The Aisle of Uncertainty

Devotion 11:
"To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products and to my right, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed. I wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? It is possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes? I chose to purchase both products. As the cashier handed me my bag with both products tucked inside, I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or lament. Is it possible to feel opposite emotions at the same time? Yes.
I think of Jochebed, the mother of Moses, who hid her infant in a floating basket to save him from the king's death sentence. I can only imagine the tug of war between her fear and faith. As she placed him in the basket and closed the lid, did she shed tears of sorrow or relief? As he floated on the river among the reeds, she must have experienced moments of dread sprinkled with hope."

 I am on the verge of waiting in the aisle of uncertainty, I am about to be in limbo of two outcomes. On one side I let myself enjoy moments of hope and dream of what ifs. But on the other side I am bracing for the news that I have gotten too many times. Bracing for loss...does that show lack of faith or am I just letting my mind and body consider every possibility? I am scared but also excited.....my emotions are everywhere! My muddle overcomes me some days. When will God fulfill my desires for a child? I want to go into this next cycle relaxed and positive, but how do I do that with the past history we have had? I am doing acupuncture and just ordered a meditation cd to listen to, but feel that the knot in my stomach won’t go away.

What will 2010 hold for us? How will we start off this New Year? I want to start it full of hope and faith! I am trying to work towards letting go of this battle going on in my head!!!

Longing for a Child:Devotion 1

Longing: A strong, persistent desire or craving for something unattainable or distant.

All my longing lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalm 38:9

The author compares infertility to riding a motorcycle on The Imperial Dunes. The Imperial Dunes extend for more than forty miles in southern California, southwestern Arizona and into Mexico. Mountain size mounds of sand range from two to six miles in width, with crest rising two to three hundred feet above the surrounding landscape. The seemingly endless sandscape is beautiful, thrilling, eerie, treacherous.

At times this ride is exhilarating. At other times, exasperating. Nearing each crest, I wondered what lay waiting for me on the other side. I experienced a repeated cycle of fear and dread followed by accomplishment and hope. Fueled by my desire, I was able to keep going, no matter how endless and treacherous the terrain seemed. Though at times I wanted to turn back, I continued. Looking up I could always find someone at the top of the crest who had climbed the mountain I was facing, waving me on.

Look up! Just when you think you can’t make it, you may see someone standing at the top of the mountain cheering you on.

Right now I am at the base of one dune with another to face. Jesus is there encouraging me to keep taking one step in front of the other.

Longing for a Child...

I order this book titled Longing.for.a.Child through Focus.on.the.Family and I am getting so much comfort and encouragement out of it, so I thought I would share my nightly devotion with you. This book is helping to encourage me as I seek truth and information about infertility. I only wish I would have found this at the beginning. Maybe it will help someone else out, like it is helping me.

Introduction:
You can picture a lush, green landscape of what your family should look like. Although you water your desire with faith, hope, and prayer, your backyard remains barren. Will a child ever grow there? As time passes, you may become discouraged as you wait for the seed of your longing to sprout. When will my seed of faith and hope God planted in my heart finally blossom into a child?

Winter is a season of surrender and rest. It may also be a time to regroup and allow God to restore you and prepare you for a spring of a different kind than you imagined. (Wow speaking straight to my heart…especially as we have been going through a waiting period and getting some answers while in this waiting period).

Imagine your heavenly Father wrapping his loving arms around you. Experience his presence and truth. He understands your longing and he will meet you where you are and help you grow. He will be with you through every season of your journey and will help you bloom wherever you are planted. May God meet you in the garden of your life and reveal to you hidden beauty from your experience. My prayer is that God will do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine in your life and through your longing for a child, according to his power within you.

Acupuncture

Let me just say that I am loving acupuncture! I also love my doctor that I am going to, she is amazing!!!

So the procedure:

I go in change into a gown (very cold in the winter, they need a little space heater in the room...my only gripe). She then comes in and puts 13 needles total into my body. One in each ankle, one in each outer shin area, one in each wrist, three across my chest, and four around my lower abdomen. After she puts the needles in, she leaves, I listen to the ocean and lay there for 10 minutes and relax! She then comes back in and takes the needles out and I am finished!!!

Positive affects:

The first time I could feel the warming in my body and felt very relaxed (kind of heavy feeling). After the second time I went I slept 13 hours straight that night, so I am pretty sure my insomnia is getting better!!! The night after my acupuncture appointment I can tell a huge difference in the way I sleep.

Titanium vs. Gold:

The first two times she used Titanium needles and after the second time I noticed my acupuncture points where a little red the day after. It was not a rash just the spots where she put the needles where a little red. I mentioned this to her and she said that they had a girl in the past that was allergic to the Titanium. They had to order Gold needles for her. So this past time she used the Gold needles to see if there was a difference. When putting them in she said that they felt different and asked me if they felt different to me. She then looked and the Gold ones are a larger gauge than the Titanium ones. I guess I will see if I still get the red spots, I might go back to the Titanium. Anyone that has done acupuncture before….did your acupuncture spots get a little red the day after?

While some may be skeptical of Traditional Chinese Medicine, I can tell a difference in the way I feel and just hope for the best this next go round. I am for sure enjoying the relaxation and better sleep this is bringing me!

