what we are having...that is if Baby Kyler cooperates! It will be fun to be able to start planning a nursery and come up with a name. To me it really does not matter what we are having...no preference towards one or the other! I just pray for a healthy baby to spoil and love on!!!

Somersaults

2010-05-18T17:55:00.001-05:00

Somersaults by our very active baby...that is what I am feeling these days in my belly and it is amazing! Our baby is not very active in the morning, but get very active in the afternoon! Maybe this will continue on until after birth?!?!?!?

I started feeling different feelings in my lower stomach before I even made it to 17 weeks and then around 17 weeks I realized that it was the baby moving. I love the feeling of our baby moving around inside of me...it still startles me at times. I wonder what the baby is doing inside there, it feels like it is turning flips!

I am still having some side affects from my progesterone shots. I am having pain in my left hip that makes it very uncomfortable to lay on my left side. At first they thought that we might have hit my sciatic nerve but now we just think that I have tissue and muscle damage from the shots. Has anyone else had this problem from the POI shots? I am not griping though, I will take the pain with this amazing little miracle turning somersaults inside me. I just got my dreamgenii pillow in and am very excited about trying it out tonight. Maybe this will help with my hip pain.

I had another doctors appointment yesterday and everything checked out great. He was happy with my weight even though I have not gained the recommended amount up to this point. I schedule my ultrasound and it is earlier than what I expected. My doctor said that he would like to wait until around 22 weeks for my ultrasound, but it is scheduled at 20 weeks. So on June 2nd we will hopefully find out what baby Kyler is!!!! I can't wait...Marcus and I both think that it is a boy.

I also can't get enough of my belly...I love my belly! I still can't believe that is me when I look into the mirror. New clothes and undergarments also come along with this growing belly, which can be expensive! The styles right now make it easier for finding stuff. I have been buying nonmaternity tops and dresses on sale that work perfect. Pregnancy is expensive! My doctor told me yesterday that I could not wear the shoes I had on anymore. So I told Marcus that my doctor told me that I needed to buy some new shoes!!! For a shoe lover like me...that was just what I wanted to hear!!!

I am loving the somersaults, can't wait for the ultrasound, and just can't get enough of my growing belly!!!!

Mother-To-Be

2010-05-07T09:21:00.001-05:00

Of all the Mothers Day’s I have experienced in my life, this one is going to be extra special. I can say that all at once I am excited for what’s to come but also anxious about the unknown. I would have to say that I expect this Mother’s Day to go very different than last year. Last Mother’s Day was a very hard day for me. My emotions were all over the place and it seemed like everywhere I turned I was reminded that I was not a mother. But that surprise answer I got in February has forever changed me!!! Spending Mother’s Day pregnant has made me realize how awesome God is. It amazes me to see all the things that are falling into place for Marcus and me. I now know why God kept telling me to wait; it was a hard year of waiting but worth it all. Although there is no baby for us to hold and others might not see me as being a mother, I am still going to celebrate this Mother’s Day!

I will smile this Mother’s Day, with our baby growing inside my belly, because this will probably be the easiest Mother’s Day I will ever have! There are no sleepless nights, a baby crying all night or a toddler to chase around the house. I will also have to say that I am sooooo looking forward to the sleepless nights, crying baby and every stage of life…this is what I have been asking for, for what seems like a lifetime! For the next 5 ½ months I will be dreaming about what kind of mom I will be? What will our baby look like…will it have dimples, curly hair, and olive skin, will it be a boy or a girl? I am in the dreaming stage and I am trying to soak it all in and dream away!

This Mother’s Day is for Marcus and I to celebrate where we have come from, what we have gone through and most of all celebrate this miracle growing inside of me! So on Sunday, pregnant and a mother-to-be, I will look forward to the Mother Days to come that will continuously find new meaning of what being a mother really is. I am excited about the future and what God has for us!

niaw 2010

2010-04-26T16:11:00.000-05:00

Even though I am pregnant, I still deal with Infertility everyday. The thought never leaves my mind that this might be my only pregnancy, so I cherish every moment of this pregnancy. The thought never leaves my mind that the only way for me to get pregnant again is to do another FET.

It has been 3 1/2 years since we learned that we would join the infertility community. This is something that I will carry with me the rest of my life. It was 3 1/2 years ago when I sat wondering if I would ever carry a pregnancy of my own. It has been 3 1/2 years since we sat wondering how in the world will going to pay for IVF!!! It has also been 3 1/2 years of amazing blessings and answers to prayers. Also in those 3 1/2 years I had some of the hardest days of my life, but I would not trade any of those 3 1/2 years.

As I sit and type this, I look down at my pregnant belly and I am filled with joy, happiness, excitement, hope, love, and very thankful for this huge blessing that I get to carry, nurture, and grow!!!

First!

2010-04-22T09:18:00.000-05:00

First Purchase!

I made my first baby purchase! I bought these adorable yellow suede booties lined with brown fur. Since we will be having a winter baby I think they will be perfect! The problem is Zoe seems to be very interested in them. Marcus put them on the floor last night and worked with her leaving them alone and it only took one correction for her to leave them alone. Then we moved on to a baby crying to see what her reaction would be and of course she was very interested in that. She eventually went and laid on her bed and was fine with the noise. I hope her good behavior will continue on! She seems to listen to Marcus very well but not so much to me.

First Regular Ob/Gyn Visit!

I went on Monday to my first doctor’s visit and it was a very long morning! I had to have some fasting blood work done, so before my appointment I went and did that. I have blood sugar problems and pregnancy has made that a little worse so fasting in the morning was not good. Luckily the blood work didn't take long and I was able to go and get breakfast in the cafeteria before heading to my appointment. My obstetrician appointment was at 8:30 and we were the first people there, so I figured we were his first appointment...should not assume that ever! Shortly after getting there the waiting room was full of pregnant ladies (some past their due dates)! So they of course went in front of me....as I am sure they were worked in. I was happy to at last be one of them! I have gone to this doctor many times and just starred at the pregnant ladies and wondered if I would ever be one of them. And on Monday I got to join the pregnant club in the waiting room. We sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half before getting called back!!! Once we got called back everything was great. My weight went down, so he is a little concerned about that. It is strange because I have this growing belly but little to no weight gain! I really don't understand that, I guess it is just my uterus slowly moving up. The highlight of the appointment was we got to finally hear the heartbeat! Up until now, we have only seen it beating on the ultrasound screen. It was music to my ears to hear that whooshing, swooshing sound! Can’t wait to hear it again! I have also looked into having a 3D/4D ultrasound and will have that done after my BIG 20 week ultrasound!

First Vacation Planned!

We are going back to Gulf Shores for a relaxing family vacation. My parents, my sister and her husband are all going. I am looking forward to getting away and relaxing before we have a baby. I hope that Marcus and I will be able to get away a few times before the baby arrives, to be able to just soak in this precious time we have as a couple!

Goodbye 1st, Hello 2nd!!!

2010-04-15T10:18:00.000-05:00

Well HELLO 2nd Trimester!!! Am I really out of my first trimester???? I told Marcus that today I should miraculously start to feel better! He found that to be very humorous. I am still very tired (I go to bed around 8:30 almost every night) and still nauseated pretty much all day! But I don't care, because I am in my 2nd Trimester!!!! I go on Monday to my regular OB/Gyn and hopefully we will get to hear the baby's heartbeat. Up until now we have only seen it beating on the ultrasound screen, so it will be nice to hear that whooshing sound. I also have to go Monday morning to do some fasting blood work and I am a little worried if I will be able to make it through that without getting sick! So here we are cruising along and loving pregnant life!

12W4D

2010-04-14T08:46:00.000-05:00

I am not so good at remembering to take a picture every week. I will have to get better!!! Here is my 12 week 4 day baby bump!

We went to a wedding this weekend in Louisiana and had a great time with family! Marcus went and played golf earlier in the day and forgot to put on sunscreen as you can tell in this picture.

This picture was taken after we got back to the hotel after the wedding. We left the reception early around 12:00. I tried to stay until they left but I was worn out, as you can tell in this picture, and my feet hurt real bad! We found out the next morning that they didn't leave until around 1:30, so I am glad that we left when we did. Here is my belly shot at 12 weeks 2 days.

We had a great weekend but I am worn out. The past few days I have been trying to recuperate from the weekend!

Bittersweet

2010-04-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

Today my departure from my infertility clinic was bittersweet. I am ecstatic that I am in this place! But these people have been a large part of my life for the past three and half years and we have gotten close to some of them. So I am sad that I have to leave them, but also happy that after three and half years I get to be THIS person!!! You know that normal pregnant lady! I will not lie I did shed tears when I realized that I was not going to see these people until our next time around (not even going to think about when that next time will be). Maybe it is the hormones that made this sad. Our joke around the house is Marcus is waiting for me to start crying for no reason at all…you know at a commercial or just something silly. I bought him a Father-to-Be book and it warns him of this. So here I am released from my infertility doctor, tapering off all my meds and scheduled to see my regular Ob/Gyn. On Monday I will be officially off all the infertility meds. I did have another ultrasound today, but we did not leave with anymore pictures. I was just happy to see our baby again!!! As of right now I think it is a Boy…I think I saw something on the ultrasound today (but it could have been anything). He/She was moving all around and of course is so cute, looked like he/she has long legs to me. More positive things are also happening around our house…as of this month we will be paid up on our infertility loan (now time to start saving for baby)!!! I think this month calls for some celebration at the Kyler household!!!! Praise God for these many blessing and for providing for us to be in the place we are!

Baby Kyler says Hi!

2010-04-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

Today was awesome! It brought tears to my eyes seeing our baby moving, wiggling, and dancing all around! Everything measured perfect and we got to see so many things....brain, spine, fingers, toes, umbilical cord, placenta forming (on the back and not in the way), and of course a perfect heart beating at 165 bpm!

I am only 11 weeks and the baby is only about the size of a lime and we saw all of this! I can't even comprehend how someone could abort a baby. I truly believe that we would have fewer abortions if a person has to get an ultrasound before making the decision. I can't even start to explain how awesome today’s appointment was. I am about to be a normal pregnant patient and I will have to wait longer than 2 weeks for my next ultrasound! I am very thankful that I have gotten these ultrasounds so far. For as much as we have been through, it has been very reassuring to see our baby growing each 2 weeks!

Still doesn't feel real?

2010-04-01T10:07:00.003-05:00

This pregnancy still does not feel real at times! I am thankful every day for this amazing pregnancy, but I still don't believe it is real. It is like I am waiting for something to prove to me that this is not real. I doesn't matter how nauseated I feel or my little pooch that seems to keep growing, I am still in disbelief! The nausea to me is a reassuring sign that everything is okay, so in some weird way, I enjoy it! Today is my last ultrasound at my infertility doctor and next week I will have my last appointment with my doctor. At that appointment I will get instructions to start stepping down on all the infertility meds (yippee) and I will get released to my regular Ob/Gyn. I know I am going to have to wait longer than 2 weeks to have another ultrasound and I don't like that. I have gotten use to having that reassuring cute little picture on that screen of my baby with a beating heart! I don't want to wish this pregnancy to go by fast because who knows this could be my only pregnancy and I want to enjoy every step of the way! I know I just have to hand over my worries and put my trust that God has his hand on this pregnancy and it will end with a baby in our arms! It is hard but I am trying to lay down my worries.

