Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Aisle of Uncertainty

Devotion 11:
"To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products and to my right, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed. I wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? It is possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes? I chose to purchase both products. As the cashier handed me my bag with both products tucked inside, I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or lament. Is it possible to feel opposite emotions at the same time? Yes.
I think of Jochebed, the mother of Moses, who hid her infant in a floating basket to save him from the king's death sentence. I can only imagine the tug of war between her fear and faith. As she placed him in the basket and closed the lid, did she shed tears of sorrow or relief? As he floated on the river among the reeds, she must have experienced moments of dread sprinkled with hope."

 I am on the verge of waiting in the aisle of uncertainty, I am about to be in limbo of two outcomes. On one side I let myself enjoy moments of hope and dream of what ifs. But on the other side I am bracing for the news that I have gotten too many times. Bracing for loss...does that show lack of faith or am I just letting my mind and body consider every possibility? I am scared but also emotions are everywhere! My muddle overcomes me some days. When will God fulfill my desires for a child? I want to go into this next cycle relaxed and positive, but how do I do that with the past history we have had? I am doing acupuncture and just ordered a meditation cd to listen to, but feel that the knot in my stomach won’t go away.

What will 2010 hold for us? How will we start off this New Year? I want to start it full of hope and faith! I am trying to work towards letting go of this battle going on in my head!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Longing for a Child:Devotion 1

Longing: A strong, persistent desire or craving for something unattainable or distant.

All my longing lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalm 38:9

The author compares infertility to riding a motorcycle on The Imperial Dunes. The Imperial Dunes extend for more than forty miles in southern California, southwestern Arizona and into Mexico. Mountain size mounds of sand range from two to six miles in width, with crest rising two to three hundred feet above the surrounding landscape. The seemingly endless sandscape is beautiful, thrilling, eerie, treacherous.

At times this ride is exhilarating. At other times, exasperating. Nearing each crest, I wondered what lay waiting for me on the other side. I experienced a repeated cycle of fear and dread followed by accomplishment and hope. Fueled by my desire, I was able to keep going, no matter how endless and treacherous the terrain seemed. Though at times I wanted to turn back, I continued. Looking up I could always find someone at the top of the crest who had climbed the mountain I was facing, waving me on.

Look up! Just when you think you can’t make it, you may see someone standing at the top of the mountain cheering you on.

Right now I am at the base of one dune with another to face. Jesus is there encouraging me to keep taking one step in front of the other.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Longing for a Child...

I order this book titled Longing.for.a.Child through Focus.on.the.Family and I am getting so much comfort and encouragement out of it, so I thought I would share my nightly devotion with you. This book is helping to encourage me as I seek truth and information about infertility. I only wish I would have found this at the beginning. Maybe it will help someone else out, like it is helping me.

You can picture a lush, green landscape of what your family should look like. Although you water your desire with faith, hope, and prayer, your backyard remains barren. Will a child ever grow there? As time passes, you may become discouraged as you wait for the seed of your longing to sprout. When will my seed of faith and hope God planted in my heart finally blossom into a child?

Winter is a season of surrender and rest. It may also be a time to regroup and allow God to restore you and prepare you for a spring of a different kind than you imagined. (Wow speaking straight to my heart…especially as we have been going through a waiting period and getting some answers while in this waiting period).

Imagine your heavenly Father wrapping his loving arms around you. Experience his presence and truth. He understands your longing and he will meet you where you are and help you grow. He will be with you through every season of your journey and will help you bloom wherever you are planted. May God meet you in the garden of your life and reveal to you hidden beauty from your experience. My prayer is that God will do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine in your life and through your longing for a child, according to his power within you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Let me just say that I am loving acupuncture! I also love my doctor that I am going to, she is amazing!!!

So the procedure:
I go in change into a gown (very cold in the winter, they need a little space heater in the only gripe). She then comes in and puts 13 needles total into my body. One in each ankle, one in each outer shin area, one in each wrist, three across my chest, and four around my lower abdomen. After she puts the needles in, she leaves, I listen to the ocean and lay there for 10 minutes and relax! She then comes back in and takes the needles out and I am finished!!!

Positive affects:
The first time I could feel the warming in my body and felt very relaxed (kind of heavy feeling). After the second time I went I slept 13 hours straight that night, so I am pretty sure my insomnia is getting better!!! The night after my acupuncture appointment I can tell a huge difference in the way I sleep.

Titanium vs. Gold:
The first two times she used Titanium needles and after the second time I noticed my acupuncture points where a little red the day after. It was not a rash just the spots where she put the needles where a little red. I mentioned this to her and she said that they had a girl in the past that was allergic to the Titanium. They had to order Gold needles for her. So this past time she used the Gold needles to see if there was a difference. When putting them in she said that they felt different and asked me if they felt different to me. She then looked and the Gold ones are a larger gauge than the Titanium ones. I guess I will see if I still get the red spots, I might go back to the Titanium. Anyone that has done acupuncture before….did your acupuncture spots get a little red the day after?

While some may be skeptical of Traditional Chinese Medicine, I can tell a difference in the way I feel and just hope for the best this next go round. I am for sure enjoying the relaxation and better sleep this is bringing me!