Sharing in their Joy!

Today I was able to share in their joy...
Birth Announcements, Baby Showers, Births....all usually hard for an IF person!
Our really good friends had their baby today! I know from reading other IF blogs that this is hard for most to be able to do. But today I was able to share in their JOY! Probably a year ago I would not have been able to do this day without tears, but today I was actually happy and giddy that our friends had their baby! Maybe it is where we are in this process...with this up coming cycle I am full of hope...happy and giddy about this cycle. Maybe it is because they are like family to us. I can't wait to see them again and hold the baby! I am not even going to think about them leaving us!?!?! Yes, they are going to move, whenever God places them in a church, they will leave us. Until then I will have to soak up all I can get. I mean how can I not want to be around a new born baby...that is what we have been trying for, for over 3 years! Congratulations to the Tucker family on their new addition!

Couldn't have said it any better!

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan? Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know." ~Anon.

Hoping & Bracing

Hoping: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.


Bracing: to summon up one's courage; to tighten, clasp, strengthen, or fortify.

These were the topics in the past two sections in my devotional Longing For a Child. The exact emotions I am going through right now. I am hoping that this next cycle with have positive results but I am also bracing to be curled up in a ball bawling my eyes out with a negative. I know I need to stay positive and I can say that the past few days the negative thoughts are tucked way back in my mind. I know I have been quiet on here and not doing very many updates. I am dealing with a flood of emotions and am trying to get my head on straight.

My times are in your hands. (Psalm 31:15a)


Lord, I feel as if hope is my enemy. My past disappointments and my future fears are stealing my joy. The battle within my soul rages on. Help me, Lord! Help me see that you are the joy that gives me strength-strength to celebrate a small, or large, victory. You are my Hope. I surrender my disappointments and fears to you today. Fill me with faith, hope, and love. Today, I choose to trust you and hope again. Thank you, Lord! Amen.

The Aisle of Uncertainty

Devotion 11:
"To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products and to my right, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed. I wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? It is possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes? I chose to purchase both products. As the cashier handed me my bag with both products tucked inside, I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or lament. Is it possible to feel opposite emotions at the same time? Yes.
I think of Jochebed, the mother of Moses, who hid her infant in a floating basket to save him from the king's death sentence. I can only imagine the tug of war between her fear and faith. As she placed him in the basket and closed the lid, did she shed tears of sorrow or relief? As he floated on the river among the reeds, she must have experienced moments of dread sprinkled with hope."

 I am on the verge of waiting in the aisle of uncertainty, I am about to be in limbo of two outcomes. On one side I let myself enjoy moments of hope and dream of what ifs. But on the other side I am bracing for the news that I have gotten too many times. Bracing for loss...does that show lack of faith or am I just letting my mind and body consider every possibility? I am scared but also excited.....my emotions are everywhere! My muddle overcomes me some days. When will God fulfill my desires for a child? I want to go into this next cycle relaxed and positive, but how do I do that with the past history we have had? I am doing acupuncture and just ordered a meditation cd to listen to, but feel that the knot in my stomach won’t go away.

What will 2010 hold for us? How will we start off this New Year? I want to start it full of hope and faith! I am trying to work towards letting go of this battle going on in my head!!!

Longing for a Child:Devotion 1

Longing: A strong, persistent desire or craving for something unattainable or distant.

All my longing lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalm 38:9

The author compares infertility to riding a motorcycle on The Imperial Dunes. The Imperial Dunes extend for more than forty miles in southern California, southwestern Arizona and into Mexico. Mountain size mounds of sand range from two to six miles in width, with crest rising two to three hundred feet above the surrounding landscape. The seemingly endless sandscape is beautiful, thrilling, eerie, treacherous.

At times this ride is exhilarating. At other times, exasperating. Nearing each crest, I wondered what lay waiting for me on the other side. I experienced a repeated cycle of fear and dread followed by accomplishment and hope. Fueled by my desire, I was able to keep going, no matter how endless and treacherous the terrain seemed. Though at times I wanted to turn back, I continued. Looking up I could always find someone at the top of the crest who had climbed the mountain I was facing, waving me on.

Look up! Just when you think you can’t make it, you may see someone standing at the top of the mountain cheering you on.

Right now I am at the base of one dune with another to face. Jesus is there encouraging me to keep taking one step in front of the other.

Longing for a Child...

I order this book titled Longing.for.a.Child through Focus.on.the.Family and I am getting so much comfort and encouragement out of it, so I thought I would share my nightly devotion with you. This book is helping to encourage me as I seek truth and information about infertility. I only wish I would have found this at the beginning. Maybe it will help someone else out, like it is helping me.

Introduction:
You can picture a lush, green landscape of what your family should look like. Although you water your desire with faith, hope, and prayer, your backyard remains barren. Will a child ever grow there? As time passes, you may become discouraged as you wait for the seed of your longing to sprout. When will my seed of faith and hope God planted in my heart finally blossom into a child?

Winter is a season of surrender and rest. It may also be a time to regroup and allow God to restore you and prepare you for a spring of a different kind than you imagined. (Wow speaking straight to my heart…especially as we have been going through a waiting period and getting some answers while in this waiting period).

Imagine your heavenly Father wrapping his loving arms around you. Experience his presence and truth. He understands your longing and he will meet you where you are and help you grow. He will be with you through every season of your journey and will help you bloom wherever you are planted. May God meet you in the garden of your life and reveal to you hidden beauty from your experience. My prayer is that God will do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine in your life and through your longing for a child, according to his power within you.