I will end with a picture of my 10 week belly (mostly bloat) and check in later for a picture of our cute little 11 week old fetus!

2nd Picture!

2010-03-18T14:03:00.000-05:00

Growing right on track, 171 heartbeat...looking perfect to us!

Can't wait until 2 more weeks go by to see our baby again!

It is amazing how much it has changed in just 2 weeks!

early parenting books?

2010-03-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

I have all your normal pregnancy books...What to Expect When Your Expecting, Your Pregnancy Week to Week, Pregnancy Diet Guides, and I even bought Marcus a father’s guide to read. I want to get some more books to help prepare us for this life changing thing that is going to happen in October! Anyone have any good books they could suggest? I am looking for more of an early parenting guide. One that deals with sleeping techniques, breastfeeding, introducing the baby to a dog (this will be quite interesting) or just and over all good informational book. I know nothing I read can truly prepare me for this amazing life I will be caring for but I at least would like to read up and know that I did as much as I could! So please help and give me some suggestions!

*More question to come in the next 7 months!!!

Decisions?!?!?

2010-03-10T08:29:00.001-06:00

Update:
For the time being I am not going to get the vaccine...too many people in the medical profession have told me that they would not get it if they were me, so for now I am not going to get it. That doesn't mean I won't change my mind.

I have an important decision to make. My doctor has advised me to get the H1N1 vaccine. She has pretty much left it up to me to make the decision, and I am going back and forth on what to do???? They tell every patient that gets pregnant to get it, but it is really up to me weather I get it or not. I am leaning more towards not getting it, but then I go the other way. Has anyone gotten it while pregnant or had to make this decision? What did you base your decision on? I know I should listen to my doctor and trust her but I also want to make sure I make the best decision for me!!!

Seeking Motherhood

2010-03-04T10:55:00.000-06:00

I get a daily devotional email and todays was about seeking motherhood. The title caught my eye first of all! I have prayed during this waiting time that God would be praparing me to raise a child in His word and to love God above everything else! I want to give a saint back to God!

Seeking Motherhood
Selections from Luke 1

There was a priest of Abijah's division named Zachariah. His wife was from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. Both were righteous in God's sight.... But they had no children because Elizabeth could not conceive, and both of them were well along in years.... After these days his wife Elizabeth conceived, and kept herself in seclusion for five months. She said, The Lord has done this for me. He has looked with favor in these days to take away my disgrace among the people.... Then her neighbors and relatives heard that the Lord had shown her His great mercy.

Wonder why God chose this well-along-in-years woman to amaze with a miracle baby? We don't know if she had given up hope, or if perhaps she still prayed every day for the impossible. But we do know this God can do anything with someone who seeks him.

There are some very human reasons for wanting a child. They draw attention like a magnet. Their little fingers and toes look like the dolls you always played with. And they're so cute in their costumes at the school play. But Elizabeth seems like a woman who had gotten beyond these kinds of desires. Her lifetime of faithfulness to the Lord indicates that her longing for a child came from a yearning to impart God's Word to a little one. And she certainly must have. John the Baptist's life was proof of powerful parenting.

Look At It This Way
When parents receive a child from the hand of God, their job, in the words of Janet Erskine Stuart, is to give a saint to God. Who is sufficient for these things? This small package of living flesh, with their blood coursing through its tiny veins, their features alarmingly recognizable on the wizened face; real, workable fingers, capable of a damp, hot, strong grip on one of theirs; lungs which can produce the most heartbreakingly soft coos and unbearably harsh cries; skin so smooth, so silky, so tender you want to weep when you touch it. And they are responsible for this? Solely responsible to give a saint back to God! A talented woman was asked by a friend, Why have you never written a book? I am writing two, was the quiet reply. I have been engaged in one for ten years, the other five. It doth yet appear what they shall be, said the woman, but when he makes up my jewels, my great ambition is to find them there. Your children? Yes, my two children. They are my life's work. Elisabeth Elliot

128 bpm

2010-03-02T16:52:00.001-06:00

This is a picture of a picture, so when I get to work tomorrow I will scan it and make it a little more clear. The picture is not much but looks perfect to us!

We went to the doctor today for our first ultrasound and saw one perfect little heartbeat!!! It is amazing that you can see the heartbeat on something the size of a blueberry! It was beating at 128 bpm and measured right on track at 6 weeks 5 days!

We go back in a couple of weeks for another ultrasound! I am going to get used to seeing the little blueberry and then they are going to release me to my regular ob/gyn and I am not going to know what to do!

Surprise Answer!

2010-02-24T10:19:00.000-06:00

I don't even know where to start....

I am still in disbelief and feel like it will be more tangible when I see that heartbeat/heartbeats. I don't know why God choose to answer our prayers, nor do I feel I deserve such a huge blessing on some days. But I do know that God did answer our prayers and I am extremely grateful and humbled. I want to say that I do not chalk this successful cycle up to two coincidental fortunes but to the Lord that has brought us through these, hard at times, three and half years! My prayers have changed from asking to be able to carry a child, to praying for a healthy, wonderful, awe inspiring pregnancy. We have received this pregnancy as a gift from God. I pray that I will be able to go through this pregnancy with as little worries as possible…which I have already failed at. I am in uncharted territory with this surprise answered to prayer. I find myself wondering some days if this is all just a dream. I am trying to not worry about the next step, but I guess there is also something we are waiting on…weather it be a 2 week wait, 2nd beta, ultrasound?!?!? I hope and pray that I can continue my song of praise this entire pregnancy and I don’t let the worries overcome me. I have waited for this for a very long time and I want to enjoy each milestone even the morning sickness!!!

Fortune?!?!?!

2010-02-23T10:19:00.000-06:00

Right before my FET, we ordered Chinese takeout and these were our fortunes!!! Now I never put much stock into fortune cookies, usually crack it open and throw the fortune aside, but for some reason this night we both read our fortunes!!! Now I think the fortune cookie knew something that night and was trying to clue us in on our upcoming successful cycle. Don't you?????

Pregnancy Update: If you haven't noticed I have updated Our Journey on the sidebar. My 1st beta on 2/16/10 was 700 and my 2nd beta on 2/22/10 was 5,410!!! So everything is right on track! We go next week for an ultrasound! I have been very tired and just in the past couple the nausea has gotten worse. I still have not thrown up yet...this morning came really close though!

Our Journey!

2010-02-19T19:53:00.003-06:00

I know I have been absent from here for awhile, but I think I had a pretty good excuse. I hope you enjoy the slideshow of Our Journey!

2009 in Review: Part Two

2010-01-28T15:58:00.000-06:00

October

Vacation #5 (or 6) South Carolina

I never posted anything about our last trip of the year!

We went to the beach but did not get in the water...too cold!

But we walked on the beach and picked up shells

They had tons of putt putt places, so we played putt putt one day

Marcus plays golf, but it rained almost every day. He did not get a chance to play while we were there.

Art in the Park

Local artist had booths in this really nice park! This was from a guy doing metal work.

We had one day that the weather was really nice, so we went to Brookgreen Gardens and walked around all day! It was great just being outside in the sunshine and no rain!

Marcus made fun of my shoes I was wearing-Hiking shoes for the day!

We got caught in the rain one day at a boardwalk that had a Ripley's Aquarium at it so we went to the aquarium.

We also went and walked through some old homes and plantations

Right after South Carolina I had my long awaited surgery!
And you all know the results from that...if not read this post!

December

We go every year and cut down our our tree

I thought that these were cute and would have used them on our Christmas cards,

you know if I would have sent any out?!?!?!?

For my birthday we went to Galveston to the Festival of Light and just to get away. The Festival of Lights was not what I was expecting...might have been better if I was 20 years younger!

2009 in Review: Part One

2010-01-22T08:33:00.001-06:00

January

Started with high hope with our FET #1

and then ended very quickly with a negative.

God was just beginning to polish out my rough edges

February

We got a new protocol…I will take Lovenox with FET #2 and also have laparoscopy surgery.

March

We were forced to move up the bathroom redo with a broken pipe in the wall!

It was finished in April!

May

We got great news…surgery is scheduled and our insurance will cover it!

June

Was just the beginning of my many trips! Vacation #2 Gulf Shores…

July

God was saying not yet…more waiting…more polishing!

Just relax and I am going to pour out the blessing upon you!

Vacation #3 Conroe

August

Vacation #4 Natchez

September

Vacation #4 1/2 (or 5) Houston Sports Trip

To be continued with Vacation #6 and the holidays!

Sharing in their Joy!

2010-01-19T21:00:00.006-06:00

Today I was able to share in their joy...
Birth Announcements, Baby Showers, Births....all usually hard for an IF person!
Our really good friends had their baby today! I know from reading other IF blogs that this is hard for most to be able to do. But today I was able to share in their JOY! Probably a year ago I would not have been able to do this day without tears, but today I was actually happy and giddy that our friends had their baby! Maybe it is where we are in this process...with this up coming cycle I am full of hope...happy and giddy about this cycle. Maybe it is because they are like family to us. I can't wait to see them again and hold the baby! I am not even going to think about them leaving us!?!?! Yes, they are going to move, whenever God places them in a church, they will leave us. Until then I will have to soak up all I can get. I mean how can I not want to be around a new born baby...that is what we have been trying for, for over 3 years! Congratulations to the Tucker family on their new addition!

Couldn't have said it any better!

2010-01-13T11:31:00.000-06:00

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan? Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know." ~Anon.

Hoping & Bracing

2010-01-11T21:21:00.000-06:00

Hoping: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Bracing: to summon up one's courage; to tighten, clasp, strengthen, or fortify.

These were the topics in the past two sections in my devotional Longing For a Child. The exact emotions I am going through right now. I am hoping that this next cycle with have positive results but I am also bracing to be curled up in a ball bawling my eyes out with a negative. I know I need to stay positive and I can say that the past few days the negative thoughts are tucked way back in my mind. I know I have been quiet on here and not doing very many updates. I am dealing with a flood of emotions and am trying to get my head on straight.

My times are in your hands. (Psalm 31:15a)

Lord, I feel as if hope is my enemy. My past disappointments and my future fears are stealing my joy. The battle within my soul rages on. Help me, Lord! Help me see that you are the joy that gives me strength-strength to celebrate a small, or large, victory. You are my Hope. I surrender my disappointments and fears to you today. Fill me with faith, hope, and love. Today, I choose to trust you and hope again. Thank you, Lord! Amen.

