Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Where's my happy bubble?

We still haven't heard anything back from our insurance company about my surgery coverage, so we still are waiting!!! I have been thinking about when we finally get to do the next transfer, (you know when our insurance finally gets back to us and I finally have the surgery and it is finally time for FET #2) if I will blog about it or tell people???? I have been going back and forth about what I want to do and my mind will probably not be made up until that time comes around again. Do I want to go through this next step with just Marcus and I (and prob our families since I work for family and will not be able to keep it from them) or blog and share like I always have? I am really on the fence about this? On some level this would give us more privacy and we would be able to share when we feel like it is time and on another y'all have been our support group throughout all of this and have been praying along with us. Who knows what I will do????

Today was going great and then all of a sudden I am hit with sadness. Unexpected sadness that I don't want to have but it is there. Why???? I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy! I live in a world that is coming at me constantly with all kinds of emotions. Why do I let these things get to me? This should make me happy but I am sad and want to cry. It seems like when I think I am doing great and all is well...that is when I am hit with the sadness. Sometimes I wish these things would just fade away and I could live in my little happy bubble, but I have to endure and enduring is what I am doing. Today I am asking, why am I still on this roller coaster? I am tired, nauseous and sad. I want to get off!!!! But I know for some reason it is not my time to get off! I have to keep riding, going up some days, then down other days and some days I feel like I am spinning out of control, but I am on the ride of infertility and enduring all the loopy loops in hope that one day I will get off of this ride. Sorry for such gloomy post but that is what I am feeling today...sadness.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Anything but Commonplace

You there with the rounded belly;
Talking on your cell phone and dragging your toddler along behind you, his arm twisting, losing his step trying to keep up with you, while your attention is focused on your conversation, your plans, your business, your new pair of shoes.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

You there in the grocery store line;
Digging in your purse and writing your check while you scream at your child that you wish she were never born, slapping her haphazardly on her arm, her leg, her bottom while she reaches for packets of candy bars and mint flavored gum.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act that happens on accident, on purpose, and accidentally on purpose. There is not always thought, or consideration beforehand. Pregnancy may be a surprise, a shock, a regret. It may be a blessing, a plan, or a mistake. It is merely a state of being that a large number of women are in every minute of every day. It is. It simply is.

Maybe it was a one-night stand, a fling, a short-term relationship. Maybe it was an accident, a broken condom, or a forgotten pill. Maybe you didn’t want this, or maybe you made it happen. Many women spend a large portion of their lives trying to prevent pregnancy from occurring. It becomes a condition to be avoided, yet sometimes the plans are thwarted. It happens anyway.

Maybe you planned it this way. You met. You fell in love. You married. You bought a house with four bedrooms. You filled them quickly. There was no effort, no calculating, no saving. You feel blessed. You feel grateful. You have the family you always wanted. It happened. It happens to everyone. It’s easy. There is no fuss. These are dreams that come true. They do.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act. Whether it was planned or on accident, it simply is. It is a state of being. It is commonplace. It is normal. Egg and sperm find each other without needles and labs and pills and assistance. Ovulation is not inducted or detected. Intercourse is not timed or planned. Pregnancy without surgery—it happens.

And while I don’t expect every pregnant woman in the universe to twirl around in a circle of happiness and gratitude, spreading fertile joy to the world—I am mindful of the miracle. While pregnancy may be an ordinary, humdrum, everyday condition to some, it is not to me. My perspective is forever changed.

For a percentage of the population, pregnancy will never be commonplace. It will never be unplanned. It will never be no fuss, no muss. If it ever happens, it will be a carefully executed symphony of intention; a purposeful pre-arranged plot carried out over endless weeks. The mind shift this process creates will perpetually alter your point of view.

Please be mindful of your miracle. Miracles don’t happen every day; and they are anything but commonplace.

*Taken from Fertility Authority

Thursday, July 16, 2009

How can I be here and not be moved?