Time limit?!?!?!

I just went to see my family doctor because I woke up with a very bad sore throat. I wanted to get in to get some medicine so that it doesn't get worse over the Holidays. Let me just state that I really don't like my family doctor but just keep going to him since it is a hassle to change doctors. He has made several comments in the past about our infertility that have rubbed me the wrong way and again today he said something else! He told me that we should put a time limit on infertility treatments and let’s say if 1 year rolls around and nothing then we should move to adoption. Who is he to tell me when to quit infertility treatments? I told him that we still have embryos and we are going to use our embryos and if the time comes that we run out and we are still not pregnant...we will then look at our options and decide at that point what we are going to do. I am not going to put a time limit on infertility because infertility treatments take time. Whose to say that we won’t still have embryos in one year…I am not going to just abandon those embryos…they are mine and I want them implanted in me!!!! Sorry just had to vent a little! Any opinions on what I should do….keep going to the jerk (sorry that is how I feel about him right now) or change????

I have my second acupuncture appointment this afternoon and will find out how much this is going to cost us! Will post about my acupuncture experience soon!

Oh yeah, my family doctor told me I should get the H1N1 vaccine and would give it to me! What to do?????? Now I have to make up my mind if I want to get it or not. I am going to call my IF doctor and see her opinion and just trust whatever she says.

Feels right somehow...

We all have our plans for our lives. Most of us have sat down at some point and wrote down our 5 years…10 year…and so on…goals. I have done this more than once and my life. My life is not anything like I wrote down!!! Would I have ever wished my life to be the way it is right now? No and I don’t think anyone would wish to go through infertility and the ups and downs that go along with this. But am I happy? Am I right where I should be? Have I become a different person? Has God worked through these hard days? Yes, to all of these questions. I have grown through the pain, I have hope through the pain, I have a peace through the pain and I have been blessed through the pain!

I am learning to give up my plans, bit by bit! My very first post I stated some of my plans and that is just what they were MY plans. Would those plans have brought me joy…who knows but those plans were not Gods plans. Would I have cherished life the way I do now? Would I have taken for granted the very miracle of life? Would my marriage be where it is now? Daily I try to lay down my plans, but it is hard. I dream about what the future holds for us rather than living in the moment God has given me. Like the song says, today is the day he has made I need to rejoice and be glad in it!

Why would we be so stubborn to want to live our goals and plans? We are a selfish nation and the wave of have it your way has everyone thinking that they deserve something. This sickens me sometimes when I sit and think about what our nation is coming to. I am learning to give up my rights. The things I have are not mine and the life I live should not be selfish or stubborn. But we are all human and live in the World!

I am trying to live Gods’ will for my life. No matter what this life looks like, I know I will only be happy if I am living in his will. He knows what is best for me and will bring me happiness.

Here are a few lyrics from a song I heard:
This may not be the road I would choose for me, but it still feels right some how. I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now. So this is what it feels like to be lead!!!
This is what it feels like to be lead.

Really?!?!?!? This for sure is not the road I choose on those 5, 10, or 20 year plans, but in some strange way it feels right. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LEAD!!!

Hopeful once again!

Yesterday was my post op appointment…
I was not anxious, I was not excited, I was just calm and ready to get whatever news she had for us. When we got there she did an exam and looked at my incision spots and everything looked great, except when I was bathing last night I noticed I have a stitch that hasn’t dissolved. I tugged on it a little but the knot is under my skin so I have to go in next Wednesday to get it cut out. Then we went over my surgery results. She did not have the pathology results, so I was a little upset about that but we will get those results next week sometime…hopefully! She said my uterus had a bunch of junk in it (lots of polyps)….the picture looked nasty of my uterus. She was able to clean all that up. She also removed endo scarring from both of my ovaries and also on the wall behind one of my ovaries. She said it was bad enough to remove and it will make me feel better now that it is out and cleaned up.

Then on to the plans…
She first asked us and made us decide how many we wanted to transfer when the time comes, 2 or 4?????? We both probably looked like a deer in the headlights because we had not really discussed this topic and really wanted her to tell us what she recommended. So 2 or 4???? To be honest 4 freaks me out, so I softly said…….ummm 2. Then off she went getting consents signed before we could really marinate on the whole thing. Before signing the consents I told them I really wanted to talk this over some more and make sure we are making the right decision. So in came the doctor again and she talked it through with us some more. 4 also freaks her out and she really didn’t want me to get pregnant with triplets (and lately she has had more triplet pregnancies than she likes). Okay I am comfortable with 2 and I might add they are the perfect little 2!!! They are 5AA, below is an explanation of what 5AA actually means.

Blastocyst development and stage status
1 Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2 Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3 Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4 Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5 Hatching out of the shell
6 Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade Inner cell mass quality
A Many cells, tightly packed
B Several cells, loosely grouped
C Very few cells

TE grade Trophectoderm quality
A Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C Very few large cells

So the next plan of action…
We got great news that she lowered the cost of the FET to half of the cost!!!! Great news for us, this made it so much easier cost wise for us. But the bad news is my meds are going to cost us a lot more, because of several reasons! She is adding a new drug to the regimen that is very expensive and we no longer will be able to purchase my meds from the same place as before. I am praying that this will all work out and we will some how be able to lower this cost somehow. The new drug is Lovenox and it is going to be very expensive for us (my insurance will not cover anything). Also I need some advice on giving these evil shots!!! Everything that I have read about these say they are horrible shots but I will endure, but will gladly take some advice!!!