The Aisle of Uncertainty

2009-12-31T10:30:00.001-06:00

Devotion 11:
"To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products and to my right, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed. I wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? It is possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes? I chose to purchase both products. As the cashier handed me my bag with both products tucked inside, I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or lament. Is it possible to feel opposite emotions at the same time? Yes.
I think of Jochebed, the mother of Moses, who hid her infant in a floating basket to save him from the king's death sentence. I can only imagine the tug of war between her fear and faith. As she placed him in the basket and closed the lid, did she shed tears of sorrow or relief? As he floated on the river among the reeds, she must have experienced moments of dread sprinkled with hope."

I am on the verge of waiting in the aisle of uncertainty, I am about to be in limbo of two outcomes. On one side I let myself enjoy moments of hope and dream of what ifs. But on the other side I am bracing for the news that I have gotten too many times. Bracing for loss...does that show lack of faith or am I just letting my mind and body consider every possibility? I am scared but also excited.....my emotions are everywhere! My muddle overcomes me some days. When will God fulfill my desires for a child? I want to go into this next cycle relaxed and positive, but how do I do that with the past history we have had? I am doing acupuncture and just ordered a meditation cd to listen to, but feel that the knot in my stomach won’t go away.

What will 2010 hold for us? How will we start off this New Year? I want to start it full of hope and faith! I am trying to work towards letting go of this battle going on in my head!!!

Longing for a Child:Devotion 1

2009-12-10T15:01:00.000-06:00

Longing: A strong, persistent desire or craving for something unattainable or distant.

All my longing lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalm 38:9

The author compares infertility to riding a motorcycle on The Imperial Dunes. The Imperial Dunes extend for more than forty miles in southern California, southwestern Arizona and into Mexico. Mountain size mounds of sand range from two to six miles in width, with crest rising two to three hundred feet above the surrounding landscape. The seemingly endless sandscape is beautiful, thrilling, eerie, treacherous.

At times this ride is exhilarating. At other times, exasperating. Nearing each crest, I wondered what lay waiting for me on the other side. I experienced a repeated cycle of fear and dread followed by accomplishment and hope. Fueled by my desire, I was able to keep going, no matter how endless and treacherous the terrain seemed. Though at times I wanted to turn back, I continued. Looking up I could always find someone at the top of the crest who had climbed the mountain I was facing, waving me on.

Look up! Just when you think you can’t make it, you may see someone standing at the top of the mountain cheering you on.

Right now I am at the base of one dune with another to face. Jesus is there encouraging me to keep taking one step in front of the other.

Longing for a Child...

2009-12-09T08:11:00.000-06:00

I order this book titled Longing.for.a.Child through Focus.on.the.Family and I am getting so much comfort and encouragement out of it, so I thought I would share my nightly devotion with you. This book is helping to encourage me as I seek truth and information about infertility. I only wish I would have found this at the beginning. Maybe it will help someone else out, like it is helping me.

Introduction:
You can picture a lush, green landscape of what your family should look like. Although you water your desire with faith, hope, and prayer, your backyard remains barren. Will a child ever grow there? As time passes, you may become discouraged as you wait for the seed of your longing to sprout. When will my seed of faith and hope God planted in my heart finally blossom into a child?

Winter is a season of surrender and rest. It may also be a time to regroup and allow God to restore you and prepare you for a spring of a different kind than you imagined. (Wow speaking straight to my heart…especially as we have been going through a waiting period and getting some answers while in this waiting period).

Imagine your heavenly Father wrapping his loving arms around you. Experience his presence and truth. He understands your longing and he will meet you where you are and help you grow. He will be with you through every season of your journey and will help you bloom wherever you are planted. May God meet you in the garden of your life and reveal to you hidden beauty from your experience. My prayer is that God will do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine in your life and through your longing for a child, according to his power within you.

Acupuncture

2009-12-02T14:09:00.000-06:00

Let me just say that I am loving acupuncture! I also love my doctor that I am going to, she is amazing!!!

So the procedure:

I go in change into a gown (very cold in the winter, they need a little space heater in the room...my only gripe). She then comes in and puts 13 needles total into my body. One in each ankle, one in each outer shin area, one in each wrist, three across my chest, and four around my lower abdomen. After she puts the needles in, she leaves, I listen to the ocean and lay there for 10 minutes and relax! She then comes back in and takes the needles out and I am finished!!!

Positive affects:

The first time I could feel the warming in my body and felt very relaxed (kind of heavy feeling). After the second time I went I slept 13 hours straight that night, so I am pretty sure my insomnia is getting better!!! The night after my acupuncture appointment I can tell a huge difference in the way I sleep.

Titanium vs. Gold:

The first two times she used Titanium needles and after the second time I noticed my acupuncture points where a little red the day after. It was not a rash just the spots where she put the needles where a little red. I mentioned this to her and she said that they had a girl in the past that was allergic to the Titanium. They had to order Gold needles for her. So this past time she used the Gold needles to see if there was a difference. When putting them in she said that they felt different and asked me if they felt different to me. She then looked and the Gold ones are a larger gauge than the Titanium ones. I guess I will see if I still get the red spots, I might go back to the Titanium. Anyone that has done acupuncture before….did your acupuncture spots get a little red the day after?

While some may be skeptical of Traditional Chinese Medicine, I can tell a difference in the way I feel and just hope for the best this next go round. I am for sure enjoying the relaxation and better sleep this is bringing me!

Time limit?!?!?!

2009-11-25T11:22:00.001-06:00

I just went to see my family doctor because I woke up with a very bad sore throat. I wanted to get in to get some medicine so that it doesn't get worse over the Holidays. Let me just state that I really don't like my family doctor but just keep going to him since it is a hassle to change doctors. He has made several comments in the past about our infertility that have rubbed me the wrong way and again today he said something else! He told me that we should put a time limit on infertility treatments and let’s say if 1 year rolls around and nothing then we should move to adoption. Who is he to tell me when to quit infertility treatments? I told him that we still have embryos and we are going to use our embryos and if the time comes that we run out and we are still not pregnant...we will then look at our options and decide at that point what we are going to do. I am not going to put a time limit on infertility because infertility treatments take time. Whose to say that we won’t still have embryos in one year…I am not going to just abandon those embryos…they are mine and I want them implanted in me!!!! Sorry just had to vent a little! Any opinions on what I should do….keep going to the jerk (sorry that is how I feel about him right now) or change????

I have my second acupuncture appointment this afternoon and will find out how much this is going to cost us! Will post about my acupuncture experience soon!

Oh yeah, my family doctor told me I should get the H1N1 vaccine and would give it to me! What to do?????? Now I have to make up my mind if I want to get it or not. I am going to call my IF doctor and see her opinion and just trust whatever she says.

Feels right somehow...

2009-11-20T11:18:00.002-06:00

We all have our plans for our lives. Most of us have sat down at some point and wrote down our 5 years…10 year…and so on…goals. I have done this more than once and my life. My life is not anything like I wrote down!!! Would I have ever wished my life to be the way it is right now? No and I don’t think anyone would wish to go through infertility and the ups and downs that go along with this. But am I happy? Am I right where I should be? Have I become a different person? Has God worked through these hard days? Yes, to all of these questions. I have grown through the pain, I have hope through the pain, I have a peace through the pain and I have been blessed through the pain!

I am learning to give up my plans, bit by bit! My very first post I stated some of my plans and that is just what they were MY plans. Would those plans have brought me joy…who knows but those plans were not Gods plans. Would I have cherished life the way I do now? Would I have taken for granted the very miracle of life? Would my marriage be where it is now? Daily I try to lay down my plans, but it is hard. I dream about what the future holds for us rather than living in the moment God has given me. Like the song says, today is the day he has made I need to rejoice and be glad in it!

Why would we be so stubborn to want to live our goals and plans? We are a selfish nation and the wave of have it your way has everyone thinking that they deserve something. This sickens me sometimes when I sit and think about what our nation is coming to. I am learning to give up my rights. The things I have are not mine and the life I live should not be selfish or stubborn. But we are all human and live in the World!

I am trying to live Gods’ will for my life. No matter what this life looks like, I know I will only be happy if I am living in his will. He knows what is best for me and will bring me happiness.

Here are a few lyrics from a song I heard:
This may not be the road I would choose for me, but it still feels right some how. I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now. So this is what it feels like to be lead!!!
This is what it feels like to be lead.

Really?!?!?!? This for sure is not the road I choose on those 5, 10, or 20 year plans, but in some strange way it feels right. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LEAD!!!

Hopeful once again!

2009-11-05T14:31:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was my post op appointment…
I was not anxious, I was not excited, I was just calm and ready to get whatever news she had for us. When we got there she did an exam and looked at my incision spots and everything looked great, except when I was bathing last night I noticed I have a stitch that hasn’t dissolved. I tugged on it a little but the knot is under my skin so I have to go in next Wednesday to get it cut out. Then we went over my surgery results. She did not have the pathology results, so I was a little upset about that but we will get those results next week sometime…hopefully! She said my uterus had a bunch of junk in it (lots of polyps)….the picture looked nasty of my uterus. She was able to clean all that up. She also removed endo scarring from both of my ovaries and also on the wall behind one of my ovaries. She said it was bad enough to remove and it will make me feel better now that it is out and cleaned up.

Then on to the plans…
She first asked us and made us decide how many we wanted to transfer when the time comes, 2 or 4?????? We both probably looked like a deer in the headlights because we had not really discussed this topic and really wanted her to tell us what she recommended. So 2 or 4???? To be honest 4 freaks me out, so I softly said…….ummm 2. Then off she went getting consents signed before we could really marinate on the whole thing. Before signing the consents I told them I really wanted to talk this over some more and make sure we are making the right decision. So in came the doctor again and she talked it through with us some more. 4 also freaks her out and she really didn’t want me to get pregnant with triplets (and lately she has had more triplet pregnancies than she likes). Okay I am comfortable with 2 and I might add they are the perfect little 2!!! They are 5AA, below is an explanation of what 5AA actually means.

Blastocyst development and stage status
1 Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2 Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3 Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4 Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5 Hatching out of the shell
6 Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade Inner cell mass quality
A Many cells, tightly packed
B Several cells, loosely grouped
C Very few cells

TE grade Trophectoderm quality
A Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C Very few large cells

So the next plan of action…
We got great news that she lowered the cost of the FET to half of the cost!!!! Great news for us, this made it so much easier cost wise for us. But the bad news is my meds are going to cost us a lot more, because of several reasons! She is adding a new drug to the regimen that is very expensive and we no longer will be able to purchase my meds from the same place as before. I am praying that this will all work out and we will some how be able to lower this cost somehow. The new drug is Lovenox and it is going to be very expensive for us (my insurance will not cover anything). Also I need some advice on giving these evil shots!!! Everything that I have read about these say they are horrible shots but I will endure, but will gladly take some advice!!!

