Bigger and trying to enjoying life while singing

Why does infertility treatments make you gain weight? I will chalk it all up to the meds, flax oil, and the fact that they where monitoring my weight very closely this time around. But since that cycle ended I have been eating healthy, but not really trying to lose the weight since I will have to put it back on for the next cycle. The problem is my pants don’t fit me and since we are tying to save money I feel bad about going out and spending money on clothes. Maybe I can catch a good sale on jeans somewhere???? On a positive note my boobs are bigger, except that some of my bras are uncomfortable.

Please just pray for me. My fridge is covered in baby shower invites and baby announcement. I just want to be able to attend these showers without any ounce of bitterness, resentment and to truly be happy for them. I can be doing great and then all of a sudden something creeps up on me and I don’t know where it came from. This is one of the many struggles that I have had to deal with going through 2 failed cycles. I wish it was me sitting in that chair big and pregnant, but hopefully I will get my turn, so in the meantime I have to be happy for others.

So what do you do when you decide to take a break from IF treatments? Play catch up with everything that you have put off because you can't do it while undergoing IF treatments.
1. We are trying to narrow down all the supplies that we need for our bathroom redo and hopefully we will be able to start on that soon.
2. Do things around the house that I have not been able to do in awhile
3. Scheduled dermatologist appointment (6 month skin cancer check-up, by the time I go it will be more like 1 year)
4. Schedule gastrologist (this is not fun and I have put it off on purpose but I can't hide anymore) When I was 17 I had a polyp and since then I have to have a colonoscopy every 3 years to make sure I don't have anymore. My last one was March 2004, so you can imagine how the nurse reacted when I called to schedule it.
5. Have a nice glass of red wine
6. Soak in a very hot bath
7. And the most important thing on my list is.......spend some much needed alone time with my husband!!!! When you are going through IF treatments you are very busy going to RE appointments, not feeling that well, and shooting/sticking/swallowing all different medicines and many, many other things that come between the two of you.
****So it pretty much sums up to enjoying life without thinking twice if I can or can't do certain things!****

On another note, I am getting better each day that goes by. When people ask me how I am doing I can answer them truthfully. I am doing okay and really, really enjoying our break from treatments. I would love to move on and do our next FET and get my BFP, but as of right now God is telling me to wait. Waiting is hard, but I am waiting with hope. I am going to have patience and wait until I feel like it is time for us to start again.

Marcus and I want kids so bad, more than anything would we love to be out of this phase of our life. But all I can do is take each day that I am given and be open to the things that God is teaching me during this struggle. At the end of the day I want to continue my song of praise for the One that is carrying and comforting me through this journey.

New Protocol

I just got back from the doctor and I think that it was a pretty good appointment. Well, I mean how good can a post negative appointment go???? My RE does not understand while we are still here??? Not too comforting, but we have come up with a new protocol. When the time does come around for us to do another FET, she wants to add Lovenox shots and another steroid therapy after I finish with the round of Prednisone. We are also doing more blood work!!!! I guess that is the answer if you can't figure what is wrong....just do more blood work...check this....check that. I am going on Friday for the blood work and one of the tests I have to do is a fasting glucose tolerance test. In the past I have not done very well at this test so I am hoping that I can make it through the test without passing out. She is also testing again for the endometriosis marker and if it is elevated again, we will then talk about doing the surgery to see what damage I have and repair it. I also have two different acupuncturists to go to, one is local and the other is located in Houston. I will go to the one locally for awhile up until my transfer and then the one in Houston will do a treatment right before my transfer and right after my transfer. The nurse asked me if I had an aversion to needles and I just laughed and said no. I mean who could make it to the point that we are at and have a problem with needles??? So there is our new plan of action.

Seriously!!!!!

So what happens now? That is a huge question!
Marcus and I went into our marriage wanting 3 kids and were very excited to start a family. When that time came we were both very excited with each month that went by we wondered could this be the month? Now we are 2 years and 4 months later and still wondering.

So, when do I get to join in on all the mother issues: cloth diapering, breastfeeding, baby wearing, vaccinations???? When do I get to worry about the small or just mediocre stuff???? When do I get to clean out our small house to prepare for a baby???? When will Marcus and I get to have a night where IF (infertility) is not in the back of our minds, the topic of our conversations are anything but IF, when will we get to take a babymoon???? I know this might sound like a pity party, but seriously, when? Seriously!!!!