Calendar…
I am going to try and start Acupuncture the end of this month and stay on my strict Fertility Diet. This is going to be a huge test with the Holidays coming up!!! Then at the first of the year everything will start!!! So this year I get to go through the holidays without bed rest and enjoy a relaxing holiday season!!!

***Anyone need a Gonal-F pen!!! I have one in my fridge that I will happily give to someone if they just pay the shipping!!!! (It expires 02/2010)***

Today

Today I await the news from my surgery

Today I will get a plan

Today is the beginning of a new plan

Today I will get some answers

Today I am at peace

Today I am not nervous

Today I am not anxious

Today lots of people are praying for us

Today I feel those prayers and am ready for whatever we hear

Today I am ready!!!

Finished Product

I came across this story on one of the IF connection board, and love it! Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

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There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked “May we see that? We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, “You don’t understand. I have not always been a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, “Don’t do that.” “I don’t like it!” “Let me alone,” but he only smiled, and gently said; “Not yet!”

Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy!

“I’m going to be sick” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; ‘Not yet.’

He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then ….. then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. “Help! Get me out of here!”

I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, ‘Not yet’.

When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! “Ah, this is much better,” I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Oh, please,Stop it, Stop, I cried.

He only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’.

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering “What’s he going to do to me next?”

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said ‘Look at yourself.’ And I did. I said, “That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!”

Quietly he spoke: “I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.”

The moral of this story is this: God knows what He’s doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

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I am still being pounded, spun around and put through the heat. I am not a finished product yet, but that is what I am striving for. I hope that throughout my life, into old age I will continue to grow and be painted into that finished product.

Healing

Friday was a very long day for me and also the people that were with me. We got to the hospital at 11:00 registered/checked in. They called me back to get some blood work, which I was hoping an IV would get started at this time since I have blood sugar issues and it was now after lunch with no food, but no IV. More waiting and they finally called me back to get my IV started and more waiting. I believe this was at about 1:00 and my surgery wasn't supposed to be until 3:00 (which it was actually at 4:00), so I got to lie in the corner of Pre-op for 3 hours with nothing to do. Luckily our computers worked back there so my husband pulled up some TV shows and we watched that for a little while to pass the time, I did a Sudoku, talked with nurses and anesthesiologist, then my doctor showed up!!!! From this point everything went by very fast for me! My surgery took about 2 hours, which was a lot longer than everyone expected even my doctor. She removed a small amount of endo scarring from both of my ovaries, which she said was not that bad. She also removed some polyps in my uterus and she thinks this has been our problem with the embryos not implanting. GREAT NEWS to me!!! I prayed for some answers and I believe we got some. I go for my post-op appointment with my doctor next week and hopefully we will have an even more answers when we talk with her.

My recovery after the surgery has been a lot worse than I expected! When they were waking me up all I remember is shaking real bad and being very nauseous. I have never had any reaction to anesthesia like this except with my egg retrieval I remember I had the shaking. My mom told them to prick my finger to check my blood sugar to see if this is the cause of the nausea.

Funny Side Note Story: When I was younger and I would pitch a fit my mom would always prick my finger to check my blood sugar to see if my blood sugar was low or I was just pitching a fit. If I was just pitching a fit getting a needle stabbed in your finger was enough punishment!

So here I am in pain, shaking, and nauseous and they prick my finger and my blood sugar is fine! It is now around 8:00 I think, I really don't know what time it is because I am out of it, and we head home. Luckily I slept the whole way and the trip home was not too bad. The next day I am in pain, a lot more pain than I expected! My entire torso hurts, my insides hurt, and my incision spots hurt. But each day that went by I could tell a major change in the way I felt, thanks for all the prayers! I am now waiting in the moment for next Wednesday to come to get a little more information. I had a bad dream last night that my biopsy results came back bad and she would not do any more treatment on me. I am trying to let these thoughts go and know that whatever the results are, God will have me in his hands and bring me through whatever comes of this. I am just trying to wait with peace and live in the moment! It seems like no matter where you are in IF you are always going through a 2WW (2 week wait)!

Long awaited surgery!

It is now time for the long awaited surgery! Back in July I scheduled this surgery and just 3 days before the surgery my insurance decided to decline approval. So we waited for the appeal process to go through which we were told it could take up to 60 days, but it never takes that long (is what I was told). Well, it took 60+ days and I finally found out that they decided to approve the surgery and pay for 75%. So I scheduled the surgery again and 3 months and 2 weeks later I can now say that I will be going into surgery tomorrow around 3:00 (or whatever time my doctor shows up). I will be having laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to check everything out and look for endo and scarring. I am still at peace with this surgery and ready for some answers as to why we are still where we are. I so badly want to carry a baby and feel the miracle of life growing inside of me! We are hoping we will get some kind of answers through this surgery.