Calendar…
I am going to try and start Acupuncture the end of this month and stay on my strict Fertility Diet. This is going to be a huge test with the Holidays coming up!!! Then at the first of the year everything will start!!! So this year I get to go through the holidays without bed rest and enjoy a relaxing holiday season!!!

***Anyone need a Gonal-F pen!!! I have one in my fridge that I will happily give to someone if they just pay the shipping!!!! (It expires 02/2010)***

Today

2009-11-04T10:47:00.000-06:00

Today I await the news from my surgery

Today I will get a plan

Today is the beginning of a new plan

Today I will get some answers

Today I am at peace

Today I am not nervous

Today I am not anxious

Today lots of people are praying for us

Today I feel those prayers and am ready for whatever we hear

Today I am ready!!!

2009-11-03T16:08:00.001-06:00

Finished Product

2009-10-30T08:45:00.002-05:00

I came across this story on one of the IF connection board, and love it! Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

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There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked “May we see that? We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, “You don’t understand. I have not always been a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, “Don’t do that.” “I don’t like it!” “Let me alone,” but he only smiled, and gently said; “Not yet!”

Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy!

“I’m going to be sick” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; ‘Not yet.’

He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then ….. then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. “Help! Get me out of here!”

I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, ‘Not yet’.

When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! “Ah, this is much better,” I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Oh, please,Stop it, Stop, I cried.

He only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’.

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering “What’s he going to do to me next?”

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said ‘Look at yourself.’ And I did. I said, “That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!”

Quietly he spoke: “I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.”

The moral of this story is this: God knows what He’s doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am still being pounded, spun around and put through the heat. I am not a finished product yet, but that is what I am striving for. I hope that throughout my life, into old age I will continue to grow and be painted into that finished product.

Healing

2009-10-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

Friday was a very long day for me and also the people that were with me. We got to the hospital at 11:00 registered/checked in. They called me back to get some blood work, which I was hoping an IV would get started at this time since I have blood sugar issues and it was now after lunch with no food, but no IV. More waiting and they finally called me back to get my IV started and more waiting. I believe this was at about 1:00 and my surgery wasn't supposed to be until 3:00 (which it was actually at 4:00), so I got to lie in the corner of Pre-op for 3 hours with nothing to do. Luckily our computers worked back there so my husband pulled up some TV shows and we watched that for a little while to pass the time, I did a Sudoku, talked with nurses and anesthesiologist, then my doctor showed up!!!! From this point everything went by very fast for me! My surgery took about 2 hours, which was a lot longer than everyone expected even my doctor. She removed a small amount of endo scarring from both of my ovaries, which she said was not that bad. She also removed some polyps in my uterus and she thinks this has been our problem with the embryos not implanting. GREAT NEWS to me!!! I prayed for some answers and I believe we got some. I go for my post-op appointment with my doctor next week and hopefully we will have an even more answers when we talk with her.

My recovery after the surgery has been a lot worse than I expected! When they were waking me up all I remember is shaking real bad and being very nauseous. I have never had any reaction to anesthesia like this except with my egg retrieval I remember I had the shaking. My mom told them to prick my finger to check my blood sugar to see if this is the cause of the nausea.

Funny Side Note Story: When I was younger and I would pitch a fit my mom would always prick my finger to check my blood sugar to see if my blood sugar was low or I was just pitching a fit. If I was just pitching a fit getting a needle stabbed in your finger was enough punishment!

So here I am in pain, shaking, and nauseous and they prick my finger and my blood sugar is fine! It is now around 8:00 I think, I really don't know what time it is because I am out of it, and we head home. Luckily I slept the whole way and the trip home was not too bad. The next day I am in pain, a lot more pain than I expected! My entire torso hurts, my insides hurt, and my incision spots hurt. But each day that went by I could tell a major change in the way I felt, thanks for all the prayers! I am now waiting in the moment for next Wednesday to come to get a little more information. I had a bad dream last night that my biopsy results came back bad and she would not do any more treatment on me. I am trying to let these thoughts go and know that whatever the results are, God will have me in his hands and bring me through whatever comes of this. I am just trying to wait with peace and live in the moment! It seems like no matter where you are in IF you are always going through a 2WW (2 week wait)!

Long awaited surgery!

2009-10-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

It is now time for the long awaited surgery! Back in July I scheduled this surgery and just 3 days before the surgery my insurance decided to decline approval. So we waited for the appeal process to go through which we were told it could take up to 60 days, but it never takes that long (is what I was told). Well, it took 60+ days and I finally found out that they decided to approve the surgery and pay for 75%. So I scheduled the surgery again and 3 months and 2 weeks later I can now say that I will be going into surgery tomorrow around 3:00 (or whatever time my doctor shows up). I will be having laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to check everything out and look for endo and scarring. I am still at peace with this surgery and ready for some answers as to why we are still where we are. I so badly want to carry a baby and feel the miracle of life growing inside of me! We are hoping we will get some kind of answers through this surgery.

During this waiting time Marcus and I have been able to take a few trips and enjoy each other. We recently just got back from South Carolina. We had a very relaxing 8 day vacation in Myrtle Beach and Charleston. We slept late, did whatever we wanted when we woke up, and pretty much decided on a moments notice what to do for the day. There were no adventurous or high impact activities planned for this vacation, which we were perfectly fine with taking each day as it came. The thought kept crossing my mind that when we have kids we will most likely never have this kind of vacation again. So I loved the one on one time I had with my husband and just having a very relaxing week with great conversation and leisure drives and of course great food!

When I get the time I will post some pictures from this recent trip along with some from our other trips that we have gone on. For time being this infertility blog has turned into a vacation blog but I know shortly it will soon turn back to infertility, since we don't have any more trips in the near future and also the long awaited surgery is here.

Four and a Half!!!!

2009-09-29T16:04:00.002-05:00

Vacation 4 1/2, that is!!!!

It all started with getting free Astros Tickets for Saturday, then we got free Texans tickets for Sunday, so my husband decided we would make a mini vacation out of this. We drove to Houston Saturday morning and went to the Museum District and went and saw the Tarra Cotta Warriors exhibit at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. It was a beautiful day!!!! We walked around the Museum District a little and also went to the Contemporary Arts Museum. Great way to start off our Mini Vacation!!! While walking around the Museum District we saw this car......

It is a car made to look like a Hippo!!! The eye winked at us and whistled!!! Very funny!

Then on to the Astros game. We had excellent seats; we both said this is the best seats we have ever sat in. The Astros lost but we still had a great time, enjoying this great gift!

The next day was on to Texans Football! I have never been to a professional football game so I was excited about this. Again we had great seats and parking pass to park close!

It is always great to get away together!!! I truly cherish these trips that we are taking and count them all as a huge blessing that we have been able to take them!

Now on to planning things to do while in South Carolina (Vacation #5)!!!!

She wears her heart on her side!

2009-09-18T14:55:00.001-05:00

(I KNOW....you don't know what to do.....two posts in one day!!!! This is one that I was going to post today and the one before this I just couldn't pass up posting about an answered prayer!!!!)

Zoe Jane

*Those of you that aren't animal people don't feel the need to read this post.*

There have been many people that have played a major role in my life while going through infertility. My husband is #1 on that list, but there is also a canine that has cheered me up when I am sad. She wears her heart on her ~~sleeve~~ side. Literally her fur makes a heart on her side but she also expresses her emotions freely and openly all the time! Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that and didn't hold in our emotions???

I will start off by telling you how we picked her. When were hiking at Enchanted Rock this guy walked past with this adorable dog and was just the right size for what we wanted.....so I went up to him and asked him what kind of dog it was and he told us a Brittany Spaniel. So when we got home we research that breed of dog and decided that we wanted one. She was more difficult to get than we expected because there were not any Brittany's in our area or even our state!!! We search online and found a breeder that we were comfortable with and agreed to fly her here. I excitingly picked her up at Hobby Airport and she was shaking and scared from the flight. We did see a picture of her online but........little did we know that she would have a special mark on her side that would bring a smile to my face.

It was perfect timing to get a dog because by the time we were going to start a family she would be out of her puppy stage (there was a lot that we didn't know at this time). Little did we know that our puppy would be 4 and we are still trying for our family and we also didn't know that our sweet little puppy would take awhile longer to mature than we thought. So here we are laughing every day at the things she does....and appreciating the blessing she has been in our lives!!! It just makes me smile when I see her heart on her side.

We just found out that we might be taking a mini vacation before our BIG vacation!!! I will call it vacation #4 1/2 since we already have vacation #5 planned. I will update when the details get firmed up. I am truly thankful for the unexpected blessings!!!!

Dancing with the BIGGEST smile on my face!

2009-09-18T11:35:00.000-05:00

I just got the call!!!! My surgery has been approved!!!! The 2 month wait was not as bad as I thought as I prayed for peace and patience......boy, did I get it!!!! Now we are one step closer to finding out some information. I now am praying to be able to handle whatever information comes out of this surgery....good or bad....I will still praise the ONE who has got me to this point!!!! Never thought that I would be soooo happy to have surgery but this is where we are. I know that God has his hand on this and will take care of us through it all!!!! Praising God today for the small things!!!!

On Monday I will set everything up and schedule the surgery so I will let you all know a date to be praying for!!!!

Still don't know what is going on?

2009-09-08T08:27:00.000-05:00

My headers and all my pictures keep getting removed or the files keep messing up. This has started happening ever since I put the Natchez slideshow up, so I am going to take that off for now and see if that fixes the problem.

Does it get easier, time after time?

2009-09-02T13:39:00.001-05:00

Our first IVF treatment was the culmination of many doctors visits and many months of waiting. The day finally came and I was, to say the least, overjoyed to be finally taking that step to achieve what we have been waiting on for so long! I took each shot with excitement that we were one day closer. We got excellent news with each appointment we went to. My body was reacting perfectly, everything was perfect! I was hopeful that after months of anticipation we were finally coming to that DAY! We were given ~~great~~ excellent odds of this working. Well, it doesn't always work. So just as fast as my hopes rose they were shattered in one phone call.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Before we knew it we were on to FET #1. Once again my body was reacting perfectly, everything was perfect! We were hopeful once again...given great odds. Again I was shattered. Our RE kept saying she doesn't understand why this is not working...everything is perfect, our embryos are perfect, my transfers go smoothly...this should work. But what she doesn't know is this was not our time. God has been sculpting me during these failed cycles and now during this waiting period. At times it is just a gentle nudge but other times I am brought to tears at the realization of how small I really am. We were made to worship Him....who am I to want things my way? Will our next cycle produce a pregnancy... I don't know.

Does it get easier, time after time?