Ok I am over that now, sorry for letting it all out!!! This is a public journal for me to write down my feelings and get things off my chest.

I have grown up knowing that I have a pretty high pain tolerance and never thought twice about the pain I have each month when AF comes around. My periods where never really regular at the beginning. Then I started taking BC at 20-21 before we got married and AF was like clockwork and really not much pain (in my eyes). I am writing this because I just took the pain I had each month as something that women have to go through and didn't think anything of it. I never missed school/work because of the pain. So I can now see why sooooo many women never know they have endometriosis. I never knew and even when my RE said she was going to test for it I was more worried about the clotting factor coming back abnormal than the endometriosis. I guess you never know? Since I have gone through two cycles I have had major cramps/pain and (TMI alert) heavy, heavy flow and had some clots come out. I know this is from suppressing me but it is bad. I now am feeling the pain that I would expect and it worries me about what damage I have inside of me???? I guess we will see what my RE says about everything.

So now what....only God knows? We are going to take a break from IVF/FET for a little while and try and relax (please no comments on us getting pregnant during this break). There are many things that you can say to make an IF go crazy and "just relax and you never know" is one of them. We will enjoy not having to be home at a certain time to take a shot and enjoying getting my emotions back to normal after being pumped up on drugs. I would say enjoy each other and take a trip but we are also going to try and pay off most, if not all, of our IF debt during this time and we both have missed A LOT of work. I guess we will see about the trip. These past few months seems like they have been years!!!!

Does anyone know a good acupuncturist that does treatments for IVF patients with endometriosis? Something I am thinking about looking into. Oh and they have to be in the SE Texas area!

Beta Results

Well, it came back negative. For some reason I think I am taking it worse this time around. It also doesn't help that my hormones are all screwed up and all I do is cry. Please just pray for Marcus and I as we go through this for the second time. I have a follow-up appointment on Wednesday with my RE and I hope that I can make it though the appointment without crying. I know that I will come out of this a stronger person but I am very sad right now. I thank you all for being there for me. I just pray for a peace and understanding about all of this.

Sense of Privacy

Here is a picture of my Lucky Socks right before my transfer!!!!

(By the way I am not superstitious, I just love the socks and you have to have something cute on when you have to wear that ugly hospital gown)

I know everyone is so excited to hear our results on Monday. Don't get mad but on some level I wish that no one knew when we are getting our results. I wish that Marcus and I would just have a few days to ourselves to celebrate or grieve. This is still a very personal and private matter to us, except we are forced to tell our results on that day. I guess there is just a sense of privacy that is lost through infertility that most will never understand. But on another level I love the fact that we have so many people praying for us, care so much for us, and are very excited to hear positive results. I love all of you and thank you all for your support during this time. I guess on some level all infertiles wish they had some sort of control and normalcy, but we just have to live the life we are given and be thankful for each and every opportunity.

Day 10 of 15

Today is my first day back at work since my transfer!!! I was able to take off 9 days to just relax and do nothing at all!!!! I guess that is a BIG positive to working for family. I gladly took those days off to just take it easy and make sure that I took care of my body as much as I could. For some reason I am more nervous this time around than the first time. I am just very aware of every ache and pain and they make me scared this time around. I do feel a lot different this time around, not any better, but different. I still am having some of the side effects of the medicines and other aches and pains that make me want to just lie down and not move. I am still limited to not lifting anything over 5lb (which is everything), walking slowly, no cooking, no cleaning, no baths, no walking up and down stairs and many more things. In other words doing nothing at all but sitting and laying down. This will pose a challenge this weekend since Marcus is going on a 4-wheeler trip with some friends.

Today is day 10 of my 15 days to wait until I get the results. I go on Monday morning to have the blood work done to check and this time around I am just taking the entire day off. Last time I did cave in and do a HPT and was very upset after it came back negative, but I still had hope that my blood work would come back positive. This time around I don't think I am going to do a HPT. I don't know why, maybe I am just scared of seeing yet another negative. I mean for over two years that is all I have seen so you start the think that is all you will ever see. I guess I will just get the news Monday when the nurse calls me.

I do still have HOPE that this will work and we will have our baby in our arms one day soon. I pray for them every night and talk to them when I am having a weird pain in my stomach. I know some of you probably think that I am going crazy talking to my stomach, but this is how I get through each day of this wait.