During this waiting time Marcus and I have been able to take a few trips and enjoy each other. We recently just got back from South Carolina. We had a very relaxing 8 day vacation in Myrtle Beach and Charleston. We slept late, did whatever we wanted when we woke up, and pretty much decided on a moments notice what to do for the day. There were no adventurous or high impact activities planned for this vacation, which we were perfectly fine with taking each day as it came. The thought kept crossing my mind that when we have kids we will most likely never have this kind of vacation again. So I loved the one on one time I had with my husband and just having a very relaxing week with great conversation and leisure drives and of course great food!

When I get the time I will post some pictures from this recent trip along with some from our other trips that we have gone on. For time being this infertility blog has turned into a vacation blog but I know shortly it will soon turn back to infertility, since we don't have any more trips in the near future and also the long awaited surgery is here.

Four and a Half!!!!

Vacation 4 1/2, that is!!!!

It all started with getting free Astros Tickets for Saturday, then we got free Texans tickets for Sunday, so my husband decided we would make a mini vacation out of this. We drove to Houston Saturday morning and went to the Museum District and went and saw the Tarra Cotta Warriors exhibit at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. It was a beautiful day!!!! We walked around the Museum District a little and also went to the Contemporary Arts Museum. Great way to start off our Mini Vacation!!! While walking around the Museum District we saw this car......

It is a car made to look like a Hippo!!! The eye winked at us and whistled!!! Very funny!

Then on to the Astros game. We had excellent seats; we both said this is the best seats we have ever sat in. The Astros lost but we still had a great time, enjoying this great gift!

The next day was on to Texans Football! I have never been to a professional football game so I was excited about this. Again we had great seats and parking pass to park close!

It is always great to get away together!!! I truly cherish these trips that we are taking and count them all as a huge blessing that we have been able to take them!

Now on to planning things to do while in South Carolina (Vacation #5)!!!!

She wears her heart on her side!

(I KNOW....you don't know what to do.....two posts in one day!!!! This is one that I was going to post today and the one before this I just couldn't pass up posting about an answered prayer!!!!)

Zoe Jane

*Those of you that aren't animal people don't feel the need to read this post.*

There have been many people that have played a major role in my life while going through infertility. My husband is #1 on that list, but there is also a canine that has cheered me up when I am sad. She wears her heart on her sleeve side. Literally her fur makes a heart on her side but she also expresses her emotions freely and openly all the time! Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that and didn't hold in our emotions???

I will start off by telling you how we picked her. When were hiking at Enchanted Rock this guy walked past with this adorable dog and was just the right size for what we wanted.....so I went up to him and asked him what kind of dog it was and he told us a Brittany Spaniel. So when we got home we research that breed of dog and decided that we wanted one. She was more difficult to get than we expected because there were not any Brittany's in our area or even our state!!! We search online and found a breeder that we were comfortable with and agreed to fly her here. I excitingly picked her up at Hobby Airport and she was shaking and scared from the flight. We did see a picture of her online but........little did we know that she would have a special mark on her side that would bring a smile to my face.

It was perfect timing to get a dog because by the time we were going to start a family she would be out of her puppy stage (there was a lot that we didn't know at this time). Little did we know that our puppy would be 4 and we are still trying for our family and we also didn't know that our sweet little puppy would take awhile longer to mature than we thought. So here we are laughing every day at the things she does....and appreciating the blessing she has been in our lives!!! It just makes me smile when I see her heart on her side.

We just found out that we might be taking a mini vacation before our BIG vacation!!! I will call it vacation #4 1/2 since we already have vacation #5 planned. I will update when the details get firmed up. I am truly thankful for the unexpected blessings!!!!

Dancing with the BIGGEST smile on my face!

I just got the call!!!! My surgery has been approved!!!! The 2 month wait was not as bad as I thought as I prayed for peace and patience......boy, did I get it!!!! Now we are one step closer to finding out some information. I now am praying to be able to handle whatever information comes out of this surgery....good or bad....I will still praise the ONE who has got me to this point!!!! Never thought that I would be soooo happy to have surgery but this is where we are. I know that God has his hand on this and will take care of us through it all!!!! Praising God today for the small things!!!!

On Monday I will set everything up and schedule the surgery so I will let you all know a date to be praying for!!!!

Still don't know what is going on?

My headers and all my pictures keep getting removed or the files keep messing up. This has started happening ever since I put the Natchez slideshow up, so I am going to take that off for now and see if that fixes the problem.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Our first IVF treatment was the culmination of many doctors visits and many months of waiting. The day finally came and I was, to say the least, overjoyed to be finally taking that step to achieve what we have been waiting on for so long! I took each shot with excitement that we were one day closer. We got excellent news with each appointment we went to. My body was reacting perfectly, everything was perfect! I was hopeful that after months of anticipation we were finally coming to that DAY! We were given great excellent odds of this working. Well, it doesn't always work. So just as fast as my hopes rose they were shattered in one phone call.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Before we knew it we were on to FET #1. Once again my body was reacting perfectly, everything was perfect! We were hopeful once again...given great odds. Again I was shattered. Our RE kept saying she doesn't understand why this is not working...everything is perfect, our embryos are perfect, my transfers go smoothly...this should work. But what she doesn't know is this was not our time. God has been sculpting me during these failed cycles and now during this waiting period. At times it is just a gentle nudge but other times I am brought to tears at the realization of how small I really am. We were made to worship Him....who am I to want things my way? Will our next cycle produce a pregnancy... I don't know.