I know a lot of people that go through cycle after cycle (many more than I have) and have made it a routine that they endure. They don't allow themselves to hope (deep down I am sure there is hope). I have not made it to that point to where this is all routine. I get my hopes up with every procedure and every cycle. I guess that is just where I am right now. I dream about announcing a pregnancy, carrying a baby, feeling a baby move inside of me, delivering a baby and raising a child. I know I should not put myself through these emotions, but before I know it I am there...dreaming.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Things happen. Things happen almost daily that remind me that I am going through infertility. If I would let them they would knock me one notch lower each time, but I choose to blow them off and move on. People choose to not talk to me because of infertility. People decide not to befriend me because of infertility. People say thoughtless comments to me because of infertility. I am hit over the head with what people say sometimes. This is just a glimpse at my life through infertility...I am not saying this for a pity party...this blog is about awareness and documenting our journey! I know there are no words that I could say to let someone in on the emotions that go along with infertility nor do I expect them to fully understand. I have come to appreciate my true friends, my caring family, and even the prefect strangers that have reached out to me, because of infertility.

Does it get easier, time after time?

So here we are still waiting, coming up on the 60 days that our insurance said they have to make a decision on my surgery. I am waiting...with anticipation...with hope...with peace...with comfort....and also with wonder. I know God has some amazing things in store for us...we just have to be patient and wait!

Don't know what happened?

2009-08-21T15:21:00.003-05:00

Update #2: As you can tell I am still playing around with headers and colors... I probably should just get someone else to design this for me but I am trying to save money and no extra expenses right now!

Update: Still working on my blog...not sure if I like the new change....I guess we will see.

Sorry for the ugly blog page....blogger has blocked out all of my pictures for some reason. I have fixed a few but my blog is still under construction. Please......still enjoy reading!

Vacation #4!

2009-08-19T15:36:00.026-05:00

Vacation #4 for the Summer = Girl's Weekend in Natchez, MS!

I had a great time in Natchez. This was my first time to go to Natchez and I loved seeing all the architecture and culture that was there.

It tested me on my Architectural History and I have to say that I failed. It is amazing what you can forget in just a few years if you never use it. But I digress...back on to the trip.

The Bed and Breakfast that we stayed at was great and we had an amazing breakfast each morning!!! I wish I had their recipes to cook at home because I love eating a big breakfast.

We did tour a cemetery the first day and I will have to say that it was interesting and amazing how old the graves were. Some people in our group enjoyed it a lot more than others and some were just fine viewing everything from inside the car.

We, of course, ate some really great food and would go back just to eat some of the dishes over again. If you haven't caught on by now...I love to eat great southern food????

Over all a GREAT trip and sad to say Vacation #4 is over.

If you don't follow me on Twitter then you probably don't know that we have planned Vacation #5!!!! Marcus and I are going to Myrtle Beach, SC. We are very excited to be able to take this trip and very grateful for some generous gifts to make this trip happen!!!!

Have I mentioned

2009-08-12T14:18:00.004-05:00

Have I mentioned that I am blessed? Despite having a crummy week at work and still fighting infertility, I still feel extremely blessed! I have an amazing husband, an amazing family, a good and flexible job, an amazing church family and an even more amazing and awesome God!!!

Sometimes it is just good to remind yourself of all the good things you have in your life!

This list could go on, but I need to get back to work since I am taking off on Friday!

Who I Am!

2009-08-06T11:52:00.029-05:00

I was listening to the radio on my way home from work yesterday and they asked the question, Who are we or to make it more personal, Who am I? Who are we other than just general information, like our name? What encompasses who we are? I think this is a hard question to answer and requires an unending amount of thought. Well, I am going to try and answer this question to give you a deeper look at...

Who I Am!

I am throw your head back and have a good laugh....as much as possible!!!!

I am a child of God!

A devoted wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend

I love spending time with family and friends

A lover of the arts...I love studying art, going to museums, creating art (even though it might not be any good), and seeing plays

Lover of music and dancing...just don't have rhythm and can't sing

Curly haired girl that spends hours straightening it

I have a degree in Interior Design, but I do not practice professionally

I work for family

Blog and tweet when having a slow day at work or just whenever something pops in my head

I love taking trips

Hate taking naps...almost always guaranteed to wake up in a bad mood

Needer of sleep...prefer 8 hours a night (I know this will change when a baby comes in the picture)

Love playing games

Love fashion and buying shoes

I love the outdoors...hiking, backpacking, picnicking, the beach, the woods...just being outside!

Former anal retentive person and have learned to let some things go...with the help of my husband

Played sports throughout High School...volleyball and softball

Love fixing up old homes and would love to flip homes for a living

Lover

Competitor

Independent

Strong willed

Passionate

Struggling, fighting, changing with Infertility

*Not a complete list but hopefully this will give you a better idea of Who I AM!

Where's my happy bubble?

2009-07-29T08:50:00.006-05:00

We still haven't heard anything back from our insurance company about my surgery coverage, so we still are waiting!!! I have been thinking about when we finally get to do the next transfer, (you know when our insurance finally gets back to us and I finally have the surgery and it is finally time for FET #2) if I will blog about it or tell people???? I have been going back and forth about what I want to do and my mind will probably not be made up until that time comes around again. Do I want to go through this next step with just Marcus and I (and prob our families since I work for family and will not be able to keep it from them) or blog and share like I always have? I am really on the fence about this? On some level this would give us more privacy and we would be able to share when we feel like it is time and on another y'all have been our support group throughout all of this and have been praying along with us. Who knows what I will do????

Today was going great and then all of a sudden I am hit with sadness. Unexpected sadness that I don't want to have but it is there. Why???? I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy! I live in a world that is coming at me constantly with all kinds of emotions. Why do I let these things get to me? This should make me happy but I am sad and want to cry. It seems like when I think I am doing great and all is well...that is when I am hit with the sadness. Sometimes I wish these things would just fade away and I could live in my little happy bubble, but I have to endure and enduring is what I am doing. Today I am asking, why am I still on this roller coaster? I am tired, nauseous and sad. I want to get off!!!! But I know for some reason it is not my time to get off! I have to keep riding, going up some days, then down other days and some days I feel like I am spinning out of control, but I am on the ride of infertility and enduring all the loopy loops in hope that one day I will get off of this ride. Sorry for such gloomy post but that is what I am feeling today...sadness.

Anything but Commonplace

2009-07-21T07:48:00.008-05:00

You there with the rounded belly;
Talking on your cell phone and dragging your toddler along behind you, his arm twisting, losing his step trying to keep up with you, while your attention is focused on your conversation, your plans, your business, your new pair of shoes.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

You there in the grocery store line;
Digging in your purse and writing your check while you scream at your child that you wish she were never born, slapping her haphazardly on her arm, her leg, her bottom while she reaches for packets of candy bars and mint flavored gum.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act that happens on accident, on purpose, and accidentally on purpose. There is not always thought, or consideration beforehand. Pregnancy may be a surprise, a shock, a regret. It may be a blessing, a plan, or a mistake. It is merely a state of being that a large number of women are in every minute of every day. It is. It simply is.

Maybe it was a one-night stand, a fling, a short-term relationship. Maybe it was an accident, a broken condom, or a forgotten pill. Maybe you didn’t want this, or maybe you made it happen. Many women spend a large portion of their lives trying to prevent pregnancy from occurring. It becomes a condition to be avoided, yet sometimes the plans are thwarted. It happens anyway.

Maybe you planned it this way. You met. You fell in love. You married. You bought a house with four bedrooms. You filled them quickly. There was no effort, no calculating, no saving. You feel blessed. You feel grateful. You have the family you always wanted. It happened. It happens to everyone. It’s easy. There is no fuss. These are dreams that come true. They do.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act. Whether it was planned or on accident, it simply is. It is a state of being. It is commonplace. It is normal. Egg and sperm find each other without needles and labs and pills and assistance. Ovulation is not inducted or detected. Intercourse is not timed or planned. Pregnancy without surgery—it happens.

And while I don’t expect every pregnant woman in the universe to twirl around in a circle of happiness and gratitude, spreading fertile joy to the world—I am mindful of the miracle. While pregnancy may be an ordinary, humdrum, everyday condition to some, it is not to me. My perspective is forever changed.

For a percentage of the population, pregnancy will never be commonplace. It will never be unplanned. It will never be no fuss, no muss. If it ever happens, it will be a carefully executed symphony of intention; a purposeful pre-arranged plot carried out over endless weeks. The mind shift this process creates will perpetually alter your point of view.

Please be mindful of your miracle. Miracles don’t happen every day; and they are anything but commonplace.

*Taken from Fertility Authority

How can I be here and not be moved?

2009-07-16T16:45:00.002-05:00

So I have started writing three different post and not finished them.......I don't really know why...don't think they are very interesting, I am not motivated....many different reasons. There are so many different things that I am involved with right now and many different issues that I am dealing with. God has me involved in many different areas that if I would have known the full extent of what it would encompass I probably would have gone another way. Maybe that is why God shows us just enough and will slowly reveal the full picture to us. This way we can look back on where we have come from. Like I said I probably would have shied away from certain situations and certain conversations, but some how God has moved me right in the center of these conversations and situations and I am trying to follow Colossians 3:12 in every aspect of my life. At home, at work, at church and just every day life I am trying to show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And boy is it hard at times!!! Emphasis trying....I am pretty sure I failed at a few of these while talking with A T&T rep earlier today for a very long time. I am still a work in progress. There are so many different things that I am dealing with, that even the closest people in my life don't even know the full extent of what these are. I am physically and emotional exhausted at times, but I know I am right where God wants me to be. I have to wonder why has God placed me in some of these areas, what does he see in me to be able to handle all of this, along with the emotional rollercoaster of infertility? On some level maybe God is putting all of this on my plate because there is no way that I could handle all of this on my own. I have realized that I can't do any of this with my strength! Only with Christ strength I am able to bear the load that is over me. He is my everything and bears the weight of my problems and guides me through each step along the way. I just want to make sure I am following Him and really trust that God can work through whatever situation or problem I am facing BIG or small!!! I have been able to be a part of some pretty amazing things and I want to continue to be moved and changed. I love the song Everything by Lifehouse: Find me here and speak to me, You are the light that's leading me, You are the strength that keeps me walking, You are the hope that keeps me trusting...How can I be here and not be moved!!!!

And waiting is what we will do!

2009-07-10T08:51:00.001-05:00

I am supposed to be having surgery today but the plans have changed! I said awhile back that we felt like we needed to take a break from everything and wait until we felt like it was time to move forward. I went ahead and scheduled my surgery for what I felt like was when I needed to have it. Well, today is not when I was suppose to have surgery and we will now wait some more.

Awhile back when I found out that I was going to have to have surgery I went ahead and checked with my insurance on coverage and they ~~happily~~ had no problems with coverage. They said they would cover 75% of the surgery and so we went on with scheduling. Well, a week ago (a week before the surgery) we got a letter in the mail from our insurance denying coverage for my surgery! So then we went into the appeal process...a week before the surgery! My doctor wrote a letter appealing their denial. On Wednesday I got the news that the insurance company has 60 days to process the appeal and they were in no hurry to process my appeal. I canceled my surgery and my pre-op appointment and we will wait some more.

