Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Does it get easier, time after time?

Our first IVF treatment was the culmination of many doctors visits and many months of waiting. The day finally came and I was, to say the least, overjoyed to be finally taking that step to achieve what we have been waiting on for so long! I took each shot with excitement that we were one day closer. We got excellent news with each appointment we went to. My body was reacting perfectly, everything was perfect! I was hopeful that after months of anticipation we were finally coming to that DAY! We were given great excellent odds of this working. Well, it doesn't always work. So just as fast as my hopes rose they were shattered in one phone call.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Before we knew it we were on to FET #1. Once again my body was reacting perfectly, everything was perfect! We were hopeful once again...given great odds. Again I was shattered. Our RE kept saying she doesn't understand why this is not working...everything is perfect, our embryos are perfect, my transfers go smoothly...this should work. But what she doesn't know is this was not our time. God has been sculpting me during these failed cycles and now during this waiting period. At times it is just a gentle nudge but other times I am brought to tears at the realization of how small I really am. We were made to worship Him....who am I to want things my way? Will our next cycle produce a pregnancy... I don't know.

Does it get easier, time after time?

I know a lot of people that go through cycle after cycle (many more than I have) and have made it a routine that they endure. They don't allow themselves to hope (deep down I am sure there is hope). I have not made it to that point to where this is all routine. I get my hopes up with every procedure and every cycle. I guess that is just where I am right now. I dream about announcing a pregnancy, carrying a baby, feeling a baby move inside of me, delivering a baby and raising a child. I know I should not put myself through these emotions, but before I know it I am there...dreaming.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Things happen. Things happen almost daily that remind me that I am going through infertility. If I would let them they would knock me one notch lower each time, but I choose to blow them off and move on. People choose to not talk to me because of infertility. People decide not to befriend me because of infertility. People say thoughtless comments to me because of infertility. I am hit over the head with what people say sometimes. This is just a glimpse at my life through infertility...I am not saying this for a pity party...this blog is about awareness and documenting our journey! I know there are no words that I could say to let someone in on the emotions that go along with infertility nor do I expect them to fully understand. I have come to appreciate my true friends, my caring family, and even the prefect strangers that have reached out to me, because of infertility.

Does it get easier, time after time?

So here we are still waiting, coming up on the 60 days that our insurance said they have to make a decision on my surgery. I am waiting...with anticipation...with hope...with peace...with comfort....and also with wonder. I know God has some amazing things in store for us...we just have to be patient and wait!

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

Your little blog is cute...btw.

Will it get easier? hmmm...who knows. Only God can tell you that, but I know this...you are so strong. You are such an inspiration to me.

I love you so much and although I don't have the words to say sometimes I do want to help out in any way possible (although there is not much I can do..lol). You have come through with more patience, endurance, courage, and hope than anyone I can even begin to imagine.

Michael Paine said...

Lindsey,

I want you to know that I think about you and Marcus all the time and wonder how you are able to put one foot in front of the other sometimes. Every pregnancy announcement sends chills down my spine because I know it is a knife in your heart. How my heart aches for you...one because I don't know what to say to encourage you guys and two because I cannot begin to understand the pain your heart must feel every time you think about wanting a baby. You are a beautiful and strong woman...praise God that you have the hopeful relationship with Him...can you imagine going through this without the peace that Jesus brings. Remember He is Jehovah Jireh our provider... Thanks for your honesty...may I never shut you out because of your struggle but only welcome you in all the more for the love and support that you need in this time of struggle.

Praying for your blessing to come at just the right time!

Michael Paine

The Dorns said...

ughhhhhhh I am so sad. I had all intentions of hearing glorious news. It made me flash back to times when infertility was staring me in the face. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I hated everything anyone would say to me to comfort me and I would yell inside back at them it doesnt matter you have a baby you wouldn't understand. I ish with all my heart that God would bless your family with child and that he wouldshpw you his chosen plan for your life.

The Gary's said...

Lindsey,
Just wanted to let you know that I am always checking on you and Marcus to see how things are going! Wonderful post, I sooo understand everything you were questioning, and stating. God, works in mysterious ways. Why it took me to lose 3 pregnancies before I finally did IVF we will never know. God has a plan, and believe me the wait will be worth it in the end. If you ever need anything please let me know, even if you just need a night to sit around and talk, I am here. I know I have my son now, but infertility is something that was and still is a big part of my life!