So I have started writing three different post and not finished them.......I don't really know why...don't think they are very interesting, I am not motivated....many different reasons. There are so many different things that I am involved with right now and many different issues that I am dealing with. God has me involved in many different areas that if I would have known the full extent of what it would encompass I probably would have gone another way. Maybe that is why God shows us just enough and will slowly reveal the full picture to us. This way we can look back on where we have come from. Like I said I probably would have shied away from certain situations and certain conversations, but some how God has moved me right in the center of these conversations and situations and I am trying to follow Colossians 3:12 in every aspect of my life. At home, at work, at church and just every day life I am trying to show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And boy is it hard at times!!! Emphasis trying....I am pretty sure I failed at a few of these while talking with A T&T rep earlier today for a very long time. I am still a work in progress. There are so many different things that I am dealing with, that even the closest people in my life don't even know the full extent of what these are. I am physically and emotional exhausted at times, but I know I am right where God wants me to be. I have to wonder why has God placed me in some of these areas, what does he see in me to be able to handle all of this, along with the emotional rollercoaster of infertility? On some level maybe God is putting all of this on my plate because there is no way that I could handle all of this on my own. I have realized that I can't do any of this with my strength! Only with Christ strength I am able to bear the load that is over me. He is my everything and bears the weight of my problems and guides me through each step along the way. I just want to make sure I am following Him and really trust that God can work through whatever situation or problem I am facing BIG or small!!! I have been able to be a part of some pretty amazing things and I want to continue to be moved and changed. I love the song Everything by Lifehouse: Find me here and speak to me, You are the light that's leading me, You are the strength that keeps me walking, You are the hope that keeps me trusting...How can I be here and not be moved!!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

And waiting is what we will do!

I am supposed to be having surgery today but the plans have changed! I said awhile back that we felt like we needed to take a break from everything and wait until we felt like it was time to move forward. I went ahead and scheduled my surgery for what I felt like was when I needed to have it. Well, today is not when I was suppose to have surgery and we will now wait some more.

Awhile back when I found out that I was going to have to have surgery I went ahead and checked with my insurance on coverage and they happily had no problems with coverage. They said they would cover 75% of the surgery and so we went on with scheduling. Well, a week ago (a week before the surgery) we got a letter in the mail from our insurance denying coverage for my surgery! So then we went into the appeal process...a week before the surgery! My doctor wrote a letter appealing their denial. On Wednesday I got the news that the insurance company has 60 days to process the appeal and they were in no hurry to process my appeal. I canceled my surgery and my pre-op appointment and we will wait some more.

While we have been waiting we have been blessed in sooooo many ways!!!! Time has flown by since my last failed FET in January. It was in February that we decided that we were going to put everything on hold and WAIT. Wait for what, we did not know, but we both felt a strong urge to just WAIT. Like my header says, we are waiting eagerly for our little miracle. We can't wait until that day comes but right now we HAVE to wait! While we have been waiting we have been taking a lot of trips and have more to come (2 as of right now and will gladly take more)! One blessing while we have been waiting is I have gotten a raise which makes paying loans, bills, notes and everything else a lot easier. We have had the money to be able to take a weekend away and stay in a nice hotel and eat at a very expensive restaurant and just be with each other. I have also had the opportunity to be able to take a week long vacation with my mom and sister and just relax. The weekend after I got back from Alabama Marcus and I went on another trip to Lake Conroe for 4 days and had a great time there relaxing some more and spending time with family. We have now been given a week long trip to anywhere we want to go; we just have to figure out where it is that we want to go????? We will have to pay for a few things including a flight (if we pick somewhere that will require a flight). We just need to decide where we want to go. We have thrown around going to South Carolina, Georgia, and a few other places. Anyone have any suggestions???? I would have never thought that we would have been able to take so many trips while also paying for infertility treatments but we have been blessed. I will continue to thank God for the many blessings that have been poured out on us because I truly can't believe the many blessing that we have received and am very thankful!

By my postponed surgery God is telling us, not now, just wait some more! So waiting is what we will do. We will not break down and let this ruin our lives, we will keep going and loving and praising God for who he is! Surprisingly this detour in our plans has not upset me; I know that it will happen at some point in time. I want to be open to whatever God is doing in my life and let God continue to work on me and mold me. I am here and I am waiting and I am loving the many blessing that are being poured out on my life while we wait!!!!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Quick Update:

I don't have much time to go in to detail about some things that are going on right now so a quick update will have to do:

1) Tomorrow and Wednesday I am having a garage sale with my mom, sister and grandmother so we have been trying to get ready for that. Hopefully I will make some money to go towards infertility cost, but I probably won't make hardly anything. So if anyone is interested let me know I will let you know where we will be.

2) I am having surgery on Friday!!! A surgery that as of right now my insurance is denying coverage and yes this is after they already approved the surgery. INSURANCE.....uuuhhhgggg!!!! I will try and tweet and maybe blog from my phone to keep everyone updated on how everything goes.

That's all for now!!!!!!