While we have been waiting we have been blessed in sooooo many ways!!!! Time has flown by since my last failed FET in January. It was in February that we decided that we were going to put everything on hold and WAIT. Wait for what, we did not know, but we both felt a strong urge to just WAIT. Like my header says, we are waiting eagerly for our little miracle. We can't wait until that day comes but right now we HAVE to wait! While we have been waiting we have been taking a lot of trips and have more to come (2 as of right now and will gladly take more)! One blessing while we have been waiting is I have gotten a raise which makes paying loans, bills, notes and everything else a lot easier. We have had the money to be able to take a weekend away and stay in a nice hotel and eat at a very expensive restaurant and just be with each other. I have also had the opportunity to be able to take a week long vacation with my mom and sister and just relax. The weekend after I got back from Alabama Marcus and I went on another trip to Lake Conroe for 4 days and had a great time there relaxing some more and spending time with family. We have now been given a week long trip to anywhere we want to go; we just have to figure out where it is that we want to go????? We will have to pay for a few things including a flight (if we pick somewhere that will require a flight). We just need to decide where we want to go. We have thrown around going to South Carolina, Georgia, and a few other places. Anyone have any suggestions???? I would have never thought that we would have been able to take so many trips while also paying for infertility treatments but we have been blessed. I will continue to thank God for the many blessings that have been poured out on us because I truly can't believe the many blessing that we have received and am very thankful!

By my postponed surgery God is telling us, not now, just wait some more! So waiting is what we will do. We will not break down and let this ruin our lives, we will keep going and loving and praising God for who he is! Surprisingly this detour in our plans has not upset me; I know that it will happen at some point in time. I want to be open to whatever God is doing in my life and let God continue to work on me and mold me. I am here and I am waiting and I am loving the many blessing that are being poured out on my life while we wait!!!!

Quick Update:

2009-07-06T18:24:00.005-05:00

I don't have much time to go in to detail about some things that are going on right now so a quick update will have to do:

1) Tomorrow and Wednesday I am having a garage sale with my mom, sister and grandmother so we have been trying to get ready for that. Hopefully I will make some money to go towards infertility cost, but I probably won't make hardly anything. So if anyone is interested let me know I will let you know where we will be.

2) I am having surgery on Friday!!! A surgery that as of right now my insurance is denying coverage and yes this is after they already approved the surgery. INSURANCE.....uuuhhhgggg!!!! I will try and tweet and maybe blog from my phone to keep everyone updated on how everything goes.

That's all for now!!!!!!

A Southern Kind of Life

2009-06-26T09:47:00.002-05:00

I LOVE being a SOUTHERN!!! I love the history, the architecture, the culture, the food, and I even love the heat and humidity (well maybe not the humidity but I can live with it)!!! I know some people think I am crazy but I love the SUN!!! I know I shouldn't love the sun with such a high risk of getting skin cancer but I can't get enough of it. Maybe my body is telling me I need the Vitamin D???? Yesterday we hit a new record and hit 102 and are on that same path today. This really makes me feel sorry for the guys working outdoors.

My recent vacation is what made me realize how much I truly love being a southern!!! I went to Alabama for a girl’s trip with my mom and sister. We all had a great time going from one spa treatment to another (best facial I have ever gotten), from one bike ride to another and from sitting by the pool to sitting on the beach!!!!! There, that is a summary of our week long vacation and if you follow me on Twitter then you already know that. We really loved the resort we were at and the relaxing days that we had.

On our vacation we swapped between either mornings or afternoons riding bikes through massive, very old trees that make you just get lost in the their winding branches.

Each tree was intriguing with some of their branches curving down and touching the ground with moss all over them. I don't think I will ever get tired of seeing them!

I really enjoyed riding bikes every day and makes me want to buy bikes for us to ride on around here (to bad we don't have such great scenery). One route that we took hugged the coast; so on one side was the ocean...

...and the other was gorgeous southern plantation homes (mansions).

The other route we took was on the golf course (with permission to do so), and we got lost and couldn't find our way back to the resort. Marcus asked me if we paid attention to what hole we started on and all we knew is we came in by some tennis courts. I guess we were enjoying ourselves too much to pay attention to a detail like that????

The food was exceptionally good!!! I love seafood and was in the perfect location to get some really good seafood!!! Some people with me had never heard of grits being served other than for breakfast, but everywhere we went they had grits and shrimp or grits and some other seafood on top. We never tried this but always sounded interesting to me. I true southern combination! I am a Southern girl and no matter where I live I will always have that Southern culture within me, because I love A Southern Kind of Life*.

(* A Southern Kind of Life...song sung by Kasey Chambers)

****Now on to trip #3 for the Summer, we are leaving for Lake Conroe tonight!!! (We are also trying to plan one more BIG trip for after I have surgery)****

I am sooo grateful to the many blessing God is pouring down on us during this waiting time...it brings me to tears!!!! (We try and post more on this at a later date)

No Stitches for Me!!!!

2009-06-09T11:40:00.004-05:00

I went yesterday for my 6 month check up at the dermatologist. There has not been an appointment yet that I have not had to get something removed to check out. But it finally happened...she did not remove anything!!!! There are several spots that she marked and we will keep a close eye on, but nothing removed!!!! Can you tell that I am ecstatic???? I am going to Galveston for an over night trip on Friday with my husband and then leaving Sunday for a girls trip to Gulf Shores and really did not want to have to mess with stitches. Soooo I can now just enjoy my trips without the worry of not getting stitched wet and having to remove them myself on vacation. Woooohooo for no stitches!!!!!

My Love:

2009-06-05T07:30:00.003-05:00

Today is our 5th Anniversary!!!!

Wow, the things we have gone through in the little 5 years we have been married. In some ways I would love to change the past two+ years, but in other ways it has made me a better person and my marriage stronger!!!

My husband:

is my best friend

makes me laugh

dreams with me

is my favorite person to spend a lazy day with

loves to cook and is good at it

is a late night eater

is strong willed

loves the outdoors

loves me more than I could have ever imagined

is my strength

makes a bad day disappear with just a hug

Will one day make an EXCELLANT FATHER!!!

I love this man for who he is and for who he makes me strive to be!

Our marriage has endured the hardships of infertility and rather than breaking us apart it has strengthen our marriage more than we could've ever imagined!

Look what I found!!!!

2009-05-29T08:55:00.002-05:00

(Make sure you pause the music below so you can tell how loud it is)

A JINGLE BELL!!!!

I will try anything once!!!

2009-05-27T11:37:00.009-05:00

Squash Blossoms!!!!!

My friend Jennifer over at LIFE gave me some squash blossoms to try out. I think everyone else was too chicken to try them after I told her they could be eaten. I guess I am known for not being too picky about food and willing to try anything once. I will take this as a compliment!!! So she gave me 5 little blossoms and I was excited to try them out (really, I was really excited)!!! I researched about squash blossoms online since I have never actually eaten one. I found a recipe online that sounded pretty good to me but changed it up a little to suit our taste. Below is the recipe I cooked (sorry there are no measurements).

Squash Blossoms:

They need to be handled gently but still okay if you happen to tear one. To clean them, reach into the well of the flower and pinch out the stem in the middle, then rinse thoroughly, to wash away any bugs and dirt. Drain flowers or pat with a paper towel. Use the blossoms right away or, you can save them in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.

Once clean make cheese stuffing.

I used cream cheese, fresh chives, garlic powder and salt and pepper.

Mix quantities to your taste.

Then carefully stuff the blossoms with a small amount of the filling and twist tops closed.

Break an egg and beat it a bit with a fork.

In another bowl, add some flour and season with salt and pepper.

Dip blossom into egg then flour.

Fry lightly in olive oil until golden.

Enjoy, I know we did!!!!!

(They kind of look like chicken wings, but they are really squash blossoms)

So now everyone go out and pick their squash blossoms and Bon Appetit!!!

Incurable Optimist

2009-05-26T15:38:00.007-05:00

Am I an incurable optimist?
Does happiness spread optimism?
Is optimism contagious?
Are people born being either optimistic or pessimistic?

Just think about the above questions and ponder what your answer would be?

These are all question I have asked myself after watching Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" this is one of the most famous phrases in the Declaration of Independence. I would assume that most people pursue happiness on a daily bases. Every individual strives for happiness!!!

Can optimism be taught?

Michael J. Fox states “if you can do everything, there is no reason for hope, there is something in the hope, it is even more powerful than realization whatever the hope is for.”

I would say that I am an optimist, or would like to think that I am an optimist. I think most women going through infertility treatments are optimist. Whether they where born optimistic or became one for a short time during infertility, we are all optimist. It is funny how with every month that goes by and every treatment we go through most of us stay optimistic and know that one day we will have a child. And through this we allow ourselves to HOPE and through that hope optimism breeds.

“For everything that has been taken, something with greater value has been given.” Michael J. Fox

I know for a fact that if pregnancy would have come easy for me, then I would not be the person I am today. There is something in the pain and sadness and HOPE that has made me a better person. I am closer to GOD and put all my hope in Him. I am closer to my husband and have a deeper love for him than I could ever have imagined. I am also closer with my friends. I have learned that the above has molded me into a different person, a better person! Am I optimistic…I would like to think that I am an incurable optimist.

Incurable Optimist:
are open to alternative in the face of adversity
they deal with reality head on
their hope flourishes in groups
optimism resonates when people are doing what they love

and that happiness is contagious!!!!

A girl's night does a girl good!!!

2009-05-21T09:40:00.006-05:00

A girl’s night does a girl good!!! Have I mentioned that I have an amazing group of friends???? Well, I do and they always know how to pick me up from a bad day and just the right things to say. Last week we all decided to get together and hang out. After several stops we finally found a place that would be open long enough for us to hang out at. On a side note why does a coffee shop close at 8:30 on a week day???? Anyway we had a great time catching up with each other and had many laughs! A girl’s night does a girl good!!!! All of us are going through many different problems of our own but it is nice to have one night to where you can leave all that at home and laugh! We have also scheduled to have another girl’s night this week and I hope that we can continue on with this and make it a tradition. I think this is something that we all need!!! No matter what we are all going through, we all need to take a break and enjoy the people in our lives. So everyone go ahead and schedule your girl’s night out!!! A girl’s night does a girl good!!!

141 of 365
(I have realized that I have been bad about posting my day of grace)
1) Girls Night Out Tomorrow!
2) Long weekend to hopefully get some relaxation in
3) Eating healthier makes you feel better
4) Money that God has provided us with to be able to afford the things that we need
5) Wonderful, relaxing Sunday night at home with my husband (If you follow me on twitter you know what we did) This was a great start to the week!!!!