Does it get easier, time after time?

I know a lot of people that go through cycle after cycle (many more than I have) and have made it a routine that they endure. They don't allow themselves to hope (deep down I am sure there is hope). I have not made it to that point to where this is all routine. I get my hopes up with every procedure and every cycle. I guess that is just where I am right now. I dream about announcing a pregnancy, carrying a baby, feeling a baby move inside of me, delivering a baby and raising a child. I know I should not put myself through these emotions, but before I know it I am there...dreaming.

Does it get easier, time after time?

Things happen. Things happen almost daily that remind me that I am going through infertility. If I would let them they would knock me one notch lower each time, but I choose to blow them off and move on. People choose to not talk to me because of infertility. People decide not to befriend me because of infertility. People say thoughtless comments to me because of infertility. I am hit over the head with what people say sometimes. This is just a glimpse at my life through infertility...I am not saying this for a pity party...this blog is about awareness and documenting our journey! I know there are no words that I could say to let someone in on the emotions that go along with infertility nor do I expect them to fully understand. I have come to appreciate my true friends, my caring family, and even the prefect strangers that have reached out to me, because of infertility.

Does it get easier, time after time?

So here we are still waiting, coming up on the 60 days that our insurance said they have to make a decision on my surgery. I am waiting...with anticipation...with hope...with peace...with comfort....and also with wonder. I know God has some amazing things in store for us...we just have to be patient and wait!

Don't know what happened?

Update #2: As you can tell I am still playing around with headers and colors... I probably should just get someone else to design this for me but I am trying to save money and no extra expenses right now!

Update: Still working on my blog...not sure if I like the new change....I guess we will see.

Sorry for the ugly blog page....blogger has blocked out all of my pictures for some reason. I have fixed a few but my blog is still under construction. Please......still enjoy reading!

Vacation #4!

Vacation #4 for the Summer = Girl's Weekend in Natchez, MS!

I had a great time in Natchez. This was my first time to go to Natchez and I loved seeing all the architecture and culture that was there.

It tested me on my Architectural History and I have to say that I failed. It is amazing what you can forget in just a few years if you never use it. But I digress...back on to the trip.

The Bed and Breakfast that we stayed at was great and we had an amazing breakfast each morning!!! I wish I had their recipes to cook at home because I love eating a big breakfast.

We did tour a cemetery the first day and I will have to say that it was interesting and amazing how old the graves were. Some people in our group enjoyed it a lot more than others and some were just fine viewing everything from inside the car.

We, of course, ate some really great food and would go back just to eat some of the dishes over again. If you haven't caught on by now...I love to eat great southern food????

Over all a GREAT trip and sad to say Vacation #4 is over.

If you don't follow me on Twitter then you probably don't know that we have planned Vacation #5!!!! Marcus and I are going to Myrtle Beach, SC. We are very excited to be able to take this trip and very grateful for some generous gifts to make this trip happen!!!!

Have I mentioned

Have I mentioned that I am blessed? Despite having a crummy week at work and still fighting infertility, I still feel extremely blessed! I have an amazing husband, an amazing family, a good and flexible job, an amazing church family and an even more amazing and awesome God!!!

Sometimes it is just good to remind yourself of all the good things you have in your life!

This list could go on, but I need to get back to work since I am taking off on Friday!

Who I Am!

I was listening to the radio on my way home from work yesterday and they asked the question, Who are we or to make it more personal, Who am I? Who are we other than just general information, like our name? What encompasses who we are? I think this is a hard question to answer and requires an unending amount of thought. Well, I am going to try and answer this question to give you a deeper look at...

Who I Am!

I am throw your head back and have a good laugh....as much as possible!!!!

I am a child of God!

A devoted wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend

I love spending time with family and friends

A lover of the arts...I love studying art, going to museums, creating art (even though it might not be any good), and seeing plays

Lover of music and dancing...just don't have rhythm and can't sing

Curly haired girl that spends hours straightening it

I have a degree in Interior Design, but I do not practice professionally

I work for family

Blog and tweet when having a slow day at work or just whenever something pops in my head

I love taking trips

Hate taking naps...almost always guaranteed to wake up in a bad mood

Needer of sleep...prefer 8 hours a night (I know this will change when a baby comes in the picture)

Love playing games

Love fashion and buying shoes

I love the outdoors...hiking, backpacking, picnicking, the beach, the woods...just being outside!

Former anal retentive person and have learned to let some things go...with the help of my husband

Played sports throughout High School...volleyball and softball

Love fixing up old homes and would love to flip homes for a living

Lover

Competitor

Independent

Strong willed

Passionate

Struggling, fighting, changing with Infertility

*Not a complete list but hopefully this will give you a better idea of Who I AM!

Where's my happy bubble?

