Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Time limit?!?!?!

I just went to see my family doctor because I woke up with a very bad sore throat. I wanted to get in to get some medicine so that it doesn't get worse over the Holidays. Let me just state that I really don't like my family doctor but just keep going to him since it is a hassle to change doctors. He has made several comments in the past about our infertility that have rubbed me the wrong way and again today he said something else! He told me that we should put a time limit on infertility treatments and let’s say if 1 year rolls around and nothing then we should move to adoption. Who is he to tell me when to quit infertility treatments? I told him that we still have embryos and we are going to use our embryos and if the time comes that we run out and we are still not pregnant...we will then look at our options and decide at that point what we are going to do. I am not going to put a time limit on infertility because infertility treatments take time. Whose to say that we won’t still have embryos in one year…I am not going to just abandon those embryos…they are mine and I want them implanted in me!!!! Sorry just had to vent a little! Any opinions on what I should do….keep going to the jerk (sorry that is how I feel about him right now) or change????

I have my second acupuncture appointment this afternoon and will find out how much this is going to cost us! Will post about my acupuncture experience soon!

Oh yeah, my family doctor told me I should get the H1N1 vaccine and would give it to me! What to do?????? Now I have to make up my mind if I want to get it or not. I am going to call my IF doctor and see her opinion and just trust whatever she says.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Feels right somehow...

We all have our plans for our lives. Most of us have sat down at some point and wrote down our 5 years…10 year…and so on…goals. I have done this more than once and my life. My life is not anything like I wrote down!!! Would I have ever wished my life to be the way it is right now? No and I don’t think anyone would wish to go through infertility and the ups and downs that go along with this. But am I happy? Am I right where I should be? Have I become a different person? Has God worked through these hard days? Yes, to all of these questions. I have grown through the pain, I have hope through the pain, I have a peace through the pain and I have been blessed through the pain!

I am learning to give up my plans, bit by bit! My very first post I stated some of my plans and that is just what they were MY plans. Would those plans have brought me joy…who knows but those plans were not Gods plans. Would I have cherished life the way I do now? Would I have taken for granted the very miracle of life? Would my marriage be where it is now? Daily I try to lay down my plans, but it is hard. I dream about what the future holds for us rather than living in the moment God has given me. Like the song says, today is the day he has made I need to rejoice and be glad in it!

Why would we be so stubborn to want to live our goals and plans? We are a selfish nation and the wave of have it your way has everyone thinking that they deserve something. This sickens me sometimes when I sit and think about what our nation is coming to. I am learning to give up my rights. The things I have are not mine and the life I live should not be selfish or stubborn. But we are all human and live in the World!

I am trying to live Gods’ will for my life. No matter what this life looks like, I know I will only be happy if I am living in his will. He knows what is best for me and will bring me happiness.

Here are a few lyrics from a song I heard:
This may not be the road I would choose for me, but it still feels right some how. I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now. So this is what it feels like to be lead!!!
This is what it feels like to be lead.

Really?!?!?!? This for sure is not the road I choose on those 5, 10, or 20 year plans, but in some strange way it feels right. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LEAD!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hopeful once again!

Yesterday was my post op appointment…
I was not anxious, I was not excited, I was just calm and ready to get whatever news she had for us. When we got there she did an exam and looked at my incision spots and everything looked great, except when I was bathing last night I noticed I have a stitch that hasn’t dissolved. I tugged on it a little but the knot is under my skin so I have to go in next Wednesday to get it cut out. Then we went over my surgery results. She did not have the pathology results, so I was a little upset about that but we will get those results next week sometime…hopefully! She said my uterus had a bunch of junk in it (lots of polyps)….the picture looked nasty of my uterus. She was able to clean all that up. She also removed endo scarring from both of my ovaries and also on the wall behind one of my ovaries. She said it was bad enough to remove and it will make me feel better now that it is out and cleaned up.

Then on to the plans…
She first asked us and made us decide how many we wanted to transfer when the time comes, 2 or 4?????? We both probably looked like a deer in the headlights because we had not really discussed this topic and really wanted her to tell us what she recommended. So 2 or 4???? To be honest 4 freaks me out, so I softly said…….ummm 2. Then off she went getting consents signed before we could really marinate on the whole thing. Before signing the consents I told them I really wanted to talk this over some more and make sure we are making the right decision. So in came the doctor again and she talked it through with us some more. 4 also freaks her out and she really didn’t want me to get pregnant with triplets (and lately she has had more triplet pregnancies than she likes). Okay I am comfortable with 2 and I might add they are the perfect little 2!!! They are 5AA, below is an explanation of what 5AA actually means.

Blastocyst development and stage status
1 Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2 Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3 Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4 Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5 Hatching out of the shell
6 Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade Inner cell mass quality
A Many cells, tightly packed
B Several cells, loosely grouped
C Very few cells

TE grade Trophectoderm quality
A Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C Very few large cells

So the next plan of action…
We got great news that she lowered the cost of the FET to half of the cost!!!! Great news for us, this made it so much easier cost wise for us. But the bad news is my meds are going to cost us a lot more, because of several reasons! She is adding a new drug to the regimen that is very expensive and we no longer will be able to purchase my meds from the same place as before. I am praying that this will all work out and we will some how be able to lower this cost somehow. The new drug is Lovenox and it is going to be very expensive for us (my insurance will not cover anything). Also I need some advice on giving these evil shots!!! Everything that I have read about these say they are horrible shots but I will endure, but will gladly take some advice!!!

I am going to try and start Acupuncture the end of this month and stay on my strict Fertility Diet. This is going to be a huge test with the Holidays coming up!!! Then at the first of the year everything will start!!! So this year I get to go through the holidays without bed rest and enjoy a relaxing holiday season!!!

***Anyone need a Gonal-F pen!!! I have one in my fridge that I will happily give to someone if they just pay the shipping!!!! (It expires 02/2010)***

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Today I await the news from my surgery

Today I will get a plan

Today is the beginning of a new plan

Today I will get some answers

Today I am at peace

Today I am not nervous

Today I am not anxious

Today lots of people are praying for us

Today I feel those prayers and am ready for whatever we hear

Today I am ready!!!