Unexpected Flower

2009-05-11T16:13:00.003-05:00

I knew Sunday was going to be a little difficult for me, but I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I thought I could make it through the day without tears, I thought I could make it through the day with happiness. This was supposed to be a day to celebrate our mothers, not a day for me to be sad. It was hard for me to see mothers glowing with happiness celebrating their day, it was hard for me to hear about the wonderful things their children got them for Mother’s day or how husband honored their wives for being wonderful mothers. It was harder than expected! A lot harder than I expected!!!

I got up and got dressed for Sunday school, everything going great, just another Sunday going to church. Then it hit me, our Sunday school lesson was on Hannah. I knew it was going to be hard as soon as our teacher said we were going to study Hannah.

Those of you that don’t know Hannah’s story, here is a very brief summary. Hannah could not have children because the Lord had closed her womb (she was struggling with infertility). All of Hannah’s thoughts centered on being childless and she could not find any comfort because of this. She endured great ridicule because of her inability to have any children. She continually sought the Lord to remove this and give her a child. One day Hannah made a vow to God. If God would give her a son she would give him back to God all the days of his life. After she made this vow Hannah conceived a son and she followed through with her vow. She went on to praise the Lord through an amazing prayer (1 Samuel 2:1-10). And I thought last Sunday was hard!

Our teacher kept asking if anyone has ever been in this kind of situation. “Has anyone ever wanted something this bad and kept asking for it. How did you handle this type of situation?????” I could feel the tears coming, but I held them back. I really just wanted to disappear right then, right there. There was no way that I could have spoken up and said anything at all without crying my eyes out. But what I wanted to say was YES, that is me, I know exactly how Hannah felt and what she was going through. Lord, please answer my prayer for a child! Lord please open my womb and make it perfect to carry a baby! Lord if it is your will, I am ready! How am I handling this???? I am taking one day at a time, trying to follow Gods will for my life. Do I have bad days? Yep, and unexpectedly Sunday was one of those days.

I went on to church; I had regained my composure and was feeling pretty good. They were giving flowers out to all the mothers and I wished this was a day that I could celebrate with my own child. I could feel the tears coming, but once again I held them back. This was supposed to be a happy day, celebrating our mothers! Then a very loving and caring friend asked how I was doing (knowing the Sunday school lesson I just went through) and I could feel the tears coming, but once again I held them back. The service was over and I made it through it without crying!!!! After church, another loving and caring friend came up to give me her flower and said that I deserved it more than she did. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I could not hold it in any longer. I fell apart in her arms. There was only so much I could hold back and that was my breaking point. I regained my composure, and went on with the busy Mother’s day plans that we had.

I had started this day not expecting to feel the feelings that I felt. I expected to have a great day going to church and spending with family. I never expected to fall apart in church. This was supposed to be a happy day, not a day full of pain and tears. After I got my good crying out I was fine the rest of the day and was able to enjoy the time spent with family.

Okay God, I am listening!

2009-05-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

This post has been sitting in my edit post folder and I have just now had the time to finish it.

I have finally called to schedule my exploratory surgery. I was very worried that our insurance would not cover any of this surgery since being diagnosed with infertility. You see, they cover testing but nothing after the diagnosis has been made. So I called to see how much this surgery was going to cost us...to see what would be added to our infertility debt. Another problem was going to be the hospital that I have to have it done at. I was pretty sure both locations that my RE does this at would be out-of-network. Our insurance is pretty different than others because we are connected to a particular hospital and we have to use only that hospital (the one my husband works at). So I made the call that I kept putting off. She said that she would have to make some calls and get back to me on all the details.........

She finally called me back a day and a half later...........

Our insurance will cover 75% of the surgery and my doctor agreed to do the surgery at an in-network hospital, just for us!!!!! (Not really, just for us, she does some procedures at this hospital just not exactly the one that I need to have). This was a huge relief and answered prayer. I went ahead and bit the bullet (not really sure what that expression means) and scheduled my surgery....it will be on July 10th. She was already booked until the first of June and the month of June is kind of crazy for me and I didn't want to have to done on the 4th of July weekend. Sooooo July 10th is the date!!!! It will be a laparoscopy surgery to check my endo (if I have it or not) and then check my blood supply to my uterus and take a biopsy while in there. There are some other things that she is going to check out but I can't remember everything. I am not sure if I want her to find anything or not??? I guess whatever she finds or doesn't find will be Gods will and I will accept that and move on in whatever direction is needed.

This past Sunday God was trying to tell me something... I am just not sure what it was???? So the morning started out going to Sunday School and when we walk in there is a lady visiting that is eight months pregnant, so of course the pregnancy talk went on and I was fine. Then I go to church and a lady walks in with a 3 month old baby and sits right in front of me. I can't see this stuff without my mind imagining that being myself pregnant or myself with a new born baby. So I gather my composure and get through church. Later that evening we go to Coffee House at our church and a couple that has maybe been married a month announces that they are pregnant!!! Ok God what are you trying to tell me????? Are you just seeing how I am going to handle these situations, no, you already know how I will react. So I get through my Sunday full of pregnancies, babies and announcements and go to work on Monday and I am greeted by the lady up here counting down the days until her daughter is due (only 25 more days if anyone wants to know). Please just continue to pray for my endurance through this waiting period. Most days I am great and at peace waiting, but the days that it seems to come at me from every direction are hard.

Fear of Jumping?

2009-04-28T14:59:00.007-05:00

For some reason I have not had much to post about lately??? Sorry to the ~~stalkers~~ friends that check every day and there is nothing new to read. Ummm so what am I going to post about???? On the Interior Design side of things...I am going to try out a new paint technique on a piece of free furniture that I have. I just have to set aside some time to do this. Free time....not much of that around these days?!?!?!? I will take before and after pictures and post them as soon as I get around to actually doing it. This will be something that I have never tried before so I am curious how it will turn out?????

I guess it is time for another pondering, lost in thoughts, reflecting post. IF has woken me up to so many things. My life before IF just scratched the surface on so many issues. This was far from what God desired from me. What did my life reflect? What does my life reflect now? I now have the confidence to let it all go and let God handle all of IT!!!! One night at Imprint (Thursday night young adult worship time at our church) the main point of the night was: “Is my confidence in my Father stronger than my fear of jumping??????” I can now say, YES!!!!
“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”
Psalm 34:17-19
I knew what I believed, but I wasn’t living what I believed outwardly. I now wake up every morning craving to be in a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father, craving to worship Him. I have been through deep sadness. I have been through major storms of life. I have been through the pain that disappointments of this world bring on. But I have also discovered Hope. I have discovered a deeper faith. I have learned that I no longer fear jumping in the arms of the One that is guiding me. I don’t know what else this journey holds, but I do know that it has changed my life in a huge way. Before IF I was a very persnickety person…there is a place for everything and everything in its place!!!!! I have realized that there are so many more important things in life than cleaning my floors every afternoon and making sure my house is prefect. I have let that go! I truly cherish the family and friends that I have in my life and would much rather spend more time with my husband, than cleaning the house. My priorities have changed!

We were suppose to be going on a 4 day trip at the end of May and I was soooo looking forward to being able to getaway (have I mentioned that I need a getaway). Well, that is probably going to be cancelled because the lady I work with, daughter, is due at the end of May and she has let me know that she is going to be taking off of work for quite awhile at the end of May and beginning of June. So a baby (that is not mine) is ruining my long weekend getaway! Also at the first of June is our 5th anniversary and I really wanted to do something special and take a trip, but that will probably not happen either. I am kind of sad because of this but I guess I can’t help it. On another subject, how do you answer the question, “so when are you going to have kids????” Can I just say that when someone asks this I get a pain in the pit of my stomach.

Something to think about: Do we truly have FAITH that GOD can perform MIRACLES? I DO!!!!

118 of 365
1) My husband was brought home safely Friday night in a huge lightening storm...he was flying in the air..in a plane of course
2) We were able to have a very relaxing day on Saturday, just spending time together
3) Beautiful roses that I got from my grandparents yard...I have a bouquet in every room (even the bathroom)
4) A relaxing week after a very hectic week last week
5) The many calls we have gotten on the jet ski, on the first day we put it out for sale!!! By the way we have a jet ski for sale if anyone is interested????

earth day

2009-04-22T14:30:00.012-05:00

Find out your ecological footprint, click here .

Since today is Earth Day, there has been many television shows about green living and green design. I don't know why but I find all of this very interesting. Since I graduated with an Interior Design degree I have been very interested in green design. There was a show on last night about a guy that lives in the desert and does not have A/C in his house, and I found this to be amazing all the different design features he had in his house. This all makes me realize how little I do, especially by my footprint results. So check your footprint out and see what we can do to minimize this.

Update:

Since I am failing on posting my 365 Days of Grace every day, I am going to just try and do it per post:

112 of 365

1) Beautiful day that I can just admire the Earth that God made

2) Busy week (no time to get lonely home alone)

3) The hope of a future with kids

4) Time I was able to go out with my sister and mom to eat Mexican (I could eat Mexican for every meal)

5) My flowers are still alive that I planted in my new flower bed (I have a brown thumb)

Flying a Kite

2009-04-15T13:57:00.004-05:00

As I was driving back to work from getting lunch, I passed by a local school where they were outside flying kites. It was a beautiful sight...kites everywhere. It brought me back to the days I was going to that very school and flying my kite (it is some project that they must do every year, you build a kite then go outside to fly it). Oh, how things were uncomplicated and everything seemed perfect in my world back in those days. I had a great childhood and many happy memories from my childhood. Don't get me wrong I love my life now, but for some reason when you are an adult you are no longer sheltered from the bad in the world, no longer naive to the things going on around you. Today is such a beautiful day and I wish I was outside flying a kite. I love our Southeast Texas weather! I love being outside and the feeling of the sun hitting my skin (I really don't care how hot it is). Sunlight makes me happy!!!!

Award!

2009-04-09T10:00:00.004-05:00

An award!!

Jennifer at LIFE gave me this award. Thanks for the award!!!!

Here Are The Rules:

1. Link Back to the person who gave you the award.
2. List 7 Things you LOVE!
3. Link to 7 Blogs and let them know you have an Award Waiting for them on your blog!

Seven (random and silly) things I love ... not counting family and friends because y'all know I love them:

1) I love coffee (which is decaf now days)

2) I love reality shows on Bravo…Project Runway, Top Model, or whatever is on

3) I love doing Yoga…except I have been on a hiatus lately

4) I love design and changing up rooms in my house (except when I have to do without a toilet for 4 days)

5) I love being outside, doing things outside…it does not matter what it is, I just love being outside!!!!

6) I love the beach…which kind of goes with #5 (it is just so relaxing)

7) I love art, architecture, & photography!!!!