We still haven't heard anything back from our insurance company about my surgery coverage, so we still are waiting!!! I have been thinking about when we finally get to do the next transfer, (you know when our insurance finally gets back to us and I finally have the surgery and it is finally time for FET #2) if I will blog about it or tell people???? I have been going back and forth about what I want to do and my mind will probably not be made up until that time comes around again. Do I want to go through this next step with just Marcus and I (and prob our families since I work for family and will not be able to keep it from them) or blog and share like I always have? I am really on the fence about this? On some level this would give us more privacy and we would be able to share when we feel like it is time and on another y'all have been our support group throughout all of this and have been praying along with us. Who knows what I will do????


Today was going great and then all of a sudden I am hit with sadness. Unexpected sadness that I don't want to have but it is there. Why???? I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy! I live in a world that is coming at me constantly with all kinds of emotions. Why do I let these things get to me? This should make me happy but I am sad and want to cry. It seems like when I think I am doing great and all is well...that is when I am hit with the sadness. Sometimes I wish these things would just fade away and I could live in my little happy bubble, but I have to endure and enduring is what I am doing. Today I am asking, why am I still on this roller coaster? I am tired, nauseous and sad. I want to get off!!!! But I know for some reason it is not my time to get off! I have to keep riding, going up some days, then down other days and some days I feel like I am spinning out of control, but I am on the ride of infertility and enduring all the loopy loops in hope that one day I will get off of this ride. Sorry for such gloomy post but that is what I am feeling today...sadness.

Anything but Commonplace

You there with the rounded belly;
Talking on your cell phone and dragging your toddler along behind you, his arm twisting, losing his step trying to keep up with you, while your attention is focused on your conversation, your plans, your business, your new pair of shoes.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

You there in the grocery store line;
Digging in your purse and writing your check while you scream at your child that you wish she were never born, slapping her haphazardly on her arm, her leg, her bottom while she reaches for packets of candy bars and mint flavored gum.
Please be mindful of the miracle.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act that happens on accident, on purpose, and accidentally on purpose. There is not always thought, or consideration beforehand. Pregnancy may be a surprise, a shock, a regret. It may be a blessing, a plan, or a mistake. It is merely a state of being that a large number of women are in every minute of every day. It is. It simply is.

Maybe it was a one-night stand, a fling, a short-term relationship. Maybe it was an accident, a broken condom, or a forgotten pill. Maybe you didn’t want this, or maybe you made it happen. Many women spend a large portion of their lives trying to prevent pregnancy from occurring. It becomes a condition to be avoided, yet sometimes the plans are thwarted. It happens anyway.

Maybe you planned it this way. You met. You fell in love. You married. You bought a house with four bedrooms. You filled them quickly. There was no effort, no calculating, no saving. You feel blessed. You feel grateful. You have the family you always wanted. It happened. It happens to everyone. It’s easy. There is no fuss. These are dreams that come true. They do.

For 80-something percent of the population, getting pregnant is a mindless act. Whether it was planned or on accident, it simply is. It is a state of being. It is commonplace. It is normal. Egg and sperm find each other without needles and labs and pills and assistance. Ovulation is not inducted or detected. Intercourse is not timed or planned. Pregnancy without surgery—it happens.

And while I don’t expect every pregnant woman in the universe to twirl around in a circle of happiness and gratitude, spreading fertile joy to the world—I am mindful of the miracle. While pregnancy may be an ordinary, humdrum, everyday condition to some, it is not to me. My perspective is forever changed.

For a percentage of the population, pregnancy will never be commonplace. It will never be unplanned. It will never be no fuss, no muss. If it ever happens, it will be a carefully executed symphony of intention; a purposeful pre-arranged plot carried out over endless weeks. The mind shift this process creates will perpetually alter your point of view.

Please be mindful of your miracle. Miracles don’t happen every day; and they are anything but commonplace.

*Taken from Fertility Authority

How can I be here and not be moved?

So I have started writing three different post and not finished them.......I don't really know why...don't think they are very interesting, I am not motivated....many different reasons. There are so many different things that I am involved with right now and many different issues that I am dealing with. God has me involved in many different areas that if I would have known the full extent of what it would encompass I probably would have gone another way. Maybe that is why God shows us just enough and will slowly reveal the full picture to us. This way we can look back on where we have come from. Like I said I probably would have shied away from certain situations and certain conversations, but some how God has moved me right in the center of these conversations and situations and I am trying to follow Colossians 3:12 in every aspect of my life. At home, at work, at church and just every day life I am trying to show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And boy is it hard at times!!! Emphasis trying....I am pretty sure I failed at a few of these while talking with A T&T rep earlier today for a very long time. I am still a work in progress. There are so many different things that I am dealing with, that even the closest people in my life don't even know the full extent of what these are. I am physically and emotional exhausted at times, but I know I am right where God wants me to be. I have to wonder why has God placed me in some of these areas, what does he see in me to be able to handle all of this, along with the emotional rollercoaster of infertility? On some level maybe God is putting all of this on my plate because there is no way that I could handle all of this on my own. I have realized that I can't do any of this with my strength! Only with Christ strength I am able to bear the load that is over me. He is my everything and bears the weight of my problems and guides me through each step along the way. I just want to make sure I am following Him and really trust that God can work through whatever situation or problem I am facing BIG or small!!! I have been able to be a part of some pretty amazing things and I want to continue to be moved and changed. I love the song Everything by Lifehouse: Find me here and speak to me, You are the light that's leading me, You are the strength that keeps me walking, You are the hope that keeps me trusting...How can I be here and not be moved!!!!

