Undergoing a change

I have learned so many things about myself through infertility. This is just one small fraction of my undergoing a change. I know this might surprise some of you, but I use to be a very judgmental person. I would look at things certain people were going through and critique the way they were handling the situation. I would say “I would never do that, especially that way!” Wow, how God reveals things to us and makes us reflect on our way of thinking. On some level it is only human to try and think of how we would handle certain circumstances that others are going through. I love this quote from To Kill a Mockingbird, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view – until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” Atticus Finch

We would have to make a complete 180º and truly, I mean truly see situations from their point of view. If we could climb into another’s skin for however long, maybe just a day, then we might understand them and why they choose to do certain things. Maybe we would understand their problems and solutions to those problems. Maybe if we could experience the very heartbreak, every disappointment, and every experience they have gone through that shapes them into the person they are today, then maybe we could then begin to see their lives and decisions. But we can’t do this! Every situation is different and there are so many solutions to those circumstances. I guess I am writing this as a person who is undergoing a change of heart and a way of thinking about things. Do I still struggle with judging others, yes, but it doesn’t take me long to realize that I am not the one to pass judgment. Only God can judge and only God truly knows what we are going through. Just think of what would happen if everyone in our world would stop judging and truly care about others and help them through their struggles and problems.

I am sure people have judged our decisions that we have made throughout our journey, but I accept that as human nature. I would never wish anyone to have to go through the things that we have gone through and made the decisions that we have had to make. Each and every decision was made with deep contemplation and prayer. I can truly say that I would not change a thing, not one decision. I am writing this as a person who has been convicted of one of my many sins and just trying to make others take a deeper look inside at those everyday things we do without realizing.

Thick and High!!!!

My FET is scheduled!!!! The big day is January 26th at 7:00 am. I went this morning to have blood work done and an ultrasound. My ultrasound looked good and I am nice and thick, ready to receive 3 little ones. We just had to wait on my blood work to officially schedule everything. My estrogen level needed to be over 400 to go ahead with everything. I responded the same as I did with the regular cycle, it sky rocketed! My estrogen level is 2,390!!!! They don't seem to be worried about it being so high, I just have to lower the number of patches I am wearing. The meds that I have to take are overwhelming!!!! I had to write it all out on a calendar that I made just to keep everything straight. In the morning I have to take 5 different things, then an hour later I take one pill, then at 2:00 I take two more things, then at 6:00 I take the POI (progesterone in oil) shot, then at 8:00 I take 7 different things and then an hour later I take one more thing. That is a lot of medicine, but well worth it!!!


I am trying to go into this transfer with high hopes. I know God has a plan for us and I just want to continue to follow Him and put my trust in Him. What I would do to go back and have the excitement I had when we decided to start trying, but some how the struggles with infertility seem to knock you down a little bit with each month that goes by. I might not have that giddy feeling that I had over two years ago, but my hope and trust in God has quadrupled since then and I praise God for shaping me the way He has.

268Generation

This is from Louis Giglio's blog (an amazing guy) and I thought it was beautiful!
Words from Charlie Hall:

New Year

My heart beats like a drum, flying up with the sun,
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright,
And You are radiant

Where hope can hold the hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain

This is a new year,
This is new day,
To rise shine,
Lift up your eyes

This is a new year,
This is a new day
To rise shine,
And point the way
To God’s great life

I’m held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide, and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul

Charlie Hall and Kendall Combes, SIXSTEPS MUSIC/WorshipTogether.com songs

It’s going to be a big year, and with God’s life within through the indwelling light of Christ, we all should be expectant…believing God for a supernatural collision where His ability merges with our faith and obedience.

Mrs. Independent

I know I have not posted in awhile, but I have not had any extra time. Today is the first day since the first of the year that I have had some time to update my blog. I started my meds on January 9th and so far I have not had terrible reactions to them. I have had a little nausea and minor stomach pains. Tonight is going to be a test though; I bump up the patch that I am wearing to three patches. I hope that this doesn't make my emotions go crazy. I am sorry in advance if it does, it will only be for a short time.

Going into this transfer I am trying to get my house a little more organized. Being on bed rest is hard for me because I can't do anything and I have to rely on others. I am a very independent person and have a hard time with others cooking for me, doing my laundry and everything else that goes along with that. Last time I really didn't do anything for the first week and then started doing a little more the second week. I am going to try and do the same thing this time around. The hardest thing for me is I am not suppose to lift anything over 5 lbs and that is pretty much everything!!!!

