Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Where's my happy bubble?

We still haven't heard anything back from our insurance company about my surgery coverage, so we still are waiting!!! I have been thinking about when we finally get to do the next transfer, (you know when our insurance finally gets back to us and I finally have the surgery and it is finally time for FET #2) if I will blog about it or tell people???? I have been going back and forth about what I want to do and my mind will probably not be made up until that time comes around again. Do I want to go through this next step with just Marcus and I (and prob our families since I work for family and will not be able to keep it from them) or blog and share like I always have? I am really on the fence about this? On some level this would give us more privacy and we would be able to share when we feel like it is time and on another y'all have been our support group throughout all of this and have been praying along with us. Who knows what I will do????

Today was going great and then all of a sudden I am hit with sadness. Unexpected sadness that I don't want to have but it is there. Why???? I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy! I live in a world that is coming at me constantly with all kinds of emotions. Why do I let these things get to me? This should make me happy but I am sad and want to cry. It seems like when I think I am doing great and all is well...that is when I am hit with the sadness. Sometimes I wish these things would just fade away and I could live in my little happy bubble, but I have to endure and enduring is what I am doing. Today I am asking, why am I still on this roller coaster? I am tired, nauseous and sad. I want to get off!!!! But I know for some reason it is not my time to get off! I have to keep riding, going up some days, then down other days and some days I feel like I am spinning out of control, but I am on the ride of infertility and enduring all the loopy loops in hope that one day I will get off of this ride. Sorry for such gloomy post but that is what I am feeling today...sadness.

1 comment:

sweet jenn said...

Sometimes I think that Satan just knows how to get to us. Whether it's scaring us or making us feel like poo. It really stinks sometimes but that's sometimes when I feel closest to the Lord. Although it seems that He seems far away, I know He is closer to me than I realize. He carries me when I don't realize it.

God carries you through your lowest times and it's my belief that right now He is carrying you through your sadness. Trust that fact.

I love you so much and I hope that you feel like you can share when you feel like sharing, but if you don't then I can appreciate that too. You sometimes DO need your privacy.