And waiting is what we will do!

I am supposed to be having surgery today but the plans have changed! I said awhile back that we felt like we needed to take a break from everything and wait until we felt like it was time to move forward. I went ahead and scheduled my surgery for what I felt like was when I needed to have it. Well, today is not when I was suppose to have surgery and we will now wait some more.

Awhile back when I found out that I was going to have to have surgery I went ahead and checked with my insurance on coverage and they happily had no problems with coverage. They said they would cover 75% of the surgery and so we went on with scheduling. Well, a week ago (a week before the surgery) we got a letter in the mail from our insurance denying coverage for my surgery! So then we went into the appeal process...a week before the surgery! My doctor wrote a letter appealing their denial. On Wednesday I got the news that the insurance company has 60 days to process the appeal and they were in no hurry to process my appeal. I canceled my surgery and my pre-op appointment and we will wait some more.

While we have been waiting we have been blessed in sooooo many ways!!!! Time has flown by since my last failed FET in January. It was in February that we decided that we were going to put everything on hold and WAIT. Wait for what, we did not know, but we both felt a strong urge to just WAIT. Like my header says, we are waiting eagerly for our little miracle. We can't wait until that day comes but right now we HAVE to wait! While we have been waiting we have been taking a lot of trips and have more to come (2 as of right now and will gladly take more)! One blessing while we have been waiting is I have gotten a raise which makes paying loans, bills, notes and everything else a lot easier. We have had the money to be able to take a weekend away and stay in a nice hotel and eat at a very expensive restaurant and just be with each other. I have also had the opportunity to be able to take a week long vacation with my mom and sister and just relax. The weekend after I got back from Alabama Marcus and I went on another trip to Lake Conroe for 4 days and had a great time there relaxing some more and spending time with family. We have now been given a week long trip to anywhere we want to go; we just have to figure out where it is that we want to go????? We will have to pay for a few things including a flight (if we pick somewhere that will require a flight). We just need to decide where we want to go. We have thrown around going to South Carolina, Georgia, and a few other places. Anyone have any suggestions???? I would have never thought that we would have been able to take so many trips while also paying for infertility treatments but we have been blessed. I will continue to thank God for the many blessings that have been poured out on us because I truly can't believe the many blessing that we have received and am very thankful!

By my postponed surgery God is telling us, not now, just wait some more! So waiting is what we will do. We will not break down and let this ruin our lives, we will keep going and loving and praising God for who he is! Surprisingly this detour in our plans has not upset me; I know that it will happen at some point in time. I want to be open to whatever God is doing in my life and let God continue to work on me and mold me. I am here and I am waiting and I am loving the many blessing that are being poured out on my life while we wait!!!!

Quick Update:

I don't have much time to go in to detail about some things that are going on right now so a quick update will have to do:

1) Tomorrow and Wednesday I am having a garage sale with my mom, sister and grandmother so we have been trying to get ready for that. Hopefully I will make some money to go towards infertility cost, but I probably won't make hardly anything. So if anyone is interested let me know I will let you know where we will be.

2) I am having surgery on Friday!!! A surgery that as of right now my insurance is denying coverage and yes this is after they already approved the surgery. INSURANCE.....uuuhhhgggg!!!! I will try and tweet and maybe blog from my phone to keep everyone updated on how everything goes.

That's all for now!!!!!!

A Southern Kind of Life

I LOVE being a SOUTHERN!!! I love the history, the architecture, the culture, the food, and I even love the heat and humidity (well maybe not the humidity but I can live with it)!!! I know some people think I am crazy but I love the SUN!!! I know I shouldn't love the sun with such a high risk of getting skin cancer but I can't get enough of it. Maybe my body is telling me I need the Vitamin D???? Yesterday we hit a new record and hit 102 and are on that same path today. This really makes me feel sorry for the guys working outdoors.

My recent vacation is what made me realize how much I truly love being a southern!!! I went to Alabama for a girl’s trip with my mom and sister. We all had a great time going from one spa treatment to another (best facial I have ever gotten), from one bike ride to another and from sitting by the pool to sitting on the beach!!!!! There, that is a summary of our week long vacation and if you follow me on Twitter then you already know that. We really loved the resort we were at and the relaxing days that we had.

On our vacation we swapped between either mornings or afternoons riding bikes through massive, very old trees that make you just get lost in the their winding branches.

Each tree was intriguing with some of their branches curving down and touching the ground with moss all over them. I don't think I will ever get tired of seeing them!

I really enjoyed riding bikes every day and makes me want to buy bikes for us to ride on around here (to bad we don't have such great scenery). One route that we took hugged the coast; so on one side was the ocean...

...and the other was gorgeous southern plantation homes (mansions).

The other route we took was on the golf course (with permission to do so), and we got lost and couldn't find our way back to the resort. Marcus asked me if we paid attention to what hole we started on and all we knew is we came in by some tennis courts. I guess we were enjoying ourselves too much to pay attention to a detail like that????

