Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Am I Calloused?

I knew infertility had affected me in many ways, but what I didn’t realize was that it affected a lot more people than just Marcus and I. Have I inadvertently made everyone around me calloused to pregnancy related things? Have I made my family and closest friends emotionally hard because of my suffering? I am going to be totally truthful here…that is why I have a blog anyway. It makes me sad when I hear pregnancy news, because it just reminds me that I am not pregnant and have yearned for a child for two and half years now. You don’t realize how much you really want something until you have to truly work for it and wait for it. Of course my first response is happy for whoever it is, but there is still sadness.

Another thing that I have learned through infertility is that people start ignoring you and leaving you out of pregnancy/ baby news. It will still hurt talking about it, but I think it hurts more being left out. I am speaking from my emotional state as of 11:25 on Wednesday and this might very well change by 11:45, but hey I have the right to change my emotional state from minute to minute, hour by hour, and day by day. But overall I want to know and not be left out like I don’t exist, because that hurts more.

For some reason I have been very emotional lately. Can I still blame it on the hormones???? Because I think my hormones are still all messed up!!!! On Sunday I had someone come up to me (this person doesn’t know anything about what we have been going through) and said that this past week she had a strong urge to be praying for us and wanted to know if everything was okay with us???? WOW, I am just awe struck on how God works through people. I was able to tell her that we have been struggling with infertility and she was also amazed and will continue to pray for us. God is working through our momentary struggles, I just have to make sure my eyes are open to see everything that he is doing in this storm.


091 of 365
1) Mirror in the bathroom
2) Working toilet!!!!!
3) One on one time I get with my husband
4) Gods' Whispers of Hope
5) Close loving FAMILY

2 comments:

Hollie said...

First of all, I am always praying for you.

The very fact that you are asking yourself if you are calloused tells me that you are not calloused. It is hard for your friends and family too. They are suffering with you. Sometimes they don't know what to say and what to tell you regarding pregnancy news. Maybe it would help to tell them how it makes you feel when they leave you out of the news.

sweet jenn said...

Well, I hope that I'm not someone leaving you out of stuff. I can understand how you feel. It is hurtful to be "left out" of any conversation, regardless of what the topic is. But, it's also hard to know what to talk to you about and what not to talk to you about...does that make sense? Obviously it's gonna hurt you to hear news of someone else's pregnancy/baby news, but do we really want to hurt you? Absolutely not!! Standing on this side of it I guess I can understand why someone would leave you "out"....but, that's no excuse.

You are not a calloused person. In fact, you are probably one of the most tender, sweet, sensitive people I know. I don't think that people mean to hurt you...maybe they are just trying to spare your feelings...but, again, that's not really a good excuse...lol