Now I give this to 7 other people....hmmm.....
1. Everything Changes
2. Come Sit a Spell
3. One ADornable Family
4. Empty Vessel
5. Keepin a close watch on this heart of mine
6. My Heart's Testing
7. The Yellow Room

It's Finished!!!!

2009-04-08T11:33:00.006-05:00

Finally the finished bathroom!!!!! Let me know what you think?

Before:

After:

I am so happy with how it turned out. It is a very soothing bathroom, just like what I wanted to to turn out like!

098 of 365

1) The Cross
2) The bathroom is finished
3) 10 hours of continuous sleep I got last night
4) I made it through my prep (Thursday) and procedure (Friday)

5) Crawfish I get to eat on Sunday

Surgery

2009-04-02T08:59:00.004-05:00

Our week has been so busy I have had to type everything up into a schedule to keep it all straight. It is Thursday and it is not letting up.

All that is left in the bathroom now is hanging the lights, changing a switch out and touch up paint. I can see the end now!!!!! Hopefully I will be able to post pictures on Monday of the finished project.

Yesterday I had a follow up appointment with my RE to talk about my blood work results and to discuss surgery. Our appointment was at 4:00 and quickly realized that we were going to be waiting for a long time. By 5:00 it was us and another couple waiting, so we asked them what time their appointment was...3:30?!?!?!? She started the day off an hour and a half late!!!! She comes from Webster to Beaumont every Wednesday. Her first appointment in Beaumont was at 10:00 and she did not leave Webster until 9:45! I got called back around 5:30 and was out of there around 6:00. All of my blood work came back normal, even my CA-125 (cancer/endo marker). She still wants to do the surgery; I guess it is more exploratory now but still looking for endo, but also checking uterine lining, blood supply to the uterus and also taking a biopsy while in there. I am prob going to schedule this sometime this summer. We want to take a trip this summer also, so I am going to try and schedule around that.

Today I am on a liquid diet, because I am having a procedure done tomorrow morning....at 5:30am! Hypoglycemia and only liquids don't go good together! I started off this morning hungry and went down from there (headache, weak, dizzy, nauseous) until I decided to drink some chicken broth around 8:00am. I am feeling a little better now, but I think I am going to have to just continue drinking the chicken broth. I think chicken broth and hot tea are going to sustain me for the day. It is funny when you can't eat...all you think about is food! Please pray that they don't find anything tomorrow and that I make it through today!

092 of 365
1) Chicken broth
2) Hot Tea
3) The hope of being able to take a small trip with my husband
4) Sleeping soundly and not waking up every 30 minutes
5) Caring RE and great staff

Am I Calloused?

2009-03-31T10:18:00.005-05:00

I knew infertility had affected me in many ways, but what I didn’t realize was that it affected a lot more people than just Marcus and I. Have I inadvertently made everyone around me calloused to pregnancy related things? Have I made my family and closest friends emotionally hard because of my suffering? I am going to be totally truthful here…that is why I have a blog anyway. It makes me sad when I hear pregnancy news, because it just reminds me that I am not pregnant and have yearned for a child for two and half years now. You don’t realize how much you really want something until you have to truly work for it and wait for it. Of course my first response is happy for whoever it is, but there is still sadness.

Another thing that I have learned through infertility is that people start ignoring you and leaving you out of pregnancy/ baby news. It will still hurt talking about it, but I think it hurts more being left out. I am speaking from my emotional state as of 11:25 on Wednesday and this might very well change by 11:45, but hey I have the right to change my emotional state from minute to minute, hour by hour, and day by day. But overall I want to know and not be left out like I don’t exist, because that hurts more.

For some reason I have been very emotional lately. Can I still blame it on the hormones???? Because I think my hormones are still all messed up!!!! On Sunday I had someone come up to me (this person doesn’t know anything about what we have been going through) and said that this past week she had a strong urge to be praying for us and wanted to know if everything was okay with us???? WOW, I am just awe struck on how God works through people. I was able to tell her that we have been struggling with infertility and she was also amazed and will continue to pray for us. God is working through our momentary struggles, I just have to make sure my eyes are open to see everything that he is doing in this storm.

091 of 365
1) Mirror in the bathroom
2) Working toilet!!!!!
3) One on one time I get with my husband
4) Gods' Whispers of Hope
5) Close loving FAMILY

089

2009-03-30T15:21:00.005-05:00

This weekend we tiled the bathroom, which meant that we did not have a usable toilet in our house on Saturday, Sunday or Monday (I am hoping that the toilet gets put back in tonight). We also could not get to our bathtub, so we would have to go to Marcus' parents house to bath and use the bathroom. NO, I would not go in a bucket or outside, but this might have come in handy (not really...that kind of grosses me out for some reason).

This week is going to be a crazy week for us. We have several things to do and appointments every day this week. I wrote down everything that we have to get done this week and it is kind of overwhelming. I guess I will just take one day at a time and try and accomplish everything that I need for that day.

089 of 365
1) Amazing husband that helps me with my projects that I come up with
2) The tiling is finished in the bathroom
3) The help we had on Saturday teaching us how to lay the tile
4) Amazing church family
5) Secure and flexible job

086 of 365

2009-03-27T11:18:00.002-05:00

1) Awesome friends
2) Napoleon heart from Rao's that I ate in bed at 11:00pm last night
3) Fridays!!!!
4) Finishing painting in the bathroom
5) Loving family/friends that are willing to help us out with the bathroom renovations

Twitter and 085

2009-03-26T12:11:00.006-05:00

I have decided to jump onto the twitter craze!!!! I am still trying to figure everything out, but I think I am going to like it! I would love to have more people to follow, so you all need to join in with me!

085 of 365
1. I now have all of the lighting for the bathroom
2. Relaxing day at work (I am actually setting up my twitter account)
3. The nice hard rain that we had last night....it washed both of our cars for us!!!!
4. Getting $500.00 back from the hospital saying that you have overpaid a bill and then realizing that you forgot to write a deposit down in the checkbook....we have more money in the checking than I thought.
5. Sunshine after the rain!!!!

Grace in small things

2009-03-25T12:22:00.004-05:00

This was originally created by schmutzie. I have no idea who she is or anything about her but I think this is a great idea. I am going to try and do this for the next 281 days or at least for the majority of the next 281 days!

What?
Schmutzie created Grace in Small Things as a daily reminder to take notice of the positive things we tend to overlook.

Why?
Grace in Small Things exists because we are choosing not to allow the noisiness of life to rob us of the time and energy to be mindful of ourselves and those we love and to recognize the grace that exists in small things.

Who?
Grace in Small Things is for YOU, because you deserve it.

When?
Grace in Small Things is a challenge for every day, because there's no time like the present, tomorrow never comes, and some other cliche about seizing the day. Oh, right: carpe diem.

Where?
Here!

How?
Grace in Small Things can be observed on your network weblog here, on your personal weblog elsewhere, in a notebook, or in smoke on the wind. The original challenge is to list five positive things every day, but we are a flexible lot, and since this is about finding joy, you should do it any which way that makes the most sense to you. There is a growing list of how-to articles to help get you started on the website.

084 of 365
1. Leftover Lemon Artichoke sauce with wheat pasta for lunch, yum, yum!
2. The time I was able to spend with my grandparents playing games and eating pizza
3. The bathroom is almost finished (I just found out that we are going to have some expert help on Saturday with tiling)
4. Hazelnut Decaf coffee
5. It's Wednesday and I get to go to church tonight

Bathroom Redo!

2009-03-23T15:47:00.001-05:00

The bathroom redo got bumped up even faster than we expected!!! I will start with the early wake-up call we got at 4:00 am earlier in the month. We where awaken by a very loud sound under our house followed by a continuous rushing/roaring sound. It took us awhile to figure out what it was, but as soon as we went outside and saw steam coming from under our house, we realized that we had a water line bust under our house. Well about an hour later we got the water turned off and tried to go back to bed. The next morning we called the plumber to come out and repair the line thinking that this would be no big deal. Well, when he came out he realized that it was a water line that was going to the vanity and he would have to tear out the vanity and the wall behind the vanity to repair the line. At that moment we realized that this is the prefect time to jump start the bathroom project that I have been talking about. We really were trying to hold off for at least another month or two, but I guess God has his own plans and this way I am able to do a lot of the work since we are taking a break from treatments. That night we torn out the vanity and ripped up the flooring. We also needed to have the vanity at the house the next morning for the plumber to install. We ran to the two hardware stores that we have in our area and decided on one we found at Lowe's. That next weekend I tore out wallpaper (the upper part of the wall was paitned over wallpaper). It took me the entire weekend to tear out the wallpaper and prepare the walls. I was very excited when I found out that the wall was finished behind the wallpaper, so I didn't have to put wallpaper back up!!!! Oh how I wished I would have tried to tear out the wallpaper before now.

Before:

After:

You thought you would see the finished bathroom, but we aren't quite finished with it yet. This has been a longer process than we expected!

Coming soon, we are hopefully installing the tile floors this weekend!

Storms of Life

2009-03-17T10:00:00.007-05:00

Is faith, is growth going to be real in my life? All of a sudden I was put in a place where all I had read, studied & believed was put to a test. I ~~was~~ am in a storm. It was sudden, unexpected, and stressful. It all started with the word cancer and went onto the word infertility. We don't like the storms of life but God has a plan and in his plan he will work to grow us.

I have been reading through Mark and when I came to Mark 4:35-41, Jesus Calms the Storm; I got so much more out of it than when I have read it in the past.

Jesus put them in the middle of the storm to see how they would react, to see if they had faith. Following Jesus will put me in uncomfortable places to grow me. I don't need to blame God for the storms of life, I need to ask him how he can grow me in the storm and give me hope to see that there is an end. Jesus also cares for me in the midst of the storm. He hears my anxiety and responds to it. He has the power to make a difference. He might not take me out of this storm when I want him to or as I want him to, but he always makes a difference. He has given me the power of hope. I know my fear is what has kept me from releasing everything to him and giving him total control. I have to let go of my fear daily and give him total control. I have to let go of my plan for my life and jump into the life God has for me. God does have an amazing plan for my life! I don't want to ever lose my sense of awe of who Jesus is and what he can do in my life. Only Jesus can grow my character through a problem and give me hope in the darkest of days. Only He can do that! In Mark the disciples said "Who is this?", they were in awe of Jesus. I don't want to ever get familiar with that, I always want to have that sense of awe. That awe is a deep part of my growth in my every day life. My prayer is to allow God to grow me step by step, day by day.

I love the lyrics in "By Your Side" from the band Tenth Avenue North. I just added it to my playlist, so you are probably listening to it right now.

"Cause I'll be by your side, whenever you fall,

in the dead of night, whenever you call,

please don't fight these hands that are holding you,

my hands are holding you."

The basic message is you are not alone, love is here, open your heart and accept it. I don't want to fight the hands that are holding me. Those hands are strong hands, loving hands, hands full of mercy, grace and of hope.