Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Aisle of Uncertainty

Devotion 11:
"To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products and to my right, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed. I wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? It is possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes? I chose to purchase both products. As the cashier handed me my bag with both products tucked inside, I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or lament. Is it possible to feel opposite emotions at the same time? Yes.
I think of Jochebed, the mother of Moses, who hid her infant in a floating basket to save him from the king's death sentence. I can only imagine the tug of war between her fear and faith. As she placed him in the basket and closed the lid, did she shed tears of sorrow or relief? As he floated on the river among the reeds, she must have experienced moments of dread sprinkled with hope."

 I am on the verge of waiting in the aisle of uncertainty, I am about to be in limbo of two outcomes. On one side I let myself enjoy moments of hope and dream of what ifs. But on the other side I am bracing for the news that I have gotten too many times. Bracing for loss...does that show lack of faith or am I just letting my mind and body consider every possibility? I am scared but also emotions are everywhere! My muddle overcomes me some days. When will God fulfill my desires for a child? I want to go into this next cycle relaxed and positive, but how do I do that with the past history we have had? I am doing acupuncture and just ordered a meditation cd to listen to, but feel that the knot in my stomach won’t go away.

What will 2010 hold for us? How will we start off this New Year? I want to start it full of hope and faith! I am trying to work towards letting go of this battle going on in my head!!!


Hollie said...

Good to hear from you. I pray this year brings you a child. It's natural to brace for bad news. Just your mind's way of protecting yourself. But try to stay positive.

Linda said...

I apologize that I'm just catching up with you now.

I used to live in Myrtle Beach. My dad was in the Air Force and that's where he retired. But now my family has moved to where I'm at, so it's all good! I'd like to go back there one day though.

Ugh. Your family doctor sounds a lot like most of the normal, fertile people that I know. I'm sure they mean well, but they are totally clueless. So whenever I felt like I want to go ballistic on them, I scream silently in my head and just keep smiling. I found it easier than having to explain why we kept on trying.

I'm glad that your surgery went well. I get extremely nauseous from anesthesia, but the anesthesiologist tries to prevent that by giving me Zofran first. It did help a little, but anything was better than the extreme nausea. When is your FET scheduled?