The food was exceptionally good!!! I love seafood and was in the perfect location to get some really good seafood!!! Some people with me had never heard of grits being served other than for breakfast, but everywhere we went they had grits and shrimp or grits and some other seafood on top. We never tried this but always sounded interesting to me. I true southern combination! I am a Southern girl and no matter where I live I will always have that Southern culture within me, because I love A Southern Kind of Life*.

(* A Southern Kind of Life...song sung by Kasey Chambers)

****Now on to trip #3 for the Summer, we are leaving for Lake Conroe tonight!!! (We are also trying to plan one more BIG trip for after I have surgery)****

I am sooo grateful to the many blessing God is pouring down on us during this waiting time...it brings me to tears!!!! (We try and post more on this at a later date)

No Stitches for Me!!!!

I went yesterday for my 6 month check up at the dermatologist. There has not been an appointment yet that I have not had to get something removed to check out. But it finally happened...she did not remove anything!!!! There are several spots that she marked and we will keep a close eye on, but nothing removed!!!! Can you tell that I am ecstatic???? I am going to Galveston for an over night trip on Friday with my husband and then leaving Sunday for a girls trip to Gulf Shores and really did not want to have to mess with stitches. Soooo I can now just enjoy my trips without the worry of not getting stitched wet and having to remove them myself on vacation. Woooohooo for no stitches!!!!!

My Love:

 

Today is our 5th Anniversary!!!!

Wow, the things we have gone through in the little 5 years we have been married. In some ways I would love to change the past two+ years, but in other ways it has made me a better person and my marriage stronger!!!

My husband:

is my best friend

makes me laugh

dreams with me

is my favorite person to spend a lazy day with

loves to cook and is good at it

is a late night eater

is strong willed

loves the outdoors

loves me more than I could have ever imagined

is my strength

makes a bad day disappear with just a hug

Will one day make an EXCELLANT FATHER!!!

I love this man for who he is and for who he makes me strive to be!

Our marriage has endured the hardships of infertility and rather than breaking us apart it has strengthen our marriage more than we could've ever imagined!

Look what I found!!!!

(Make sure you pause the music below so you can tell how loud it is)

A JINGLE BELL!!!!

I will try anything once!!!

Squash Blossoms!!!!!

My friend Jennifer over at LIFE gave me some squash blossoms to try out. I think everyone else was too chicken to try them after I told her they could be eaten. I guess I am known for not being too picky about food and willing to try anything once. I will take this as a compliment!!! So she gave me 5 little blossoms and I was excited to try them out (really, I was really excited)!!! I researched about squash blossoms online since I have never actually eaten one. I found a recipe online that sounded pretty good to me but changed it up a little to suit our taste. Below is the recipe I cooked (sorry there are no measurements).

Squash Blossoms:

They need to be handled gently but still okay if you happen to tear one. To clean them, reach into the well of the flower and pinch out the stem in the middle, then rinse thoroughly, to wash away any bugs and dirt. Drain flowers or pat with a paper towel. Use the blossoms right away or, you can save them in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.

Once clean make cheese stuffing.

I used cream cheese, fresh chives, garlic powder and salt and pepper.

Mix quantities to your taste.

Then carefully stuff the blossoms with a small amount of the filling and twist tops closed.

Break an egg and beat it a bit with a fork.

In another bowl, add some flour and season with salt and pepper.

Dip blossom into egg then flour.

Fry lightly in olive oil until golden.

Enjoy, I know we did!!!!!

(They kind of look like chicken wings, but they are really squash blossoms)

So now everyone go out and pick their squash blossoms and Bon Appetit!!!

Incurable Optimist

Am I an incurable optimist?
Does happiness spread optimism?
Is optimism contagious?
Are people born being either optimistic or pessimistic?

Just think about the above questions and ponder what your answer would be?

These are all question I have asked myself after watching Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" this is one of the most famous phrases in the Declaration of Independence. I would assume that most people pursue happiness on a daily bases. Every individual strives for happiness!!!

Can optimism be taught?

Michael J. Fox states “if you can do everything, there is no reason for hope, there is something in the hope, it is even more powerful than realization whatever the hope is for.”

I would say that I am an optimist, or would like to think that I am an optimist. I think most women going through infertility treatments are optimist. Whether they where born optimistic or became one for a short time during infertility, we are all optimist. It is funny how with every month that goes by and every treatment we go through most of us stay optimistic and know that one day we will have a child. And through this we allow ourselves to HOPE and through that hope optimism breeds.

“For everything that has been taken, something with greater value has been given.” Michael J. Fox

I know for a fact that if pregnancy would have come easy for me, then I would not be the person I am today. There is something in the pain and sadness and HOPE that has made me a better person. I am closer to GOD and put all my hope in Him. I am closer to my husband and have a deeper love for him than I could ever have imagined. I am also closer with my friends. I have learned that the above has molded me into a different person, a better person! Am I optimistic…I would like to think that I am an incurable optimist.

Incurable Optimist:
are open to alternative in the face of adversity
they deal with reality head on
their hope flourishes in groups
optimism resonates when people are doing what they love

and that happiness is contagious!!!!