Monday, May 11, 2009

Unexpected Flower

I knew Sunday was going to be a little difficult for me, but I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I thought I could make it through the day without tears, I thought I could make it through the day with happiness. This was supposed to be a day to celebrate our mothers, not a day for me to be sad. It was hard for me to see mothers glowing with happiness celebrating their day, it was hard for me to hear about the wonderful things their children got them for Mother’s day or how husband honored their wives for being wonderful mothers. It was harder than expected! A lot harder than I expected!!!

I got up and got dressed for Sunday school, everything going great, just another Sunday going to church. Then it hit me, our Sunday school lesson was on Hannah. I knew it was going to be hard as soon as our teacher said we were going to study Hannah.

Those of you that don’t know Hannah’s story, here is a very brief summary. Hannah could not have children because the Lord had closed her womb (she was struggling with infertility). All of Hannah’s thoughts centered on being childless and she could not find any comfort because of this. She endured great ridicule because of her inability to have any children. She continually sought the Lord to remove this and give her a child. One day Hannah made a vow to God. If God would give her a son she would give him back to God all the days of his life. After she made this vow Hannah conceived a son and she followed through with her vow. She went on to praise the Lord through an amazing prayer (1 Samuel 2:1-10). And I thought last Sunday was hard!

Our teacher kept asking if anyone has ever been in this kind of situation. “Has anyone ever wanted something this bad and kept asking for it. How did you handle this type of situation?????” I could feel the tears coming, but I held them back. I really just wanted to disappear right then, right there. There was no way that I could have spoken up and said anything at all without crying my eyes out. But what I wanted to say was YES, that is me, I know exactly how Hannah felt and what she was going through. Lord, please answer my prayer for a child! Lord please open my womb and make it perfect to carry a baby! Lord if it is your will, I am ready! How am I handling this???? I am taking one day at a time, trying to follow Gods will for my life. Do I have bad days? Yep, and unexpectedly Sunday was one of those days.

I went on to church; I had regained my composure and was feeling pretty good. They were giving flowers out to all the mothers and I wished this was a day that I could celebrate with my own child. I could feel the tears coming, but once again I held them back. This was supposed to be a happy day, celebrating our mothers! Then a very loving and caring friend asked how I was doing (knowing the Sunday school lesson I just went through) and I could feel the tears coming, but once again I held them back. The service was over and I made it through it without crying!!!! After church, another loving and caring friend came up to give me her flower and said that I deserved it more than she did. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I could not hold it in any longer. I fell apart in her arms. There was only so much I could hold back and that was my breaking point. I regained my composure, and went on with the busy Mother’s day plans that we had.

I had started this day not expecting to feel the feelings that I felt. I expected to have a great day going to church and spending with family. I never expected to fall apart in church. This was supposed to be a happy day, not a day full of pain and tears. After I got my good crying out I was fine the rest of the day and was able to enjoy the time spent with family.


Alison said...

I am glad that someone gave you the flower because she was right. You do deserve it. I admire you so much for your trust and dependence on God. Just remember, it's OK to cry. I love you and often cry for you too. And I know that our Heavenly Father shares your tears. I am praying for the day that He turns those tears to joy.

Hollie said...

Praying for you.

sweet jenn said...

I'm glad someone gave you that flower. What a blessing that was!!

You are a loving friend and I can't thank God enough for you and your family. I am praying for you and love you so much more than I can ever tell you.

Birdee said...

I cried reading your story.
your in my T&P.

Michael Paine said...

"I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." Hannah said.

17 Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."

This is my prayer for you!

Jessica said...

I cried reading your post too. I thought about your during the Hannah lesson. I'm so happy that you got a flower. You are a mother in the making, you just don't have your child in your arms yet. I KNOW you will be a mother, lindsey.

I can't imagine how hard mother's day had to be for you, but please hold on the hope.