On another note, we have decided that it is time to redo our bathroom. I am so excited because this is something that has needed to be done for awhile now. We only have one bathroom with a very small vanity and an even smaller medicine cabinet mirror above it. It is crazy in the mornings with us both trying to use the mirror at the same time. We have to stagger ourselves and whoever is spraying the hairspray always has to be in the back so we are constantly shifting positions. It is like we are dancing!!! The challenge for me is going to be staying within the budget that we have set (which isn't that much money....infertility treatments have taken it all), but I am up for the challenge!!!!!! The other problem is going to be doing the work ourselves and me being limited on what I can do. I am hoping that we will be able to get everything started and finished soon!!!

Day 1 of meds!

Sorry for the delayed update about my doctors appointment, but I have been really busy at work. Well, where do I start?????? I have mixed emotions about our appointment and what came out of it. I will start with the blood work results. All my clotting factors came back normal, so no Lovenox or anything along those lines. My marker for endometriosis came back positive. This was the test that I wasn't too worried about, because I have never had any symptoms of having endometriosis, so I figured it would come back negative. But I guess this is just one more thing to add to our list. My RE explained that the problem with endometriosis is there is a higher risk of miscarriages, so that is just one more thing to hand over to God. It is hard to not constantly think about the what ifs, why me, but I can't spend my days worrying about what is going to happen and is anything ever going to happen???? This would make me go crazy, so I just take one day at a time and try to stay positive. I wasn't prepared at our last consult to ask questions about endometriosis, so the only information that I got was that my marker showed that I have it, that makes me at a higher risk of a miscarriage and the only treatment is surgery (which she doesn't recommend at this point and time). It is crazy how on the way home all sort of questions popped in my head that I wish I would have asked her, but I was still in shock at our appointment. So I'm sorry I don't really have any others details.

On a positive note, I have now officially started my meds for the FET today!!! Here is what I am taking at this point and time:
Estrace (3 times a day)
Vivelle Dot (start off with just one then bump up to wearing 4 at a time)
Prenatal (I have taken this for over 2 years now)
Calcium (twice a day)
Baby Aspirin
Flax Oil
I continue this regimen until January 20th. On the 20th I will go in for an ultrasound and blood work to check my uterine lining and estradiol levels. If everything looks good I will be adding more meds to the list. Then we will have a better idea of when the transfer will be, but as of right now it looks like it will be the week of January 26th. I am cautiously excited for this cycle, please continue to pray that everything will go smoothly. I know that God is carrying us through every step of this journey and I just want to continue rest in His arms.

An uneventful cycle, please!

I am going tomorrow for another consult with my RE. I will be getting back my blood work results and if everything is clear I will get a schedule of my meds and when to take what. The past few days Marcus and I have been getting together all the meds that I will need and today I picked up the last one. It just amazes me how expensive these drugs are. It is pretty bad when the pharmacist comes out to tell you that a certain drug is really, really expensive, a lot more than the one I had to take with our regular IVF cycle. But I am not gripping because up until this point God has provided and I know that He will continue to provide for us. Aunt Flo has made perfect timing with my appointment. I am suppose to start the meds on day 3 of my flow so hopefully I will start taking everything on Thursday. I just pray that all the blood work comes back clear tomorrow and we will have a smooth and uneventful FET cycle!!!!!

I will not be silent!

I am proud to speak out about infertility and I love my blogging community of fellow girls in the same boat. I think all of the below comments apply to me and to most of you...it's nice to know we are not alone in this struggle.

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs.

If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand.

If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy.

If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you.

If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen.

If you know what a dildocam is.

If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry.

If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try (make that 2 or 3 pregnancies!!!).

If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will".

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family.

If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with.

If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours.

If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section.

If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only.

If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby.

If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!".

If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in.

If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!".

If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant.

If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC.

If you know what an RE is.

If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper.

If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "What is she doing in there?".

If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any.

If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case.

If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex.

If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant.

If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady.

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you do not need to be ashamed and you are definitely not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice. I nominate all my blog readers for this award. We are survivors! Thank you Kelly for speaking out!